Find another way to say the same thing , but leave "lawyer" out of the sentence. Maybe something like, "I won't move my sons out of the home they love."

Don't say ,"You can move them."
Just state what your boundary is. You will not do this.

If she pesters you, you reply "This is their home. I will not move them out of their home." Don't give any other reasoning. If you offer any other reason, she will have a foot in the door for an argument.

"This is their home." <~~~ Pocket response.

I'm a little confused.
Is WW planning to take ALL of the children's' clothing out of the house, or just some items for the week? What about their toys? Their bedding? Their toothbrushes? Do you know?

Your thread is getting pretty long. I can't remember if you rekeyed the house yet. If not, time to do this. Change the garage door opener code too.

Thanks Pepp. Do I just wait until she calls after 6 and asks when am I dropping off the boys? Do I talk to her before hand?. I was planning on asking her to meet at 6 somewhere. Then show up without the boys and talk to her. Then tell her that the boys are at home and are ready for her to pick them up.

She stated yesterday that she had 2 sets of boys clothing. She bought news toys for them last weekend. WW wants clothes for the week.

Locks are changed and i have her garage door receiver now.

For your boys:
Come up with a simple tradition that will help them transition when your wife comes for them. Something that has meaning to them and causes them to hang onto good feelings about you and their home while they are gone from you.

A special story to read to them when they are going to be picked up and the same story read when they are returned. Color together. A prayer together. Blow bubbles. Even something silly. Show then the moon or a star to look at they can connect to you. Or give them a coin or rock for their pockets to think of you and you keep one too and show to them you are doing this. And so on. Basically give them a positive and grounding experience they can count on.

You hear about these transitions being a night mare for kids when parents are picking up. Perhaps not having much contact between you and wife during this process so boys well being is in focus. I sounds like you are trying to set up a discussion w/wife alone before pick up.

You could have something set up for boys to look forward to when they return. Let them know about your plans before they leave and remind them when you talk over phone etc. Send them a silly card in the mail during the week.

Sometimes I'd perceive plan A as though I was a corporation and needed to market heavily to my target customers w/out being offensive but also not misleading as far as expectations to my customers and myself. You want all of your wife's business back. Right now its limited and selective. Your son's are a big part of the cherry picking.

When your wife picks up boys, show no ambivilence towards your focus on the boys well fare needs and your love towards them. Make your wife wait a little while you perform your transition experience--ie tell story or whatever and she watches w/awe I hope.

My FWW and I were separated for 9mos after dday. She had an apartment near by and we split time with our children.

We are now over 1year into R and it is very difficult. Many highs and lows. Many days of complete hopelessness followed by days of optimism. However, it is all going to be worth it as we are working our way to an amazing M. I didn't have MB and this forum to guide me at the time.

Bottom line is that this could go any direction, FG. It is going to take time. Developing extreme patience is incredibly difficult but completely necessary. Your FWW has been dealing with this reality for a while and it is all still fresh to you. Two different perspectives.

Man, you have to keep your head up and in the game. The woman you married is still in the body of the woman you see today. The sense of rejection totally sucks. ..I know too well. She is lost right now. Maybe she will come back to you, maybe she won�t. Getting your mind right for yourself and your children will really help you gain strength.

What other options do you have? You are doing great. You really are. It took me a long time to learn how to ride the highs and lows. Heck, I still struggle. But becoming the best person you can be for you and your kids is really empowering. I decided exactly what I wanted in a M..with or without my FWW. I gave her the choice to be part of it or not. I wasn�t going to settle for second best. I feel I owe it to my children to set a positive example and I am doing exactly that.

There is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. You can create a great life with or without her. I know you can. The challenge is getting her to see you can have a great M together now. She feels hopeless. Fine line between being strong and decisive while also be kind and showing her your heart is open.

It took me a long time to get to the place where I was ready to open up my hand and let her go�That is when she came back.

Hope this gives you some encouragement today.

Personally, I am glad I did not file for D during separation. I also do not regret the long-term Plan A (9mos). She is not convinced the changes she is seeing in you are permanant. Most likely she thinks you are playing games to get her back and not genuine.

You both have a TON of proving to do to each other.

It takes TIME for her to fall out of love with POSOM and back in love with you. I basically started courting her again like when we first met. In contact enough to stay in touch but did not make her my 'total focus' day in day out.

Focused on my career and my children.

Playing too much hardball might blow your chances...might not. Impossible to predict. I chose to be Mr Cool and let the chips fall where they did...worked for me.

Where is that video link?

You do not make WW having an affair easy.

WW wants the kids and clothes.

WW has to come and pack the clothes and get the kids.

