She is relentless, ain't she. Time for the big guns, I think, cat whit.

What did your lawyer say will be done, if she made contact again?

Also can you block her on LinkedIn?

RQ: just contemplating which cannon to bring out... Thanks.

Brainy: Yes, Taffy has declined her invitation, and blocked her on LinkedIn.
Lawyer said contacts had to appear to be threatening in order to require Restraining Order. LinedIn contact request doesn't "count". Reconsidering getting Taff to file formal complaint w/ HR lady, though.

Finally, though, I will say that Taffy's attitude is very different this time. He is not defending Dolly-Ho at all this time (though he does say she must have really fallen hard for him to be this persistent!... Yuck!)...

We are mid-MB weekend Seminar right now. A good place to be...

I think filing a formal complaint with HR is needed. The Dolly won't stop.

Will Taffy do it?

Brainy: I came to this conclusion at D-Day. He has said repeatedly to me, he just wants it to stop, to go away. But Dolly-ho has surprised him at every step of the way.

He thought she would not try to contact him. She emailed. Twice. He finally blocked her successfully (a month after D-Day 2.)

He was [/b] sure [b] she couldn't call him, because he changed his numbers. She called once, two months after D-D2, but left no message, only a sigh. (Taff was [/b] sure[b] it couldn't be the Dolly, because he thought she didn't have his number.)

She called again 4 months after D-D2, though he was [/b] sure [b] she wouldn't. Shocked the pants off him, to be sure.

I believe this is hampering my ability to recover. Is it any wonder I still feel no love for Taffy, even after [/i] seven months[i] ?

It is true that we women want our man to fight for us. I want Taffy to be [/b] MY [b] knight on shining armour. I don't understand, not really, why he just wants to turn his back and hope it goes away. My mind naturally goes to thinking, after all this time and effort, that he still wants to protect the Dolly... And not me.

After the last phone call, I gave Taff the choice: File a formal complaint with HR, or send a legal letter. Together, we explored the legal letter option. Both Steve Harley and the 2 lawyers we consulted dissuaded us from sending the letter. I felt frustrated, though, with the lack of action.

In the end, I sent The Dolly a copy of SAA, with a note from us both, stating. "This explains what we are all going through. And why we can not accept ANY contact from you." Taff thought I was being kind, wise, sensible, compassionate. Well, apparently [/b] THAT [b] didn't work.

So... Will Taffy file a complaint now? I will put that question to him when he wakes up.

Thanks, Brainy. I value your support.

"I believe this is hampering my ability to recover. Is it any wonder I still feel no love for Taffy, even after seven months?


Everytime there is some sort of contact with this persistent tramp, your recovery clock is set back to day one. There is no way to put her in the rearview mirror when she keeps popping up in front of you.

I do not think your lawyer is correct about contact needing to be threatening. Our daughter, a former Cop, told me once that all that is required is for the person desiring there be no contact to say so. Certainly, Taffy has communicated that, didn't he?

AM

IMO, Taffy should have filed the HR complaint as soon as he received Dolly's LinkedIn request.

Catwhit, I get that you want Taffy to step up & show leadership here.

However, I'll say that it seems to me that you've been overly passive about staking out your own territory here.

When, about a year after d-day, POSOW showed up at our new church, it's true that I got on the phone pronto to enlist our new pastor's intervention, and that played a role in helping to run her off. However, my wife also put pen to paper & made clear in no uncertain terms that POSOW needed to keep her distance, or face a fight that she had no prayer of winning. W & I were a team. We had each other's backs.

And it wasn't even clear whether we were dealing with an attempted recontact, or an accidental encounter. It was ambiguous, but we didn't vacillate or bother to find out. We simply knew that we didn't want her around, no-how, no-way, and so we took action aggressively -- individually & as a team -- to stake out our ground & to enlist allies.

POSOW never showed up again. Result: 3+ years, contact-free.

Catwhit, given the repeated instances of unambiguously targeted recontact that you've described, I think that, irrespective of what Taffy is doing (which admittedly hasn't been enough), both of you have been too slow to fire back.

You've got POSOW's photos. You've got her texts. If I gather correctly, she still works in the same place she did before. There's even a chance that she continues to use her employer's resources to contact your husband. IMO, you guys both need to quit pussyfooting around & start carpetbombing her contacts (personal & professional alike) with what she's up to. She needs to know that there's a sure cost to her continuous efforts to contact your husband, and that as far as she's concerned, any contact with your DH is more trouble than it's worth. She needs to know that, Marquess of Queensberry rules be damned, she's up against a woman who'll fight viciously to defend what's rightfully hers.

Rightfully yours.

Even if it's because you want your husband to do more, please consider whether your apparent ambivalence about fighting back yourself sends an unintended message to him, just as it does to her: That maybe you just don't care that much?

If what I've said makes you angry, then good. Because I don't think you're angry enough.

Yes, he did communicate that, AM, and I have copies of both NC letters.

