1st marriage- 13/14 years- no affairs on either end
2nd marriage- 7/8 years- multiple affairs on her end
Our marriage- almost 9 years- no affairs on either end

Please listen to these radio clips and tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on Opposite Sex Friendships
Radio Clip

[/quote] What is horrible is ignorance of how affairs begin. 50-60% of marriages experience affairs. The vast majority of those, 99%, are not people who are looking for it, but people who had poor boundaries and sort of fell into it. They unwittingly allow people of the opposite sex to meet their needs and before they know it, romantic feelings develop and an affair ensues.

Affairs typically come from 2 sources: former lovers and/or friends of the opposite sex. Affairs typically happen with people who say "I would never do that!! I can be trusted!!" The reason they are the top offenders is because they have poor boundaries. The reason they have poor boundaries is because they do not understand the risk of allowing people outside of marriage to meet their needs. And when one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.

Your feelings of jealousy are your instincts warning you that your marriage is at risk. And it is. Your husband maintains sloppy boundaries with women and it would not surprise me if he has an affair some day because of it.

You might want to check this out: Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage? [/quote]

We have all our needs met within each other. We even sat down and took the questionnaire that was suggested. I was not surprised by any of his answers and he was not surprised by mine. We know each other and what we need. For you to suggest either of us getting our needs through a contact of old friends is irritating. But it just shows your ignorance of us and our daily lives and our relationship with one another.

I have said numerous times I am not jealous. Yes, at first I felt jealous of her sweet words but I stated my husband and I spoke about my feelings and I was fine after that. And I have also said there has been no contact with her again. That he did not reply to her. It was later that I started to feel bad about being his 3rd wife. Seriously no jealousy, just sadness that we had not met first. And a bit of irritation that I can not find something to do between us that he has not done with anyone else. Its stupid and a little irritating to me that I feel this way as I am a logical person and know this is not how life goes.

So you were coming on here to discuss how you felt about being the third wife?

You don't need any help with building your marriage?

You're ok with the boundaries in your marriage on both of your sides?

I answered this to another yesterday. It is because of how pushy she was and the poetry she sent that my husband will have no contact with her again. I will state right now he is willing to go as far as putting a court ordered restraining order on her if she does not take the hint. Therefore she is not a worry, not a threat, the only reason I brought her us is I thought there was a need to explain the entire situation that led up to this point. Not all of it is specifically relevant but I have found those things can be important to outside viewers in order to make a full observation. Apparently here the more information you give the more people like to twist it.

Serenity13. I do not live in constant fear of my DH having an affair because my DH and I both have boundaries to protect our marriage from OS friends and co-workers. Read the threads here and you will find that a shocking number of affairs begin with OS friends and co-workers.

You did not watch the video that I posted to you did you?

I would have loved to see your DH stand up for your marriage and tell this woman to never contact him again. Doing nothing against a blatant attack on your marriage is dangerous and naive.

Yes, I understand this is a marriage building site but I had heard from a friend that I may have been able to find some good incite into my feelings here. They stated that I if I did not find some closure to my feelings that resentment and other things could follow and that if that happened then this is a good site for that as well. So I figured I'd give it a try. Not working out as well as I had hoped. Found more help on a divorce site than here. Go figure.

Did you watch the video that was posted here to you?

What do you think?

Serenity13. I do not live in constant fear of my DH having an affair because my DH and I both have boundaries to protect our marriage from OS friends and co-workers. Read the threads here and you will find that a shocking number of affairs begin with OS friends and co-workers.

You did not watch the video that I posted to you did you?

I would have loved to see your DH stand up for your marriage and tell this woman to never contact him again. Doing nothing against a blatant attack on your marriage is dangerous and naive.





[/quote]

I responded to another poster in regards to what my husband was willing to do about this woman. I stated that if she contacted him again. Which she has not and it has been 3 days since the last email. He would send her a do not contact letter. If that fails he will press charges of stalking and get a restraining order. I personally had to do this with an old high school friend that found me after years.