This is the stick part of the carrot and the stick.

Why can't WW come and do these things herself?

Is it because she does not want to cut her time short with her OM?

I would not let WW take the kids any where over night.

Because the WW wants to leave the home there is no reason for WW to take the kids out of their home.

One thing to let the WW come and see the kids, another to let her remove them.

You are at war. The WW can be advised to get as many over nights with the kids to make ot hard for you to get custody and have you paying WW CS.

Time to lawyer up and keep the kids under your roof.

Snoop and discover she's an adulteress and I'll be on board with whatever you choose to do. I, personally, don't see legitimate biblical justification for filing for divorce.

Not letting your wife see the kids at all is just escalating things unnecessarily. Might make you appear uncooperative, unnecessarily vindictive, and concerned only with punishing your wife and NOT the best interests of the kids. That's not to say you can't talk to her and demand a different agreement. That 7 days is just too long without your children. That you want the kids stable and at HOME in a routine most weekdays so she can have Friday nights through Sun Morning before Church (you get them for church and be the one continuing their religious education...courts will honor that in most states) Then she can have visitation Wednesday evening returning them to sleep.

You occupy HER weekend nights while still getting Sunday...and you also demand/request that both of you have first right of refusal such that she can't leave them with her parents without giving you the option of taking them (something you never give up).

Remember...each of you have 100% custody right now. You can do, demand, request whatever you want but neither of you are legally obligated to comply with anything.


Winning custody isn't a race to the court house....it's a long drawn out strategic documented plan. You probably can't win more than 50-50 right now. Nor is it likely you'll win primary. But you've got an opportunity (perhaps..depending on how smart WW plays it) to document and paint yourself the primary custody parent such that you can win a petition/motion for TEMPORARY primary custody which then leads to a period of documentation leading to FINAL custodial parent.

RECOVERY can happen anywhere in that process.

Mr. Wondering


edit to add: right now...ww isn't even aware there is a custody battle.

Had a great day at the Strawberry Festival with the boys, Mom and Dad.

I decided to take clothes and boys to WW at IL's. However; I repacked their suitcase with only 3 outfits, and long pants and long sleeve shirts. It will be in the 80's almost all week so they will be of no use to WW.

In the end I can document that I provided clothes for the boys and I thought that was in my boys best interest.

When I dropped off the boys WW was waiting outside and then took the boys inside after saying our goodbyes. She came back out and wanted to make small talk. I made sure to be decked out in all my new swag, smellin' good. I started to chat back but took MrW's advice and told her I was going to be late and had to go. She quickly asked where I was going and I just replied out.

I am sorry to all that I seem to be all over the place in my posts the last few days. In the end I will be the ROCK for my family and if WW comes along then so be it. I will stay in Plan A until I can Plan A no-more.

Thanks everybody for your support through this!!

Floridayguy. Do you have a formal legal custody arrangement? I thought that you did...but when I went back it looks like this may have been WW idea that you agreed to before you found MB.




If your WW has abandoned the family home...something legal concerning custody would be in your best interests.

I agree.
However you may want to email Dr Harley prior to filing for divorce

I am not fighting that you file for divorce.

I am not a lawyer.


I think that you need to find a lawyer who will FIGHT for you and give you legal options in your best interests. Talk to several different lawyers and learn your rights. Then make a well educated decision on what you will do. This custody arrangement does not seem in the kids best interests.

Your lawyer seems complacent.


That is my impression from what I have read in your posts.

Hello Pokerface.

No, there is no formal agreement in place. Nothing in writing. Just verbal. My lawyer wants to get things moving but I am the one holding back.

Right now the lawyer is on hold but has all my paperwork ready. I will plan A for as long as I can and document everything.

Plan A would include having a legal and binding custody arrangement when a spouse has abandoned the family home. That protects your kids. That is part of the stick of Plan A.

Do you have to file for divorce to get a legal custody arrangement? Even if your WW has abandoned the family?

Yes, per lawyer in FL I can only get a legal custody arrangement when/if I file. Without filling she is free to be with boys as she likes.

You have agreed to it ...verbally...regardless of the clothes situation.

Here:

Timesharing order ... maybe this is what would constitute a legal custody arrangement without actually filing for divorce. I am struggling that a spouse can abandon the home and family and the law cannot protect the children's security.

I am struggling that a spouse can abandon the home and family

Sadly, that's not even the case here. This WW has abandoned the home and taken her portion of the family. But SHE will be protected by the inaction of any legal repercussion, due to the unwritten "mommy exemption". Could you imagine this condition standing were the genders reversed?

Here is how you can ask Dr Harley questions on the radio broadcast. Do you listen to the show?