You have done this exercise for a couple of weeks. You arrived here on February the 9th and didn't even start the exercise until very recently. Do you believe that dating couples fall in love in a couple of weeks? No, they do not.

NO ONE told you that you would fall madly in love in 2 weeks.

You are applying unrealistic expectations to the exercise and then declaring it a FAIL when nothing happens. You are just sabotaging your efforts.

ETW, I encourage you to keep posting here. You may surprise yourself.

And it is a BIG step that you realize you have been allowing yourself to accept flirtatious behaviour from other women. Stopping this will prevent the "contrast effect", which is very unfair to your W, and will have kept you stuck in not allowing her to meet your AS need.

Having been told that myself, I can tell you it is crushing to learn your husband thinks that you aren't attractive and worst of all, has NEVER been attractive to him .

**edit**

I can't forget it and it makes me want to stop living a lie and forget trying to save whatever it was we had. Very very discouraging.

t/j



Hope, are these things he said while in the midst of his affairs? Please keep in mind that fogged out waywards change history and say things that are in no way true.

I agree with melody...Shame on you for misleading her....If your honest with her then you may find something out about her that she has been afraid to tell you..

Me again. I am not sure what you mean by misleading her, are you referring to the fact that I "lead her on" when we dated? I do have to say that it is all very ironic to me that the typical female will get quite upset that men are shallow, then when someone puts aside this shallow nature to make a decision that he feels is really for the best intentions and in fact honorable, the typical female lashes out that I mislead her. It is a no win.

I do love my wife, and the activities we are doing together is helping to build on that feeling. At this point in time, we are settling back into the same old routine with the exception of spending a substantial amount of quality time together. As I said, I know that I have more respect fer her as a person, and I love her maybe more now, but I really need her to look prettier.

No amount of exercise will change the fact that her bone structure at the hips is about ten inches wider than her shoulders. It is just the shape she was genetically programmed to have.

Looking back, I wish the emotional needs test was available when we were dating, I would have been able to realize there is no shame in being shallow, and having a high need for a pretty partner.

As you fall more in love with your wife, her bone structure will matter less to you.

It is not shallow to want to be able to find our mates attractive. It is an emotional need that just IS. It's something that makes a person feel great when they have it and frustrated when they don't have it.

My H is kind of the same way. He's a little "hippy" and will probably always be hippy even as a leaner person, but now that he's lost his excess weight, has an attractive haircut, and treats me like I'm gold, that little structure "anomaly" matters very little to me. I have a very high need for my spouse to be attractive.

Does your wife look attractive to you in other ways? Do you like the way her hair is cut? Does she wear clothes that make the most of her looks?

Um I am not sure I buy this, I have very wide hip bones but you would never see that by looking at me, I only know because the midwives explained my very easy births that way. I'm sure she is genetically programmed to carry excess weight around her hips but nobody has to be overweight. Very unhealthy too.



But it isn't shallow! Having a high need for a pretty partner is completely valid and may have been something that your wife found attractive in you.

It is very uncommon that the widest part of the hips is the hipbone. In almost every case it is caused by the woman's tendency to gather fatty tissue on tgat area. Which is not all bad by the way. Women with broad shoulders and narrow hips have other problems with their body shape.

Allthough this can be improved quite a bit by sport, it takes a lot of determination and much hardship to keep it up. So please do everything to make sport a nice exciting experience for her. Remember, she is just starting.

However, there is a faster way to have an attractive wife, than torturing her with diet etc. rightaway. There are ways to dress, which will make her bodily imperfections virtually invisible.

Small shoulders disappear by dressing them in blazers with preformed shoulders, by putting on puffed sleeves, by addin a contrasting horizontal stripe over the shoulders (think star trek), or by shoulder pads.
wide hips become invisible by wearing tunics that fall dlightly over the hip, or by wearing a-line skirts, long elegant cardigans, etc.

Why not take your wife shopping and only buying the clothes that the two of you both like on her.

Nobody wants to believe me, when I say I have to wear hip-flattering clothes, or that I cannot wear certain styles because of my broad shoulders (I look like Arnold Schwarzenegger when I wear clothes with a horizontal stripe on the Torso). Everyone considers me slim and they never notice these flaws, that I see in the mirror. You just have to know what flatters your figure.

Of course purists may say that changing clothes does not alter the body really. But it makes a huge difference if your wife is a pleasure to look at.

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Just spending time together is not the goal. The goal is to meet the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. The goal is not to "respect her more" but to create romantic love. I don't see that you are taking this very seriously and are just pencil whipping this exercise. It is like flopping around on the floor and then calling it "exercise." You have to do this correctly or it doesn't work. And I don't mean doing it a couple of weeks. It takes at least 8 weeks to start feeling a difference.


But you don't have an emotional need for slim hips so specifics like this are not relevant to the goal.

Can you please tell us more about what ypu mean by "same old routine"?

The same old routine meaning, my eyes still are wandering. There is a lot of truth on this board, and I fully appreciate my situation now from a different perspective. But, even now with the increased time spent together, I am still hopelessly unattracted to her on a physical level.

The fact that her hips are so wide and her upper body is very small in comparison is relevant because it has always been the number one issue I have had in how she looks, it will not change with exercise, just how she is shaped. I simply cant get past it.

Now, she always has done a good job on the other ENs I have, which is why we have a decent marriage outside of my unmet need for PA. I have and still do love her, just not in a sexual way. Working through the questionnaire, we agree that I am meeting her most important needs, and that she really does not need an attractive husband to fill up her LBs, we have always been good friends and almost never argue, she and I communicate very well and I do enjoy hearing about her activities away from me, all important to her ENs.

