And your husbands tactic's have been a long history of serial cheating so I would take her very seriously. The OW's friend has 1000 X more credibility than your husband. Until your husband PROVES he has made DRAMATIC and RADICAL changes and has really ended his affair, then he is not a safe person.


He is a waste of your time at this point. You can just assume he is cheating.

When my wife was having her affair the OM wife contacted me on christmas eve and said that my wife was talking to her husband again.

I confronted my wife and she had this elaborate story of how OM wife is a liar and just causing drama.

Well guess what? OM wife was telling the truth and my wife was lying!

Your husband has no credibility so why would you be upset with this person contacting you? Demand that he take a polygraph on his affairs and know the truth for certain!

I unfortunately don't have the disposable money for a polygraph right now. I wish.

He was annoyed with me for bringing it up when he got home from work. Tried to degrade her messages as stupid. Still hasn't given me any passwords and his phone is a bust because he can delete everything. I told him to call his brother and ask him to delete her (Since it was technically his suggestion from yesterday). He is understaffed at work and tired so he was cranky and went to bed early. Not sure if he ever spoke to his brother though, heard him call and leave a VM but I needed to go to the store so not sure if he spoke to him.

I guess I'm at the place of booking some one way flights to my parents home 2 weeks from now and giving him that time to pull it together or we're gone. I don't really want to go out of my way to be overly nice in a Plan A fashion toward these next couple weeks if hes not going to put an effort in either...

We are supposed to have a date night tomorrow and Im going to tell him we will swing by the AT&T store to have them fix the access to his online records, with him watching I tried to reaet the password but theres some sort of error on the account that prevents access.

Im also thinking of having him write out a no contact letter by tomorrow. Because he hasnt read the book or any of the website he still hasnt grasped the severity of this problem and importance of these steps to ensure recovery.

How can I push him in the right direction without pushing him away? The more I make demands or suggestions on how to help handle the situation the more I can tell I am pushing him away (and probably back to her).

Frustrated.

You guys are 100000% right about him having zero credibility. I appreciate you helping me get my focus back. Its hard at times but i know staying tough and firm will only help in the long run.

As far as a No Contact letter...I have seen several examples on here and of course in the book...is it ok to include that he doesnt wanf her contacting his family or have any of her friends contact him/them on her behalf? Anyone want to help reword this in letter form for me? I want to give him a copy of a letter that he in turn can copy and I will mail. Is it ok to include that if any further contact happens we will file for a restraining order?

Prob just wasting my time but I'm holding out hope that he will want to do the right thing.

Well your methods will lead to continued adultery.
He is very uncaring towards you.

Your choices are as follows:

A. If you dont want to upset him then suggest that you have an open marriage and lots of threesomes.

B. if you want to have a marriage where both partners show care and love towards one another then stand up for yourself and take the following steps

1. Expos� his affairs to all family and friends.
2. Read about plan A and plan A for the next week.
3. Visit an attorney ASAP. Tell the attorney you want to file for divorce and that base on the advice of a clinical psychologist you do not want to have any contact with your husband during the divorce process.
4. Write a. plan B letter ( copied from the Surviving an Affair Book) to your husband.
5. Find an intermediary as detailed in the book
6. Once you have completed the above (and before he is served divorce papers) you mail or have a third party deliver the plan b letter to him. After that you enter plan B and have no contact with him. Until he agrees to the conditions in the letter.

Yes. I want B. I want to make it work but hate feeling so vulnerable and degraded everything we talk. he made a step in the right direction a couple days ago when he went to a friends college basketball game. initially id had invited a female co-worker. when he told me, I immediately told him how inappropriate thr was and would ultimately cause more problems. he called her in front of me and was very understanding. Later when I was checking his phone, I saw texts from her asking why he wasn't taking his wife and would only in if I was ok with it...in a way I was glad she had her whits about her to question him...but disappointed that he was right back to the " friends" issue.

So frustrated with him. it's not like I let myself go or changed who I was. by society's standards I'm pretty and attractive. Used to have a successful modeling career and sometimes people still recognize and remember. all the women he.cheats with are always so polar opposite of me. This new one even brags about her former drug addiction. sorry had to get my shallow tent out. but it makes me wonder what these women have that I dont.

Aw, sweetie, you have to remember that their affair isn't about you. It's all about HIM. His weakness, his selfishness, and him wanting his needs met. He isn't even thinking about you. You'll find the same theme in all of our threads.

They'll blame you and what you did and didn't do in the marriage (and you should take it upon yourself to change what he complains about-plan a) but that is just to make them feel better and justify to themselves what they are doing. Don't take the blame. There are reasons for an affair but never excuses!

You need to focus on the exposure.

