Plan B is a major commitment to reframing your life
but


It is the best way to manage a nightmare that you are not in control of stopping.

It takes you out of the drama. Out of the direct horror.

You still have moments of dread in it but you snap yourself out of that doom much quicker than not implementing it.

I found the most difficult thing is how my son was/is affected by his dad and by what goes on at his dads. No way to Plan B that ....as a mother I need to be there for my son to help him process things and to guide him to adulthood while he has contact with an immoral wayward.

So I had to work on the switch in my brain as regards cutting wxh out. Early on I played a game where I pretended he was dead. Now that I am better but I still want to limit interactions with wxh I pretend he is a clerk at wal-mart....or a waiter who has access to my food. I am polite but reserved. I find I have to employ that tactic most when he wants to share things with me or ask me about friends of ours that he lost in the divorce.

It is a balancing act...but I won't go down the 'friends' road.

I do want to say that SmilingWoman.....you have a new husband for emotional support.
For people who have not recoupled in marriage, it adds a layer of stress and pain.

I had a year and a half of being single after D -day. Typically that is the roughest time of interaction with a wayward. It was the hardest time period for my ds as well...especially when OW was introduced to him. I limited my contact with him severely in those early day...but the part in my head was the most important. My preference would be to never hear his name, see him or speak to him in any way ever again. EDIT I do want to be clear though that we will never be "friends". Civility is the best word I can think of to describe it.

I will get to civility, but limited contact is best for me right now. I see myself getting better, but I have my moments like what my 4 year old said to me. It is a set back, but by mid-day I was fine. So I do bounce back a lot quicker, than spending the day on the couch staring with utter disbelief. I had plenty of those days and so glad they are behind me.
I have such uncertainty right now. Maybe once I have a settlement I can really move on. Obviously he will try to screw me in the divorce, that will hurt too. I will let my attny handle that.
Thanks you for your support....It feels good to post again.

I have children who are growing up in this situation too, and I will tell you that I am CERTAIN that the BEST thing for them was for ME to be healed, and Plan B helped me get there much more quickly. They know that if there is anything that they want to talk about, I will be there for them. They also know that they can reach out to many other people, including any teachers, friends, relatives, counselors, etc. The best part of this whole thing is that I am completely HONEST with my children(in an age appropriate way of course).

My Plan B isn't perfect due to the breaks that the kid's cause(by telling me things that happened, without me asking for any information), it is then VITALLY important to get myself as dark as possible in every other way to ensure that I have the MAXIMUM benefit of PLan B and the healing it gives.

Plan B is advised when the affair hasn't ended, to protect the BS, and help them recover much more quickly.

Mason, what is the reason you are resiting Plan B? What benefits do you get out of continued contact with your WH? You don't NEED to be in contact with him, but you WANT to be. Why?

BTW, with Plan B(A REAL ONE) you wouldn't need to HOPE for a better life, you would GET one.

That is great Scotty that your boys have done so well with your very dark plan B. I am glad to hear that that you feel healed.

[EDIT]

I totally agree with you that being honest with the children is very important. I think it has made all the difference in the world for my ds.

Moderators note: Please help the original poster with the best MB advice for their situation and refrain from posting personal anecdotes slighting such advice by implication. Your result is far from ideal but this is not the place to discuss or justafy your mistakes.

Do you understand parallel parenting? Because I don't think you would have asked the above question if you really did.

Parallel parenting has similar goals to Plan B -- focusing on getting yourself to a healthy and peaceful place and eliminating triggers, frustration, tense communications as much as possible, because children feel it and it does affect them.

Parallel parenting --------> faking a "friendly" relationship typically does not help the kids; in fact, they pick up on cues that the situation is tense and it makes them uncomfortable and you also risk them being subjected to conflict or seeing one parent or the other upset.

There is information about parallel parenting in the notable posts forum

Exactly.

mason,
Have you seen this?
Parallel Parenting

I found an excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley of why it's a good idea to go into Plan B after divorce. Tell me what you think.
Radio clip on Plan B after Divorce at 5:25 mark

Thank you all, I am not resisting Plan B. We are not in contact except for very limited text. I may have had one text in the past month. I do not reach out to him. I do not see him at pick up and drop off any longer, that is done at school.
I am healing, and this site has been a tremendous support,

I think I asked those questions earlier because I want to do what is best for the kids,but I know it is best for me to have zero contact with him. The next time I see him will be in court.

I make all the decisions for the boys right now and I do not consult him. I am doing what I think is right.

As I said earlier, I need a decent settlement and I am dreading the boys meeting POSOW. No matter how strong you are, that is not easy for anyone.

I believe my hope for a better life is to see myself work through the process of acceptance and kindness towards myself. For so long I thought why was I not good enough for him, why were WE not enough. I am still working through a lot of that knowing that I am enough and we are a happy family without him.

So, I am hoping to be financially sound, I am hoping to put this nightmare behind me once the D is final and I am hoping we all remain healthy and my boys are happy!

Do you read many of the threads on SAA? Even older threads?

There have been moments for me that made me think that I may have been deficient in some way. It is a process, and just like Marital recovery, personal recovery takes a while, and is different for each person.

I hope you know that the affair had NOTHING to do with you. While looking back, you may see places where you could have improved, not any one of those reasons was enough to justify your WH having an affair. Also, I know that many BSs say that they suffer from lower self confidence after they find out about their WSs affair. Remember this, the OP is ALWAYS worse than the BS. ALWAYS. There may be something superficial which seems better, but it never really is. And the fault always lies within the WS themselves. It is NEVER about what the BS could or couldn't provide. ALWAYS remember that.

I don't mean to harp on the Plan B thing(well, maybe just a little ), it's just that I know that with any hole, you allow the potential for FUTURE correspondence which may and probably will affect your recovery. I hope that you keep Plan B on the back burner, ready to be used at any time when you feel like your PR is taking a hit.

Thank you fo that. I can not believe I pay to go to therapy. I should have just stayed here!
I have had low self esteem, I think it is still with me. I used to not be able to recognize myself in the mirror. I was just plagued with sadness. Now, I am starting to recognize my old self again.

My WXH's OW was a 24 year old attractive professional. VERY hard to take even though I have never felt inferior in looks to other women. I had a hard time seeing it as 'affairing down', but Scotty is right in that the OW will ALWAYS be less than me by the nature of what she did to my marriage. She could recover from that but not as long as she is still involved with the man whose marriage she helped destroy.

It helped my self esteem a lot when men began coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, ask me out etc once they found out my marriage was ending. It was not a problem when I was still married because of that boundary, but once that boundary was no longer in place I was not prepared to handle dating. It was intoxicating but very dangerous to my core values....so that is one thing I wish I had done differently...avoided dating for a full year past my divorce being final, but then I would have missed out on my dh who is a wonderful man and a blessing I cherish. He tells me every day, multiple times, how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.

It does feel good to be past that overwhelming despair and saddness. Oh and my mom says the real me is back now too....it was lost for years when I was married to WXH.

I found a good clip and thought of you.
Radio Clip on a Husband Abandoning his Wife for the OW

Tell us what you think.

That was my email to Dr. Harley ... I would be happy to answer any of your questions Mason...! Tough~

Wow, I agree with the Harley's advice. You can not make anyone be a parent. When I forced my children on my WH and he did not want to spend extra time with them it was like he rejected all of us and I was so sad for them. I learned and I will never do that again.
So what happened? Are you divorced? Did you go into plan B? I hope you get child support.