We consulted two lawyers because we live in WA state and the Dolly-Ho lives in ON, Canada. Our WA lawyer said that in WA state it has to be considered threatening before a restraining order can be filed. However, he can't represent us in Canada. Our Canuck lawyer said we [/i] could [i] send a letter, but that it would have no "teeth", so what was the point. In fact, for a persistent OW, it could have the opposite effect of galvanizing her resolve to act.

One big issue is that Taffy didn't save the emails from the Dolly. He has asked his IT folks to dig the records out, but they haven't gotten back to him in over a month, and he didn't follow up. His cel phone records show "someone" called from the central number of the Dolly's company, but not who, so the proof therein is hear-say. ( I did save her recent LinkedIn request.) We need proof in order to file a complaint with the Dolly's HR dept.

BTW, turns out there is no way to block someone on LinkedIn. Taffy did deny her request, and will also close his LinkedIn account. But these all seem to me to be steps taken after the fact.

Going forward, Taff and I just had a long discussion. I read him my posts here. He now agrees that it is time to take more firm action. Today, he is writing letters to the Dolly's work colleagues, exposure letters with the whole story and requesting them to use their influence to help her see the light and quit contacting him. I will approve the letters prior to them being sent.

And, he will contact his IT folks tomorrow to see about getting the email proofs. He will then file the complaint with the HR contact. Additionally, he will confer with HR at his company. His contact there knows about the situation, including our contact with Dolly's HR. She (Taffy's HR person) has dealt with Dolly's HR person before, says they are "amateurs", not very knowledgable. But since Taff's company is a client of Dolly's company, Taff's HR lady may want to get involved.

Anyway, I am feeling much more positive about the potential outcome. And about Taffy's new, take-charge stance in dealing with this. Appears he his putting down the broom and taking up the sword!

I will post Taff's letters to colleagues here later.

In your present circumstance, hanging back on account of that advice is akin to latching the barn door after the horse is already out. Forget about that now. Time to lay a stiff board across the ol' nag's hindquarters, if y'ask me...

Catwhit,

It appears as though Taffy is de-fogging. Good news for both of you.

AM

Thanks, GO. Suggestions for said stiff board?

AM: Agreed. In fact, he is at his desk right now writing the letters to colleagues. Hi Ho, Taffy!

So glad to hear he's taking further action.

Did he write the letters? Did you approve?

He DID, I approved them, and he SENT them. The letters are long so I won't reproduce them, but each one details the affair, NC letters, and the subsequent 5 instances of attempted contact by the Dolly. And Taff requests that the recipients use their influence with the Dolly to help her see that her actions are dangerous and harmful to herself and others.

He has already heard back from one colleague who said Taff made the right decision in choosing to reconcile and work on our marriage. And that of course they will help.

Also, Taff has followed up with IT to get copies of the Dolly's emails. Then he can proceed with the HR complaint. I am not certain he WILL file that complaint, though. If he gets good results from the letters to colleagues (ie., the Dolly agrees to no contact), he may try to argue that it isn't necessary...

One step at a time, and his willingness to write/send the letters, and the response so far, are encouraging to me.

Yes, Jessica, I guess I AM bracing myself for another broken promise. The HR person said she would need the proof in order to accept and act upon the formal complaint. Taff did originally start on the proof-finding trail, but didn't pursue it enough when he didn't hear back, 2 months ago. So far, the only proof we have is what I have discovered, salvaged and saved. We need those emails.

I do feel Taffy's attitude is more robust this time though. He finally realizes the Dolly isn't going away, that we cannot have her popping up in our lives every two months like a demented jerk-in-box. That it is HIS task to slay that dragon. (I do have a rock-star back-up plan, but who ever heard of the fair maiden going to battle?)

Interesting fallout from Taffy's exposure to the Dolly's colleagues. Seems she is known as a manipulator of men, and a chronic liar. One of the colleagues, a senior, motherly woman, was really surprised Taff picked the Dolly for an A. Thought he was smarter/classier than that. Says the scuttlebutt is that the Dolly is having an A w/ her boss. Taff doesn't believe it, because the Dolly always professed to HATE her boss. But then, that was her M.O., to get Taff to "rescue" her from the meanie boss.

It seems Taff is FINALLY seeing that the Dolly may not be the "really nice person" he always professed she was.

Anyway, tomorrow, two colleagues are going to get on the Dolly's case about how stoo-pid she is for continuing contact/harassment, and that she is playing a dangerous game.

Taffy got a response from one IT guy in re: the D's emails, who basically passed him off to another guy. But at least there is a step forward there...

And my narcissae popped their heads out of the soil today.

So things are right with the world tonight.

I'm so glad some colleagues are confronting her. Finally!!! Finally Taff is coming out of the Fog!!!

I hope some of them hold her feet to the fire!!!

Oh you know she's having an affair with boss-man. I wonder if he's married?