Our exercising together is having zero effect on her appearance, and I removed the one piece of activity that allowed me to cope, competitive running and cycling, in order to follow the Doctor's advice to spend more rec time together. I really need my competitive exercise to help me cope with what is missing in my life.

Recently, we had our photo taken of our family, and we had a few shots of just the two of us, looking at them, I would say the average Joe would proclaim, "That's his wife??"

ETW-

I really like this post. Would you consider sending it in an email to Dr. Harley with a copy of your latest photo?

I'm not sure if he's an "Average Joe" and he most likely won't comment on your wife's attractiveness, but he may have more helpful advice.

I admire your willingness to work on your marriage even though you feel like you will always be missing the most important thing. Stick around, and keep learning. We were in a very similar position over a year ago. Oh, what a year. Thanks to MB, we are learning so much, and have met the Romantic Threshold together. I STILL need to improve my PA.

DQ

The more my husband expected me to improve my PA to MOTIVATE him to stop wandering his eyes,the more I wanted a different husband. My value in his eyes had been reduced to a god-given body which he didn't like. I began to fear growing old with him and silently considered trading him for someone with different emotional needs. He had already told me that because of my body type, it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to meet his need for PA- an exercise in futility. I knew from past experience that there were others who found me PA enough and would love to have an imperfect, passionate woman, but the man I married had made it clear to me that HE NEVER DID. Please try to handle this in ways that increase her motivation, not decrease it. I hope that there is something of value in what I have shared.

I believe that you genuinely want a happy marriage and want to love your wife. Yep, with all the truth here, Marriage Builders is the place to learn how to make it happen. And by the way, please let your wife know that she will end up with a better specimen of a partner too. Your brain will be oh, so attractive.... DEEP, LOVING & HOT! That's what many women value.

DidntQuit

ETW:

It is hard to believe your wife's hips are 10 inches wider than her shoulders and her photo would be a shocking comparison if she is within a healthy BMI range.

Also, it's very generous of you to call it her bone structure, but unless she has a skeletal deformity - and I doubt that is the case if it is that severe and she can still walk - you are "sugar coating".

I have never seen a pear shaped woman with a severe shape that would cause her husband such disappointment who is not also overweight.

Perhaps the regulars on this board could coach you how to approach the general weight loss topic, but absolutely leave out any references at all to her hips in the conversation. Just approach it in a general way accordng to their recommended method. You are not the first person who ever wished your spouse would lose weight.

I have a pear shaped figure, but within a healthy BMI (even at the upper range of healthy), I have a whole different appearance than when still carrying weight from having children. I notice appreciative glances thrown my way from strangers - quite a difference from 20 pounds and 600 miles ago!

At anywhere within a healthy BMI range (25 or less), a pear shaped woman can be attractive and find clothing that flatters. It can be much less severe and less noticable at a healthy weight.

If she IS in a healthy weight range, then I guess this would qualify for "in sickness and in health", but she would be the first I've ever seen in that category.

ETW. Is your wife become more interested in improving her PA? What does she think of what she has seen so far about marriage builders? Has She read His Needs Her Needs? Is she willing? Have you?

DidntQuit:

Yours is so similar to my situation it is scary. I did research yours on the site, very similar, which is why I am glad I stuck to my original thought NOT to tell her I never found her physically attractive, and really more accurately, attractive enough. I know that there is someone out there that would find her 100% of what they are looking for.

Testosterone might be an issue in that I think mine has always been high, I have a very strong sex drive, but no satisfying outlet, which is why I have used my athletic competitions fill the void. Honestly, I have never had an interest in foreplay, I want to, just not with her.

I think I value your input the most. My wife actually has a normal BMI, but any extra weight is located on the bottom half and is heavy with cellulite. It might have been inaccurate to describe her hips as wide in as much as her upper body is very, ver narrow. Almost like two different people are attached. Sorry to put it that way.

I am interested in how I would motivate her to be more interested in her looks, she is still with the opinion that looks are for the shallow, and I shouldn't value her on her looks.

Last point, I have shared too much here and would be afraid that she might end up reading this, she will certainly know it is about her with the type of details I provided. With that in mind, we have not gone onto this site together.

I am going to defer to Dr. Harley on all of this. Please, please, please email the radio show. Please do it NOW. Remind him that he already posted to you on the forum. Send your recent photo and these last 2 posts. They will give him the info he needs. Within a short while of talking with Dr. Harley, he can steer you in the right direction. He will help you understand how to get your wife on board. The goal is for you BOTH to feel happy and satisfied. Include your phone #. You NEED HELP with this. [color]

After you email, please come back and let me know it's done.

Then, I will let you know my specific thoughts about what you posted. Don't worry for right now, about her finding your thread. You are here because you have a delicate problem and you are trying to get help. She can't fault you for that. You are anonymous.

If she does find this forum and you don't want her to find you ... you can always ask the Moderators to delete all of your posts.

Providing a final update. We have spent time in recreation together, light work outs, hikes, and strolls.

Nothing has changed. I don't think I will ever bridge the gap and find her attractive, and I am hitting a wall. This one issue has festered over the years, and I am ready to cry uncle.

I read someone's comments that they knew that this approach worked for women to learn to find men attractive, but we're surprised to hear Dr. Hartley give this advise to a man and wondered if it would work.

It didn't for me. I re-read my first entry, and I am still feeling the same way now.

It is a deal breaker for me, time for me to not only set her free, but to find what my heart is literally crying for each night as I fall to sleep.