You are missing a HUGE PIECE here, and it is that she is not in love with you. Women need 2 things in order to desire sex: an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. She is not emotionally attached.

Asking her to do something she does not enjoy, out of a sense of sacrifice, will only make her more averse to sex. Sacrifice is disastrous to marriage because the person who is doing the sacrifice eventually gives up. And it sounds like that might have happened here.

If she were to use this program and fall in love again, she would feel like having sex with you.

"First I fix the relationship, and nine times out of ten, sexual problems disappear, with or without unresolved childhood experiences. I spend very little time fixing sexual problems these days because most couples I counsel don't have sexual problems after they have learned to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. " Dr Bill Harley

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

Yes, most couples are very different. They LEARN how to be compatible. I like nice hotels and my H likes camping, etc. But we are very happy and very much in love.

I do understand these things,but she wont tell me what I do that fullfills her emotionally, I go on her responses to things I do, thats where I'm at and have been for a long time,she wont tell me what she needs from me. So I take interest in her work,shows she likes, listen intently when she talks, be understanding and accepting of her feelings. She is in a sad place and doesnt want to come out.

At the same time, I am starting a small business of my own while working full time(10 yrs) and take good care of myself and family.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I haven't tried to push sex into our relationship without an emotional connection, I've been trying to establish that connection for a long time but she is resistant for some reason, she won't tell me what she needs emotionally,she says she needs nothing, yet shes depressed alot of the time,so again, I go off whatever cues I can get as to what makes her feel good.

Ok, so now it's been 2 nites in a row we have talked and she hasn't got all defensive and withdrawn. I didnt present the questionnairs outright because its been awhile since shes talked w me about anything and I didnt want to scare her away again since she seems to be getting more comfortable talking. I simply asked her calmly what kind of things that I could do or say made her feel good or happy, in the past or now. I named some things from the questionnaire. I said since our family is togethter now why not do things to make us happy, I told her her feelings are very important to me and to let me know what I could do.

She said she didn't know and couldn't think of anything but that she would think about it. She also said she feels guilty about wanting to move out and that shes put this on me at a time when my mom is also dying from ALS. I told her I would feel the same way if I were her, but I can handle it, my main focus is our family and our relationship and her feelings.

I'm strong enough to handle my own feelings, I can separate my mom and our relationship problems and stay focused on moving forward and doing the right thing.

tunedin, I would let her know you will be devastated if she moves out. Acting so cavalier gives her the impression you don't care very much. Let her know you will do what it takes to resolve the marriage problems. She should feel guilty about breaking up a marriage. Don't protect her from that guilt.

Thanks, thats something i've struggled with. I have let her know how painful it is to me, but at the same time tried not to appear weak, which is kind of a hard balance because when it comes up I just want to cry, but I stay strong. Should I keep reenforcing how painful this is and that I want to resolve our marriage problems. Like every time we talk or just once in awhile to keep it in her head.

I totally agree with you about the guilt, she should feel guilty, but she has said our marriage counselor told her she shouldnt feel guilty about her feelings which I thought was confusing.

tunedin,

It is always good to have a goal.

My goal is much the same as others here. I want to have a healthy, loving and romantic marriage. That is the kind of statement you need to keep mentioning to your W. State your goal.

"I want to have a happy, healthy, loving, romantic marriage."
"You don't think we have that now".
"No. And it hurts. It makes me very sad.".

"I want to have a happy, healthy, loving, romantic marriage."
"I don't think that's possible.".
"The way we operate today you're correct. But that's because we have no plan. Marriage takes work and a plan for that to happen."

You have gotten alot of generic responses because your post is quite typical.
It can be boiled down to: My spouse isn't meeting my Emotional Needs and I don't like a marriage like that.

Posters point you to links within the website because solving that issue is what the Marriage Builders program/website is all about. The forum us to help you with ideas about how to apply those concepts, not to teach them to you. However it is all overwhelming at first so we will try to guide you.

As long time participants on this forum, we generally find 3 reasons for low sexual interest.

1) Affair (as has been discussed)
2) Lack of meeting of Emotional needs. She doesn't feel close to you or inimate enough with you to want to have sex...because you are not meeting her emotional needs. (see below)
3) Trauma of some sort She may not feel safe emotionally and this would be best dealt with slowly and with a therapist.

First thing...stop talking about wanting sex. That is a symptom of a problem. That is a goal.
That is NOT a good thing to dwell on or discuss at this point.

Talk about that you don't really want a separation, you want a marriage that you both enjoy. But don't talk too much at all at this point...you need action on YOUR part.

You have to create an environment in your marriage where she wants sex. She is most likely to want it when she is in a state of intimacy. