Isn't it her custody week? The stick of Plan A requires you to let her experience the consequences of her choices; you've got to let her pick up her own slack. If the kids become sick during her custody time, she is responsible for taking time off work, picking the kids up from school, and taking care of them. When you pick up her slack for her, it prevents her from experiencing the stick of Plan A. Plan A won't work if you offer the carrot but withhold the stick.

Yes, it is her week. I thought I was making a deposit by picking up D5. If I had said no wouldn't that have been a LB?

X2!! Your enabling

The lovebusters are:

Selfish Demands,
Disrespectful Judgments,
Angry Outbursts,
Dishonesty,
Annoying Habits,
and Independent Behavior.

Letting WW suffer her own consequences is not one of the lovebusters. It is a critical part of Plan A. She chose to be responsible for the boys this week, so you need to let her be responsible for the boys this week. She needs to learn what her life would be like as a single mom.

OK. Got it... Lessened learned. If/when this happens again do I just say I am to busy at work? Or, do I say this is your week and you need to take care of it?

I would simply remind her that it is her custody time, and this living arrangement was her choice.

I disagree.
Taking care of your kids is not enabling
That is a chance to make love bank deposits
You fight the affair.
You don't refuse to pick up your kids from school because they are sick

If you get to the point that you have a legal separation and parenting schedule then an argument can be made to force her to pick them up.
But they are your kids and you want to show care for them

Floridaguy. Take him to the doctor. Be sure to also explain to the Doc what is going on in your son's family life.

Get his advice. Document everything the doctor and your son say.

Sometimes Plan A requires you to make choices that are not clear cut.
You will get different opinions about what you should and should not do in Plan A.
Is (some action) a love bank deposit? Or it is enabling her affair?
For me, and this is just MY OPINION, when it could be a love bank deposit, and is not directly enabling her to spend time with OM, I say err on the side of the love bank.

Why?
Because once you get into Plan B, her love bank is no longer available to you.
It's up to you.
Just be sure to DOCUMENT all the GI distress your little man is having. This could be his way of expressing his stress. Also, document every Plan A thing you do, such as picking the boys up when it is not your turn.

If you don't do this for WW, it is NOT a love buster. But, why not make a deposit if it seems reasonable in that particular situation? Again, it's your call. I do not think you made a mistake.

Additionally, the health & welfare of the kids has to come first. Always.



MM is amazing.
He was military grade disciplined. The ART OF WAR.

Thanks everybody...

When WW called I just heard my son needed me and took off without any thought. I am happy to spend extra time with him and it is a good entry into my journal.

He is doing fine and as usual is eating everything in the house.

I invited WW over for diner tonight since i have the boys for the evening. She texted back "thanks anyway."

Well, I will keep trying but today is my last day to see her to make any deposits until the weekly exchange this Sunday. She makes ZERO effort to contact me unless I initiate. Unless, there is a problem that I can fix such as picking up sick son or come and take the dog.

When I do text she always texts right back and makes jokes, and LOL's, and always a smiley face. She makes it sound as if everything is SO GREAT, and this is the best thing ever!! I suppose she is just trying to let me down softly or string me along.

Keep plan A'ing when possible!

You made a huge love bank deposit in your son's bank by coming to his aid and bringing him HOME.

I hope the school told him the truth that mother was too busy at work. Can you make your cell number the primary and emergency contact for the school? Could you get WW to agree to that...given that her work is inflexible and her hands are tied ... in a nice plan A way?

That way you will be sure to be notified of any problems immediately. WW is going to try to hide things from you so that you will believe that the kids are happy and adjusted. Have you set up weekly meetings with the teachers?

I have spoken to both teachers and they will notify me of any changes. They all have my email and I get weekly updates from both. Plus I see both teachers at-least once a week when picking up both boys.

Do the teachers know about the affair and situation at home? If not, I would advise them so they can watch for any behavioral issued at *school as well ad have a school social worker speak to them, if needed.

When WW called I just heard my son needed me and took off without any thought. I am happy to spend extra time with him and it is a good entry into my journal.

Done! If the recommendation would be that the way to apply to WW "the pains from her choices" is to permit your child to suffer, well....I might have to disagree, respectfully!

LB deposits are where they are to be found. Being a caring father cannot work against your case, dude.

Made first Coaching session with Steve for tomorrow @ 7am EST. Just need reassurance that I should still plan A.

What do you mean they will notify you of any changes? What changes are you talking about?

Did the school notify you that your son was crying and sick for the past two days?

They will notify me of any behavioral changes. My son had diarrhea. Not sure if that classifies as a behavioral issue. Both boy's teachers know about the separation.

Funny/sad but both teachers are divorced with joint custody of their children so they seemed to understand the situation.

Just to add to Pep's excellent post. I documented bedwetting incidents, daytime accidents, aggression with siblings or yourself, overly clingy or wanting to held/comforted, stomach pains/diarrhea, notation if other sickness is currently going around the classroom, unusual bruising or scratching, etc. You are the lighthouse for your children and you are doing great plan A for your boys.

Take it from a guy who was able to win a WW back FG�.There is no reason to play hardball with her and play mind games. Not saying you are�just saying. She needs to see that there is HOPE for a happy life in your future.

Being cool, calm and collected is what worked for me. I absolutely would have gone and picked up the child like you did. No question about it. I would advise you to not give her ANY bullets (bad behavior on your part) to put into her gun.

By just being cool/level headed you give her no NEW reasons to hate you and/or justify her A further.

Moving forward, you seem to have a good idea what your boundaries are. This is key. By defining them and not allowing her to take advantage of you..You always have the upper hand.

The one thing I would be doing is making sure I did everything to end this A as soon as humanly possible. Focus on the things you have control over�not the things you don�t.

You are doing great!