I apologize greatly for bringing my concerns to the wrong site. I do appreciate everyone trying to help. But giving the wrong advice is just as destructive as giving bad advice.

I am sorry I did not answer your question about the video. Yes I did watch the video. He has some good points but neither I nor my husband agree with everything he says.

Did you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?

Here is some more good reading.
Resentment Type A and Type B

Yes and we even took the questionnaire. No surprises for either of us.

Serenity. You sound very angry and defensive.

I'm not sure why you are so vehemently against listening to us about protecting your marriage and boundaries. That does not make sense.

OK. So I'll deflect the EP discussion to focus on why you feel you came here.

Do you associate being special with recreational activities? I�m try to get some context around what you feel is �special�. What is an example of one thing you and him could share that would make this R, this M, more special?

I�m curious because other than you having a prowler trying to bust in on your M it seems you and him have a pretty good R. You seem to be very open and honest with each other. You seem to have full disclosure in your M. After listening to your posts you seem to grasp the concept of what to do when someone presents a threat (although your comment about living in fear is kind of silly and foreign to us who�ve witnessed just how horrid waywards are (lying, sneaky, people who become someone entirely different).

Take what you need and leave the rest. People took time out of their own busy lives to try to help you because you asked for advice. If you don't find it applicable, there is no need to be ungracious and angry. Just reject and move on.

Not quite sure if recreational is the word I would use. But the thing that really hit off all my thinking was the last ladies' reminiscing of a "get away" trip they took together. We took one once. Locked ourselves away from the world for a bit and really enjoyed just it being the 2 of us. At the time he stated he hadn't done anything like that before and so it felt special to me. Something we could experience for the first time, together. Turned out he had already done it.

Then perversely for the next day my mind kept going back and forth. He has already been married, already had kids, already bought a house, already had a get away trip, already had anniversaries, and on and on, small things, big things it didn't matter what I thought about, it makes sense he has already done it with someone else. I don't know for sure everything he has ever done and I was getting disheartened. Which is why I asked him to tell me one thing he hadn't done with anyone else that he had done with me.

So I concluded there was a problem within myself being as how this never bothered me before. Never, we would even talk about past things we had done. I realized this could possibly turn into a bigger problem and so I have ben looking for some incite. Here was only once place that was suggested to me to try.

I was referring to the actual years of the marriage. ex, 1999-2011

Serenity

I've been following your thread since the beginning and wanted to offer my perspective.

It sounds like you and your husband have a really good marriage. You seem to be following a lot of the principals recommended by Dr. H and you generally seem very happy together.

I can understand your concerns about the feeling that you may not have as many "special unique together moments" as H may have had in his prior life, before you came into his life (and completed it). You long for something that you can call your own, something not previously shared by another woman.

These things can eat away at you if you let them. The best that you can do, IMHO, is to brainstorm with your husband, and find something thats new. Then do it, take plenty of pictures, and find the next thing to do together. This is the spice in our lives, to find great things to do together and create a great life together. Continue doing this until you find all of the things that bring spice to you lives. (I'll bet none of the other women went skydiving with him, maybe bungee jumping too).

Now a question for you. What if you dont find anything new to share with him? Will that change your life? Make you less happy with him?

I want to say that I really appreciate everyone trying to help me. And I want to apologize for it seeming that I was getting angry. I was more frustrated as it felt like no one was listening to what I was saying. Like everyone was paused on it had to be an affair. I am fairly certain you can understand how anyone would get a bit ruffled over that.

Oh, not sure exactly, never really cared enough to know, which is why I wasn't sure exactly how long the marriages were. I know I am close though only a year or two off on each. The minimum is correct though, he was married at least 13 years to the first but I am fairly certain it was longer. And 7 or 8 years to the second is. We married in 2004. But I don't see how that would help.

Yes, I know I can understand why you felt that. The folks here are generally good at seeing thru some veils that betrayed spouses may not able to see thru. Prying like they do is how they got so good at seeing affairs that others may have missed. It's not personal, its just that they (we) just want to get to the bottom of the situation. It seems harsh, especially when you're not expecting it to go in that direction.