Let her know that is a deal breaker. NO CAN DO. The letter has to be approved by you and mailed together. Tell her you won't agree to any secrecy. The purpose of the letter is a good will gesture to YOU, the victim.


here

I thought so! I would strive for ZERO. Capitulation is a renters strategy that ruins marriages. You really need to read this article and take it all in:

How to Make Your Wife Happy

Notdone, make sure that it meets your approval. If it does not, I would not agree to send it. Capitulation on this issue will tear you up. It will not help your marriage one bit, rather it will breed resentment that will feel for years. So, be very cautious here and don't agree to anything that doesn't make you feel better.

CRISIS!!!!

My WW and I were discussing the NC letter over the phone and by email while I was at work. I returned home and she was gone. She'd left the boys with a babysitter in the 45 minutes between me leaving the office and getting home.

I texted her asking where she went and she wrote me this message:

-----------------------------------
[NotDoneYet]

Im sorry. I cant be your wife. Your love smothers me. It feels yucky and thats awful for you because you are such a great man, great dad. You deserve so much more love than i can offer you.

Im sorry about dragging you back to this. I feel just awful about it. I thought it would be better for the boys w us together. I really did want it to work for their sake, and yours.

Tell the boys i feel sick. Not virus sick but heart sick. So sick i need to rest a lot, and i cant rest when im taking care of them. Or tell them what you want. You are right. I am bat [censored] crazy. Tell them that if you think its better than my version of the truth.

Im sorry [NotDoneYet]. Im so so so sorry for your pain. And the boys. I so wanted to be a good mother.

I love them so much but im not good for them. Im not good for you. I failed you.

I'll be with [OM] tonight. Dont contact me unless there is an emergency w the boys. Not because im choosing him over you, because he is someone i havent failed. I cant face my family, dad, friends.

Leave [OM] out of this. Its me that is the villian, not him. He did nothing to you. I did.

[the babysitter] knows nothing. I told her nothing.

Im sorry. So so so so sorry.

[ww]
-----------------------------


I am crushed and scared for her. I called the other man and told him to send her home. That I was willing to wait for her and was certain that with time and opportunity we could heal our family. He agreed to talk to her and ask her to call me...

I would call a close family friend and go over there with the kids. I wouldn't trust a POSOM to talk my wife to stay with me. That's just me I'm no vet but that seems plausible. Get a VAR to protect yourself.

Keep that note. Lock it up somewhere for safe keeping.

She's back with OM.

She's an addict.

Get the kids home and do something great for them.

This is not the end of Plan A.

Tomorrow, or ASAP, you change the locks on the house.
You do this not to keep WW out, you do this "For safety issues."

When you can, GPS her vehicle.

Are you documenting everything?
Have you read the thread discussion about documenting?

Call her parents & read the note to them
ASK her parents to go over to OM's place to make sure their daughter is OK.
I think you should stay away.
Too volatile and ripe for a restraining order.

That is my opinion.

For heaven's sake, keep the kids far away from OM at all times.

Ohhhh, brother.......

NDY, history has shown that there are two distinct nodes of grouping of the BHs that arrive on the MB site.

The first group believes that somehow, after betraying her wedding vows, and "giving it up" to another...man....his WW is entitled to feel that the recovery action is to be her option, under her control, and run under her auspices. Your honest assessment of being 85% of a "wuss" in maintaining your position in disagreement with WW, pretty much sets you as starting there.

The second group understands that the rupture was entirely caused by her decisions, and her faulty judgment is enough to indicate that NOTHING in the initial recovery actions will be done by her volition or selection. It was after all, her crappy set of judgments that ended with her sharing bodily fluids with OM, and nothing she would have done after that would have indicated she had been blessed with a huge increase in intelligence or discretion.

The speed and with which you can escape that first group and enter the second will have a profound effect on the probability, and alacrity of achievement, of your eventual full recovery.

NDY,

Sorry you're here. I'm not a vet, just a fellow BH like yourself. Do what NG is telling you. Do it now. He (and others) have helped me more than I thought possible. Sack up man, and do what you have to do.

Contact a lawyer tomorrow and tell him or her that your wife abandoned your kids to be with another man. See what can be done to get you an emergency 100% custody order and child support from her. You do not want her turning up in a day or two and taking them away because "they need to be with their mother".

You can be in communication with her for a few more days until custody issues are sorted out and to see whether she wakes up after 48 hours and comes to her senses, but once you find out about full custody of your kids you should go to Plan B.

It is very hard for a man to go to Plan B because a wife often wants him out of the home and for her to keep residential custody of the children. If he does not want to lose his place in the family he has to stay living with her while she continues her affair. However, you now have the house and the kids and she is gone. If she is not coming back, cement that position, look after the kids and wait for the affair to fall apart. Meanwhile, you don't have to let her eat cake any longer.

