Oh, Brainy!

Yes, the Dolly's getting a fire pedicure today. There are two colleagues in particular who are actually looking forward to providing the service. They are doing so because they like and respect Taffy, and they dis-like and dis-respect the Dolly.

And OF COURSE she is having an A with meanie Boss. Taffy really believed he was an ogre, a terrible boss, because of what the Dolly told him. He spent hours privately "counseling" her on how to deal with meanie boss. That is when most of the $LB deposits were made. Of course, these counseling sessions required secrecy, to protect the Dolly from meanie boss. I asked Taff if he ever actually witnessed any meanie boss behaviors himself. Nope. Just her word on it. In fact, they seemed a particularly tight twosome whenever Taff worked with them together... So finally, there is a flashlight penetrating the fog in Taffy's brain.

--- rant alert ---

In fact, Taff had no corroboration for [/b]any [b]of the Dolly's victim horror stories:
Two rapes;
Highly disfunctional family;
Mom threw her out when she was 16;
Druggie sister called child welfare people whilst the Dolly was babysitting niece;
Only one long term relationship, but the meanie wouldn't marry her, just wanted a live-in sitter for his kids for four years;
Rich overseas fianc� who wanted to marry her, but would require her to give up her job;
No friends in whom she could confide and get support;
Undisclosed feminine cancer, for which she required weekend treatments, extra days off, and was going to result in long term disability a few months in the future (date kept changing), but which she was bravely battling on her own;
Ongoing psychiatric care due to past trauma;
Meanie HR people who had it in for her, when she just wanted to be a super-dedicated employee;
Dying auntie, for whom she was the sole next-of-kin, who required frequent emergency hospitalization, necessitating the Dolly to sit by her bedside all night;
Several cats, various emergencies (sorry, cat-people!!)....

Personally, I think the Dolly could be an opera fanatic....

Whew! That was a load of crapola I didn't realize I was harbouring!

-- end of rant --

Um a movie comes mind. Fatal attraction? Be safe and glad to hear the good news

Yeah, Tranq, I always suspected the Dolly might be a bit of a bunny-boiler.

I did make the classic BS mistake of trying to get Taffy to see that, too... Which only drove his resolve that she was a delicate bird with a broken wing that ONLY HE could protect and nurture. Quite a shock for him to hear from others her true nature. And that she was/is carrying on w/ another man at work. "True lurve", my a$$...

Will be interesting to see how she reacts to the collegiate intervention. She has already threatened my life once... and THAT didn't work for her.

I can so clearly see that [/b]ALL OF THIS DEVASTATION COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF I HAD DONE A PROPER EXPOSURE AT D-Day 1.[b]

<<sigh>> Another BS has to learn the hard way....

OMG, just read your comment, as if I wrote it myself! We don't have same husband with the same OW, do we?
It is spot on my husbands current girlfriend, including CATS, she has six. ( I love cats btw) but six cats, two boyfriends and two kids from diff fathers and a crazy mother, All under one roof, it's a bit too much!

Dolly's victim horror stories:
Two rapes;
Highly disfunctional family;
Mom threw her out when she was 16;
Druggie sister called child welfare people whilst the Dolly was babysitting niece;
Only one long term relationship, but the meanie wouldn't marry her, just wanted a live-in sitter for his kids for four years;
Rich overseas fianc� who wanted to marry her, but would require her to give up her job;
No friends in whom she could confide and get support;
Undisclosed feminine cancer, for which she required weekend treatments, extra days off, and was going to result in long term disability a few months in the future (date kept changing), but which she was bravely battling on her own;
Ongoing psychiatric care due to past trauma;
Meanie HR people who had it in for her, when she just wanted to be a super-dedicated employee;
Dying auntie, for whom she was the sole next-of-kin, who required frequent emergency hospitalization, necessitating the Dolly to sit by her bedside all night;
Several cats, various emergencies (sorry, cat-people!!)....

Personally, I think the Dolly could be an opera fanatic....

Whew! That was a load of crapola I didn't realize I was harbouring!

-- end of rant --






[/quote]

[/quote]

Well ya know, Czarne, it is unlikely we have the same WH, but NOT impossible that we share the same OW. The Dolly is a known married-man-picker-upper. Three verified, and that is just at work. (All at once!!)

Now, wouldn't THAT be ironic!!

And I love cats too, but there is a reason that the "crazy cat lady" cliche persists.

Update:

Taffy heard from the colleagues that they will not be talking to the Dolly about the outcome of her ongoing contact. Apparently, she is renown for her nasty AO's, and no one wants to risk her wrath, for someone else's problem, no matter how much they like/respect him, dislike her.

At first I was v. upset with this news. This was Taffy's solution to get the Dolly to stop contacting him, to get her out of our lives, and now it wasn't through. I wrote a letter to the Dolly myself, which I was going to send to her via registered mail.

