I hear you. I'll have to think about how to do this then. If indeed the worst is true though and she is having an affair, I doubt she will let me have the phone to install an app on it or something. It's going to be tricky. If she does hand the phone right over then that probably means I have nothing to worry about to begin with. Haha maybe I can try to look over her shoulder when she types in the password or something.

I would check around without alerting her as much as you can. For example, check out the #s on her call log first. Look around in her email account. Be like James Bond!

Oh my goodness....OK guys...I'm really in shock. Need major help. I followed everyone's advice. Though I couldn't get into my wife's phone, I was able to log into her twitter account. She was posting things about masturbation and such. At least I know she wasn't seeing someone else, but I knew the reason she was turning me down was not because she wasn't "in the mood". So I confronted her and we had a long talk and finally were honest. Basically she said throughout the 15 years of our marriage she never really loved me. She just married me because we had had sex before marriage and she thought she had to do it. She said she is NOT attracted to me. We both cried together. She said she kissed another man while vacationing in the Dominican. This is just an enormous shock - I am literally paralyzed now.....We sat together crying trying to figure out what to do. We ultimately decided we need counseling, hopefully quickly. I mentioned Dr. Chalmers but she said she wants to do counseling face to face. So I am wondering if I could get a hold of a counselor who is in our area. We live in the Washington DC area. She said she would take the password off her phone, though she preferred I not look at it right now just because she's been talking about our situation with a friend. I'm just crushed now....

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to function in the next few days - go to work and such - with all this weighing on my mind.

You need to look at her phone RIGHT NOW because she is having an affair.

You better do it NOW before she deletes everything.

Maybe so....I tend to think from her Twitter posts though that maybe she isn't currently...What can we do about finding a counselor in our area?

Go look on her phone NOW before she deletes it.

And I would not go to counselor. Marriage counselors are destructive to marriages. That will be a distraction to yoru marriage problems.

But you had better get on that phone NOW.

You have ONE last chance to look at her phone before she deletes the evidence.

I assure you she is having an affair and you are just being handed crumbs to keep you off balance. If you don't get on that phone she will delete the evidence and it will take you longer to get the truth.

You have every right to read every damn word she has written to this "friend." EVen though I don't believe for a minute she isn't hiding an affair.

So sorry Pius that you are in this pain right now. Plz do not show your wife this thread. You are going to need this support. I would suggest u click notify and move this to survivng an affair. I will reply later some more when I'm not on my phone.

I'm going to be straight with you; you opened the can of worms.


I told you NOT to confront her if you found anything, didn't I? That was part of the advice!

She knows you are on her scent now.


Get the phone NOW. You need to plant spyware on it as well.

Get your phone records ASAP.

She has given you just enough to make you back off so that she can bury the evidence.

Pius,

that was not a wise thing, being 'honest' with her at this point.
From the crap that she told you, it is obvious to anyone who is objective, that she is feeding you nonsense as a way of playing down what you found. And you swallowed it, hook, line and sinker.

What you found, is only the tip of the iceberg. And currently, she is warning everyone to lay low and erasing the evidence.

- it is bullcrap, that she will not go out on valentine's day or have sex with you, or not value your marriage, because she is masturbating.
- you know it is nonsense, that she has not loved you for the whole 15 years, as you have told us already, that you did everything together and where loveydoevey and holding hands all the time. It is obvious that she is rewriting history because she needs to see your marriage in a bad light to justify her affair.
- you should have no bad consience because of snooping, because there is no such thing in a marriage as snooping! When you marry, two become one. You and your wife are one. And because of that, there are no secrets between the marriage partners. That means you are not snooping, you are not doing anything wrong. You have a right to know anything your wife does, because everything she does effects you.

Now please go another mile and find out what the real problem is, because I can assure you it is not masturbating. You don't fall out of love because of that.

1. find a way to get the truth, if she finally lets you see her erased phone, than PUT SPYWARE ON IT. She cannot be trusted in the moment, and you must protect her against the man (although you don't know his name just yet) that is trying to use her for cheap sex. Even if she does not see it this way, she will thank you for protecting her later.
Also, put a keylogger on the computer. You should have done that anyway because of the teenage children.
You may want to lay a voice activated recorder in the room where she alwas speaks on the phone, or to this 'friend' of hers. (For starters, if you have a good babyphone, it can be used in other ways also) With the VAR, you will have evidence, which might come in handy later.
DO NOT TRUST YOUR WIFE, because she is not your wife at the moment. She is a stranger. It was a big strategic mistake, which has given her the opportunity to take her affair underground.

2.
Look into plan A and implement it.

Please think. You were told to snoop and found something. Now we are telling you to get the rest of the story. You cannot let your wife ruin the lives of your children. There is too much at stake here, to trust the word of your wife, who clearly told you she does not value the marriage anymore. And please think of a way to get this woman out of the house. Isn't it right that all trouble started when she moved in?

