I found your Marriage Builders site in search of help after finding out my husband was having a long term affair with a client. I found out about the affair by accident, my husband was very good about hiding it, I suspected only because of the change in affection toward me, but one day he forgot to hang up from a call to me and I overheard him talking about the other woman to his friends, bragging is more like it. I was devastated to say the least. We have been married 22 years at that point. I put him out of the house right away, only to find he moved in with her. I was shocked at how easy it was for him to move on. Later I found out the affair had lasted three years before my discovery. Everything in me fully expected him to come back home, he would swing back and forth between her and I until I finally decided I would cut off all communication with him, in my heart I believed he didn't love me anymore (or forced myself to believe that) and I also began to speak to someone else. I refused all his calls, would not see him. That's when he decided to come home. He said he was done with the other woman and wanted to work on our relationship. For the first two months I saw a significant improvement in his behavior, how he treated me, his affection and love towards me was overflowing. But recently it has all diminished and he is once again saying he will always have love for me, (not that he loves me or is in love with me) and the affection is gone, even his desire for sex has diminished.
I am tired, we have been at this struggle with his infidelity for almost two years now, our 24th wedding anniversary is in a few months at times its the only reminder that we are still married. I want to be happy and in a relationship where I am loved, especially when I have gone so long without being loved.
He has been home almost 4 months now and I am beginning to wonder if he is once again speaking or seeing this woman (he did speak to her a few weeks ago I became aware but promises that he has not since then), although his time alone is very limited and he accounts for all his time away. Or is it that he misses her so much that he is depressed, which is still hard for me to witness and causes me great anger and distress.
I don't know what to do anymore. I was wondering you have so many books I didn't know where to start which one would help me best. I hoped that I could present him with something we could do together if he agrees. Any advice you suggest will be appreciated.I love my husband our family, I really want to save our marriage but I can't handle the emotional rollercoaster anymore and wonder if it's time to call it quits.

Do you mean a male person?

Start here ~~~> READ every link

There are some important questions that we need answered before we can help you.

1. How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?

2. Do you have any children? How old are they?

3. How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

4. How did your WS meet their AP?

5. How long did the A last?

6. How did you find out about the A?

7. Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?

Are there any other important impediments to the marriage? Addiction? Abuse? Porn? Gambling? etc....

1. How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? Both of us are 44

2. Do you have any children? How old are they? 2 children son 21 daughter 22 both live at home

3. How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? married 23 years this is the first marriage for both

4. How did your WS meet their AP? she was a business contact and the mother of one of my son's friend

5. How long did the A last? 3 1/2 years

6. How did you find out about the A? I found out because he forgot to hang up the phone in a conversation with me and I overheard him bragging to his friends

7. Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? Not yet is that the best place to start?

Welcome to MB, princefan. I'm sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.

Since OW is a friend of one of your children, it sounds as if she lives locally and is easy for your H to keep in touch with. You say in your post that indeed you found out that they had spoken a few weeks ago. In all likelihood, they have never stopped contacting each other.

This was a long affair and D Day resulted in your H going to live with her for a while. I'm sorry to have to tell you that, from my own experience and from reading here on the board, long and deep affairs like this do not die easily after D Day. The affair partners take the affair deeper underground, away from scrutiny, and simply carry on as before. What drives a WH to do this is the free sex, flattery and admiration - "love" - that he gets from OW. He rarely wants to make a life with OW and indeed, your H only moved in with her after you found out about the affair and kicked him out of your home. He came back to you the minute you made it clear that you were prepared to move on - not that you should have been doing that with another man while you were still married. In other words, he never chose OW over you. If forced to make a choice he would choose you over her, 100 times. However, if not forced to make a choice he will keep both of you, because being loved by, and serviced sexually by, two women is 100% better than being serviced by only one. He is like a dog with two penises and he couldn't be happier.

So the answer to your question is yes, the affair is ongoing and he is still in contact with her. He is probably still having sex with her - you just haven't figured out when or how he sees her.

You now need to spy electronically on him without letting him have a clue that this is going on. You need to make a decision based on evidence. You need to put spyware on his phone and PC, and hide a digital voice recorder in the place where you think he is making calls to this woman - in his car, velcroed where he can't find it, or in his home office.