Taffy was busy all day yesterday in various meetings, so I could not confer with him, or even talk to him to process my emotions. Finally, I wrote (spewed) my frustrations in an email to him, and he called me when he got back to his hotel. He already had a solution. He had begun searching online for contact info for the Dolly's parents. He proposed that we/he send an exposure letter to them. He has found contact info for them (It is unconventional.. They only have a summer cottage, then house-sit during the winter.)

Upon discussion w/Taff, I am thinking this is the best solution. The Dolly is (according to Taffy), very attached to her parents. She was always terrified they would find out about the A. I think exposing to them and asking them to tell her that further contact attempts are a really bad idea, is a good tactic. I think it will produce the best results (ie, get her to go away.)

SHarley counselled us that we should make a plan which will produce the result we want. It is not about revenge. He said filing the formal complaint w/ HR will not likely produce that result, or, it may only stop her contact from work.

Our Canadian lawyer said any formal lawyer letter has no teeth. And to file a restraining order requires proof of menacing. So another dead end (unless the Dolly escalates things.)

I may send my registered letter to her anyway, once we have exposed to her parents.

Finally, we will have to re-examine Taffy's No Contact plan. The plan is not just for Taff to avoid contacting the Dolly, but to make it impossible for her to contact him. Of course, she could always make contact if she really, really wanted. But it would require extraordinary effort.

There is a corner turned here. Finally, finally, Taffy is protecting ME, not the Dolly. Such a different place to be.

Comments, suggestions?

Made it through first Anti-Versary of D-Day #1 yesterday. Taffy's birthday. He was in bed all day with back pain. Just as well, as I did not feel much like celebrating!!

Sorry.

I think it's an excellent idea to expose to her parents. Ask them to tell her stop contacting Taffy.

I hope they really give it to her.

Make sure you both do it. That way Dolly the psycho can't spin the story to save her bacon.

Thanks, Brainy and Tranq.

In the end, I did send my letter to the Dolly. To send it registered mail, I had to go to Canada. It will get there next Monday. So Taffy has the rest of the week to come up with the contact info for the Dolly's parents.

The only telephone number he has found is at their summer cottage. Going to try there, and see if they are there yet, though most Canadian cottages don't open up until May 24th long weekend. Anyway, we are both going to be on the telephone call. Makes most sense to me, as I don't want him doing it himself, but if it was just me, it might appear that Taffy is not really behind it all.

Should be an interesting weekend.

I read this on the private forum:

Would you explain the "affairage", please catwhit? I re-read your thread and I do not see this mentioned before.

Hi SugarCane

It took a while, and lots of MB readings, for me to realize ours is, in fact, an affairage. Taffy and his second wife were separated but not yet divorced when we started dating. At the time, I didn't understand that "separated" meant "not available".

In hindsight, both Taffy and I believe his marriage could have been recovered using MB principles.

More illuminating for me, Taffy's first marriage ended due to his wife's affair. His parents divorced due to his Dad's affair. So affairs, for him, were prevalent in every major relationship of his life. It has been a huge struggle for him to come to grips with his crappy boundaries around women, and his feeling of entitlement to let his needs get met whenever and wherever.

We both wish we had been exposed to MB prior to our marriage. Taffy's son is marrying in March, and we have given them FIL,SIL.

We are doing the MB online program and follow up, really good for us.

We can't change the past, but it is not too late to start - today - on a happy future.

Thank you, catwhit. I appreciate the explanation.

catwhit, just so you know, I did the same thing in my marriage but Dr Harley does not consider that an "affairage." [yes, I asked him!] An affairage is when you have an affair and leave your spouse for that affair partner and get married. It is called an "affairage" because of all the baggage that goes with it, ie: the traits that made the affair possible eventually make their way into the relationship. In his case, he had already separated when he met you. It is still adultery, but not what Dr Harley considers an "affairage."

In my situation, my XH left me for another woman. I started dating my current husband before the divorce was final. So while that was adultery, it is not what he considers an "affairage."

Thanks for clearing that up, Melody. Makes me feel a WHOLE lot better...

Quote

ALL OF THIS DEVASTATION COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF I HAD DONE A PROPER EXPOSURE AT D-Day 1

Hi Catwit I have never posted to you before but I read through your entire thread today...

Have you considered writing a post for the FR thread based on the mistakes that were made and looking back what you would have done differently? I think it would be really helpful for others!

She actually did Susie

Here on the last page False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

Hi Susie;

Thanks for checking in on me. I rue the day I didn't heed the advice I got here, to prevent the FR. So much more difficult to recover from!

Thank you, Brainy. You are a gem.

Hi all,

That was my email (on the private forum, regarding overnight business travel). that Dr. Harley referred to on the radio show today (May 23). I was surprised to hear it, because I didn't send it to the radio show.

Basically, he said he and Joyce have, on only a few occasions during their marriage, been separated overnight. He said in our case (when there has been infidelity), there should NEVER be overnight separation. (We had been under the impression that it was okay if it was two or three nights maximum, and we had lots of contact during that time. This was supported by Steve H.)