M, you are not taking this seriously. And because of this, he is not taking you seriously. If you want to be taken seriously, you are going to have to GET serious. You need to set him down TODAY and tell him he meets your conditions or he gets out. TODAY. In fact, I would have his clothes packed when you have this discussion with him.

Explain to him that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage that is characterized by his abuse and cruelty. [he is worse than a wife beater] Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OW for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle - HE MUST PROVE HE IS FAITHFUL

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, - perhaps by exchanging phones and giving you complete access to his computers, everything

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

7. changing jobs to one where he either works from home or you can work with him so you can watch him all day

You won't ever be able to have a marriage with him unless you are with him all day long so just make this a condition.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Mommy, Plan A is completely inappropriate with a serial cheater. You need to set a very high bar in order to accept him back in reconciliation. And he should have NO leisure time away from you. NO basketball games, nothing. He needs to make it where you are together 24/7.

The fact that he had a DATE with his female coworker to go to a sports game should tell you everything you need to know, that he is not a safe person and is not remotely seriously about recovery. He never was and there was never any evidence that he was.

He gave me all his passwords today. we still have to go to the AT&T store so they can verify his identity and unlock it.

He spoke to his brother about deleting her because she was intentionally commenting on everything I was to piss me off and having her friend send me messages. His response was was " I'm not playing these childish games with her." I take that as him being unwilling to do it. I don't know if WH told BIL it was his idea not mine...

What Is the point of a polygraph? I already know he is a serial cheater. It is not admissible in court so I guess I am not seeing the point? He said he would take one but again, not understanding the purpose beyond wanting to know numbers...

The point of the polygraph is to get the whole truth out of him. It is also helpful because their willingness to have one is a sign of their being eager to show you that they want to really recover.

False recovery thread <~~~ Knowledge is power.

Did you read my post?

Did you read this? I see you taking ineffective steps that do nothing to resolve the problem and wondered if you missed this? I spent a lot of time posting it and would appreciate a response.

Mommy, you should reply to Mel's post. Some good info in her brain she is trying to impart to you. Don't overlook it!

Yes, I did read it and right after I called him at work and put my foot down. He gave me all his passwords, said he would take a polygraph and comfirmed he talked to his brother about deleting her. He said he has not spoken to OW since the 17th when i caught them. His phone and fb are clean but proof will come when i see his online records.

He said he would do the MB method and even mentioned my massive wothdrawls i was making. He feels he is meeting my demands, phblic fb apology, no contact with her (like i said, still haven't proven yet), giving me all passwords, he spoke to his brother, agreed to take a polygraph. He cant quit his job, and just got a promotion, and if anything will be good later in the case of child support...he said he would call her and her friend to tell them to F off, i reminded him about the no contact letter and said he doesnt understand its concept fully so wants to read why its crucial. I told him its important because if she continues contact we can geta restraining order. He said I should just go file for one...i said I was more comcerned about her contacting him so he needs to be included. He said ok but then had to get back to work so the convo ended quickly.

I told him i needed my needs met immediately or i would leave and he responded quickly.

On a side note his brother sent me a message saying he would not delete anyone for the comfort of others. He said he rarely speaks to her on FB and almost never sees her in person but because he has known her since she was 6 she is a lifelong friend. Said he hopes we can work out our problems. I responded saying i appreciate his letter but that he should know asking was my WH's idea not mine. I said she and her friends have caused a massive amount of damage. That I was dedicated to our marriage and recovery but as long as sheis in the picture there will be problems. I included that out of respect for his brothers marriage that I hope he would reconsider.

It sort of had an explosive response for me emotionally though. I ended up crying hysterically for almost 40 mins because I feel there is zero respect toward me and our marriage, from WH and his family and friends. The family knew about her and I feel maintaining contact with her encourages it. Plus from OW's perspective I am positive it shows her that she still has her "in" and it's only a matter of time before I leave and she can start right back up with him.

Am i over reacting by being this close to jumping on a plane and leaving tonight or tomorrow? Or am i over reacting because of BIL? WH has done what i requested.

You are reactive because you are trying to make decisions without a plan.

Consider you and your H "Plan B"ing the family members that are responding this way. (Don't make an immediate decision to do so, or an immediate request to your H to do so; think this through for a day.)

You can't control anyone else's relationship with OW-slut, but you can control your own relationship with them. If you are going to feel angry and resentful towards them for maintaining a friendship with someone who is actively hurting you and loving do so, then you should put a stop to your interactions with them. You don't need them in your life. Think about it: your BIL is choosing his friendship with her over his friendship with you.

When you have thought about it, if this is what you want to do (NC), then it needs to be a condition of your attempt to recover with H. He can't be friends with his brother if this hurts your feelings, not after such a tremendous insult as his affair. Your conditions for recovery are known as "just compensation". Without them, you haven't a hope of recovering.