I am 85% wuss. That's a mistake. I don't intend to capitulate any further.

NG, how do I move forward on recovery process if she is unwilling? Should I jump back to plan A like pepperband suggests?

I can't afford lawyers or extensive time off from work. I used up my good graces with my employer trying to do therapy with WW last fall...

I'll be blunt.

Afford it or not, you need a lawyer. Do you want her in and out, threatening to take the kids, etc. What if she files and asks you be removed. It is likely. Getting the jump puts you in control of the timing and may shock her to her core. She still seems to think drama and all this junk is real life. Let her see what reality is.

Plan doesn't mean plan bend over backwards to appease her.

You can plan A if you can take it. But, protect yourself. Live your life. Protect your home and children from her drama filled whims. Leave the door open, but with a specific way to enter in. Improve yourself, learn how to be a better husband in case you get the chance. But now, this in not a game and you need to take control.

Get legal advice. I suspect you will need it soon enough anyhow.

Change the locks .... very Plan A (stick) .... and also functions as preparing for Plan B.
It's a two-fer.

Please make sure you document her abounding the kids.
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

NG, how do I move forward on recovery process if she is unwilling?

YOU DO NOT INTEREST YOURSELF RIGHT NOW IN RECOVERY!!!! Your concentration right now is blowing up her fantasy-land affair, ruining her life-style if necessary to do it!

I just jumped into your thread yesterday, NDY, so might be a bit behind. BUT......

The number one infidelity fighting tool is EXPOSURE!

When that word is used here, it means

....telling not only her family, and your family, AND YOUR CHILDREN, and all your sets of friends, and her clergy, and her sorority sisters, etc, etc, the following: "I must sadly inform you that WW has violated her marital vows and has run of to conduct an adulterous affair with Farmer Dave, proprietor of Lay-Me-Down Farms. I ask you, to NOT comfort and sustain WW in this misguided effort, and instead use wahtever influence you have on her to give up her doomed affair and return to me and her children."

...and telling HIS family, his business associates, the rest of your farm cooperative, and the farm-cooperative business group, and any stockholders/landlords/suppliers the following: "I must angrily inform you that Farmer Dave of Lay-Me-Down Farms has used his business relationship with my family to seduce and remove my wife WW from her family home and responsibilities. I tell you this to warn you of his underhanded and devious nature to have you guard you marriage and business interests from his predatory actions.

In the meantime, isolate all financial assets from her access. If her vehicle is registered to you, pull the plates, turn them in, and cancel her insurance. Cut off all credit cards you can. Change your locks. Get yourself a mini-audio recorder to protect yourself.

Dude, this is not anything but flat out WAR! "Wusses" need not begin the process. I'm not kidding.

You are not in recovery.
She is still seeing OM.

You cannot rebuild the 'house' until you've fully extinguished the flames.

Yes. Plan A stick.

To go along with the others:

You really need to fully take stock of where you are. Yesterday you thought you were in recovery.

Today, you are not.

You can leave a way back, but it was to be the way you choose.

If you choose to try to do it the MB way, there are a lot of folks here to help, but the way is narrow, specific, and not for the fainthearted.

But I truly believe it is way to go. You will be better off in the end no matter where the road leads if you follow it.

Or you can signup for more of the same.

MB is about stopping the way you are going and changing the direction

Remember, it is about you now, what you control is your actions, nothing else. Do the things because they are best for you and your children, because they are the right way to do things. If she comes along eventually and you want that then great, but you don't control that. Don't base your actions on her reactions anymore. It will make you an unhealthy person.

I know this is hard to do, believe me I was as slow a learner as there ever was. But I came out the other side, and only survived it because of the plans here.

Don't waste months like I did. Get out ahead and lead this.

There is to be no debating her, no talking about the relationship, no convincing her. Every time you say "We can" she will say "We can't" so don't bring it up. If she tries to engage, tell her you want a new marriage to her, better than ever, and are willing to work on it if she is willing to do the things you require. That's it. Be cordial. But you cannot do anything to bring her back, only make her want to come back.

But remember, this is Marriage Builders, not Marriage Take Her Wayward Butt Back and Hope She eventually Changes and In the Mean Time Make the Best of It.

It really has to be all or nothing. If you don't get it all, you will get nothing.

She's home and locked herself in the utility room hiding from me. I am sitting on the couch. Calmly.

She filed divorce papers already so that process is already in motion. This was a temporary change of heart.

She's back to wanting a divorce. And wants me to leave the house. Do I insist she leave?