You need to prepare to separate from him once the evidence is discovered, which should take less than a week. He needs to be put out of your home and you need to go into Plan B, where you have nothing whatsoever to do with him until he ends his affair and proves that to you. You need to be prepared for your marriage to end completely, because some men do not come back after they are told to leave. I have hope that your H will do so as he did so before, so clearly he has no wish to make a life with this woman with her loosely-elasticated knickers.

In order for you to accept him back he would have to agree and demonstrate no contact with OW, and if she is local you will have to move away from the area. Indeed, if she is local and he lives with her you will want to move away from the area anyway, because watching them build their love nest is no way for you to live. So in fact, you could start the process of moving away as soon as he leaves, by putting your house up for sale, or ending the rental lease.

I have no time to search now, but you need to read the Plan B link. You need to make sure that OW's husband knows exactly what has been going on - I take it that they are separated but you still need to tell him what went on in the last few years of his marriage, and for all you know, he might be reconciled with her. You need to make sure that your children know why their father left last time and that he is choosing to coninue his affair and so is being made to leave this time. You need to separate your finances and make sure he is aware of his responsibilities with the mortgage and other bills - see a lawyer about this.

But first: spy, and do not let him know ANYTHING about spying or about MB.

Are there any other important impediments to the marriage? Addiction? Abuse? Porn? Gambling? etc....

Prince, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. You have received some great advice from Sugarcane. The most efficient and effective way to find out about his affair would be to hire a PI. A PI can usually get the goods in about 2 days. The next best option is to place spyware on his phone, a GPS on his car and a VAR in his car. We can help you with all this.

Here.
Private Investigators

Hi princefan86.

Sugarcane gave you excellent advise. I hope that you will go back and read it a few times to absorb it all.

Here is what MB says about how an affair should end:


Affairs are an addiction. That is why it is not surprising that you have found continued contact especially given the ease in your situation to take it underground.

I would not call it quits yet. But realize that if you cannot get your WH out of there, he will not be able to resist this OW. As long as OW is close, the greater the chance for the affair to resume. I would bet money that OW is actively pursuing your WH.

As everyone has advised get the proof first. We can help you go from there.

Yes another man. I thought,it would be the only way I would get over my husband.

The way to "get over" being robbed by a robber, is not to become a robber yourself.

Do you see that now?

Yes he was addicted to cocaine for many years. He has not used cocaine for 6 years. He does smoke marajuana and has recently begun gambling during his time with ow.

Thank you for adding this important additional information.

You said:


I think it is time to protect yourself. Let's not describe that as "calling it quits".
You not only have the right to protect yourself, you have the duty to protect yourself.

You need to see an attorney to protect yourself.
You will probably have to file for 'something' to protect yourself. Either a formal separation, or a divorce, depending on your state laws. Find out what to do from a family law attorney.

Leaving yourself open to his destructive lifestyle is not the way to demonstrate your love for him.

Does this make sense so far?

This is an illogical (untrue) statement ~~~> "Because I love you, I will allow you to ruin my life".

I do not know if you can save your marriage, but what I am absolutely 100% certain about is that you must take steps (actions not words) to protect yourself.

Yes he was addicted to cocaine for many years he no loner use that but does smoke marajuana and began gamb ling while with ow.

Sugarcane tou were absolutely right he has been in contact with her the whole time. I cant believe how much he has lied. I have asked him to leave and I plan on moving and getting on with my life. You are absolutely right I cannot watch this. All I can consider,is that the only option left is divorce.

I'm so sorry.

How did you find out? And what does "in contact with her" mean? Was he shagging her? What did you find out?

He continued calling her and looking for her. He even showed up at her house. He addmitted it today. Not saying he eants to end the affair nor is he saying he wants to be with mr. All he says is he doesnt know. He said it didnt get physical but I dont believe him. Therein I asked him to leave even though I eanted him to stay more than anythijng. I feel very heart broken right now. Thank you for your advice.

I am sorry for these challenges facing you

Thank you Jedi. Does anyone know where you go from here? What I can do next to move past the pain and cycle of allowing him back into my life time after time when things fall apart for him.