God bless,

Happyheart

Quick update: I looked at her phone, and as she said she had been talking about me to her friend but nothing more. I didn't exhaustively examine every last text message but nothing leaped out at me. She agreed to remove the password from her phone so I should be able to inspect it at will. I looked at her email and there was no evidence of anything suspicious. I will be pondering this all and will update again soon.

Well, put spyware on her phone anyway. But don't let her know you take an interest in it ever. Let her think her answer satisfied you. And because she had time to prepare everything we have already told you that yu would not find anything suspicious.

Erasing texts is easy.
And she can buy a pay as you go phone without you knowing it.

Of course we hope it is not true, but you have too much at stake here, to not verify.

Happyheart

My FWH told me he was talking to his "friend" (OW) because she was helping him with our marriage and he was helping her with her's. That is a pretty standard excuse Pius. Who is this friend?


I didn't see anything suspicious in my FWH's e-mail either because he had a SECRET email account. The two of them actually sent innocent emails on his normal email account to throw me off. I could have saved myself a lot of grief and frustration if I had only installed a keylogger on the computer and telephone. I think you should also put a voice activated recorder in her car now that you have alerted her that you are watching her phone.

Be smart Pius.

Happyheart: Good advice. Fortunately she wasn't too concerned about info security. We have agreed to get help. She wants to meet with the counselor that helped our daughter a while back. She was a very nice lady - a Christian. I proposed getting the phone counseling session with Dr. Harley in addition to this. Couldn't hurt to have multiple perspectives. She is concerned that phone counseling "isn't personal" but I think I can persuade her to do this. One thing I said to her moved her - the idea that if in the end things don't work out, we have to be able to tell the kids we did absolutely everything we could to save the marriage. My heart is still absolutely broken though - I slept all of 10 minutes last night. I always thought a broken heart was just an expression but it literally ached last night - was physically painful. I'm running on pure adrenaline now.

I am going to offer my opinion assuming there isn�t an affair. But Pius you need to go 007 and find out for sure if she�s being truthful about that.

In lieu of no affair �

I would strongly suggest getting a counselor that follows the MB philosophy to the letter. They are hard to find. My W and I floundered around with other counselors and while I thought they made a difference they really didn't change the dynamics of our M. Too much sitting around dwelling on the past and trying to diagnose our behaviors.

MB is an action plan. The beauty of the phone counseling is its convenience and its action based counseling. You merely have to take about 30 minutes of your time to be on the phone with Dr. J. Anything your W can say face to face she can say to the Dr over the phone. Better served Dr J won�t sit around the whole session listen to her blubber about her rotten lot in life. So I would encourage you not to give up on wanting this for your M.

Your W is rewriting history which is a big red (affair) flag. She loved you at some point. Maybe it wasn�t a deep loving, romantic love but she married you � she loved you. She is saving her love for someone else � even if it isn�t an active affair. I won�t belabor that point. The real point is that SHE CAN be in love with you again. And this time it can be a romantic, lasting love.

Right now you have a reluctant spouse. BTDT. It is painful to be denied by the one person who promised to fill your needs and grow old with you. I understand. Like you, I�m a bit of a conflict avoider too (well I used to be). So far in your thread you�ve talked about how she feels and what she�d like to do. So I�ll ask you � what do you want out of this marriage? Do you want to be roommates? Do you want her to dictate how the marriage will operate?

The answer is NO you don�t want to be roommates.

I want you to begin immediately implementing the Policy of Radical Honesty. Just as an FYI you are committing LBs everyday with your dishonesty (withholding your truths). Based on your earlier comment you don�t believe you�re committing any LBs. Wrong. Conflict avoidance is the bane of your M. I speak from experience as I�ve lived that life for many years. It was the first thing Dr J called me on when we began counseling. I can�t emphasize enough how much you are damaging your M with your dishonesty.

So you need to pull up your big boy pants and tell her that the current living arrangements are unacceptable to you. You let her know you deserve to be in a happy, loving, give-and-take relationship and that you won�t settle for less. The two of you can be in love again it just takes some effort to make that happen. You won�t be used as financial support because there is nothing in it for you. You deserve better. She deserves to hear this.

I want you to think about one thing. You�re a conflict avoider. Do you think your W is attracted to that? Or do you think she wants a man who�s going to take control? Someone who isn�t going to be afraid to handle the tough situations and lead the family and M. I think you need to be more insistent on what you want. You need to communicate that up until now you�ve both done a horrible job of maintaining your M and you�re not going to do that anymore. The current path you two are on is going to lead to divorce. It isn�t a maybe it is definitely going to happen � it�s just a matter of when.

If you can�t do it for yourself then think about your family. What kind of example are you setting for them? They need you to step up and be their Dad to keep the home together.

This program works. You must believe that. And therefore you need to make a strong statement about how you are going to rectify the problem. Grab the reins Pius.

read why normal marriage counseling can do more harm then good.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164440&Number=2538310#Post2538310