My wife and i have been married 6 yrs w 2 kids, since the beginning there has always been an underlying issue w intimacy, though she has been open and honest at times she has never completely felt safe enough to be totally intimate(talks,cuddling,handholding,sex,etc) not that we havent had some wonderful times,shes seems to have always felt trapped, I'm a very tender person very open to honesty and problem solving, she is not so much.our sex life has always been up and down maybe 1 or 2 times a mnth to once every 3 mnths very sporadic, after desperately trying to put some intimacy in our marriage I had become frustrated and basically blew up after 5 yrs and said what the f*** is the problem , we need to do something, do we need counseling, separation, WHAT! well, she said maybe we need to separate, which was obviously not the answer I hoped for but we did start counseling 5 mnths ago, since then I have appologized for my outburst and have told her how important her feelings are to me, i have said once(calmly) that i dont necesarrily agree w separation but will support her decision and if theres anything I can do to that will make our time together happy and enjoyable just let me know, she has looked at apartments and were trying to get caught up on bills b4 she leaves, but I am still hopeful she will change her mind if she could only justify staying, I have tried to talk a few times but she get very defensive and guilty feeling and says her feelings matter and I cant tell her how to feel, and that is totally opposite of what im saying,I just want us to be happy and enjoy our time together while were still together as a family, so I havent approached the topic for about 4 wks and last night she broke down and said she feels like shes going backwards and we dont talk about it, I said i havent brought it up to respect her feelings that she didnt want to talk about it but i am here to talk if she wants and i am just trying to be happy with our family while were together, she said 'why cant i do that' and i said you can if you want to then she said she didnt want to talk about it anymore so i said okay and we went to bed, just wandering if anyone has any input into something i dont see or can do to help

Sorry for your troubled marriage.

Have you read all the MB Basic Concepts?READ THIS LINK ~~~>*link to Basic Concepts

Please put paragraphs in your posts so we don't suffer eye strain.

I see a few red flags in your situation.
Are you 100% certain your wife does not have another man waiting in the wings?

Sorry bout that, I havent done this before, I have read through all the basic concepts and anything else I could find, she has adamently told me there is no-one else, is that 100%? no but I'm not gonna pound that issue to her.I'm doing anything I can to help fill her love bank going on what I know about her,just letting her know her feelings are valid and I care about them. She has said she doesnt know who she is, and doesnt know what will make her happy. Even if there is someone else waiting in the wings, there is plenty of happiness and love in our home for her to change her mind, I believe.

Trust, but verify.
Look into the phone records. Ask her to use her cell phone at various times.
Go look at the computer history.

So, you've read the Basic Concepts.
Have you downloaded the EN Questionnaire? 2 copies. One for each of you.

I have checked those things with really no results,and yes I have read the questionnaire not quite ready to give it to her, soon though. After last night I feel she is getting more comfortable talking, any previous attempts seemed to make her feel I was trying to control her feelings or something and she would withdrawal I am going to start tonite by just asking her to tell me a couple of things I can do to fill any of her emotional needs.She has been very up and down more down these past few mnths, and its all I can do to not reach out and comfort her, but she said she just didnt want that, until last nite when she broke down in my arms and said she felt conflicted and guilty for wanting to move out.

First off, I would do some more careful sleuthing to rule out an affair. Don't ask her, just quietly look around.

Will she take these questionaires?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.html

And what is her opinion of this article? How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

And what is your opinion of this article? The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

I have tried as much sleuthing as I could think of to no avail.We got into a little of the sex stuff in counseling and it seems I am the one thatprefers more intimacy/affection etc. she would just rather,get it done,she has also felt that sex is something a wife needs to do for her husband whether she wantsto or not so ther would be times it I could sense that and it would just be awkward. She has said she views intimacy as stupid and that its something I need that she just can't give, and when i've told her that just talking and little things fill some of my intimacy needs, she says she doesn't see it that way. It seems to me she keeps trying to find reasons we shouldn't be togetherbecause there really isn't any good ones. She has said things like' I like nice things and your more simple' or 'I don't like camping and outdoors as much as you'. This is just all really wierd to me.

I just can't seem to figure out why someone would not want to return any kindness to someone who is nothing but kind and understanding,and always been that way. The only thing I have ever been able to go by are her cues and reactions to things, cuz she never can just be open with me,I've seen this fear or supression or whatever it is for a long long time.I just wish she would want to break out and just be happy.

The aversion article seems to make alot of similarities to us, but there is nothing I can do to get us on the same page.I am just trying to show I care about her feelings.We dont have any hostility or anything, the only thing missing is intimacy and a mutual agreement to move forward in our marriage.

this is the first time i've done this and I posted my topic under divorcing/divorced, not sure if it was the right place to post, my wife is talking about separation, and would just like any understanding input or help for my end.

Stick to one thread. If you're concerned about the amount of responses you'll get on your other thread Hit the Notify button as your next reply to that thread and ask the Moderators to move it here to Marriage Builders 101. This section gets more attention.

However if you find your W is having some kind of affair you'll want to move it to the Surviving an Affair board.

according to the replies so far, my wife appears to be having an affair of some kind, I have looked for evidence of it and asked her before, but really have nothing to back up an affair, and I really don't want to become preoccupied with those thoughts

according to the replies I've gotten my wife appears to be having some kind of affair, but having found no evidence of that I really dont want to be preoccupied w that, it's too painful

Could anyone let me know if my approach to this seems like the right one, and could it be anything other than an affair?

Is there anyone out there with a similar exp, and is there any other reason than an affair? I'm sure the way I'm dealing with this is right but would really appreciate some more feedback.I'm not sure what else I can do to help us by myself.

We, here, follow Dr. Harley's principles and rule #1 is to rule out an affair and thus snooping/sleuthing to find if there is one is job #1.

His policies/methods won't work if you go down a path assuming there is no affair. Your time will be wasted and you'll create more harm then good. The longer the affair lasts in secrecy the hard it is to de-fog the wayward.

Yes I understand but I have done that and found no evidence.

Tell ya what. Post what you've done to snoop over on the Surviving an Affair board. If the posters there (that are seasoned at this) say you've done a satisfactory job in snooping then I'd say we're ready for Step #2.

or

Both Pepper and Melody have posted to you on your thread. Those two are highly qualified, experienced posters when it comes to infidelity ... along with all other aspects of MB. If they think you've done enough snooping then I'm on board with helping you above and beyond that.

Threads merged.

Is it a good sign that she says shes conflicted,up until now I havent really heard her say that.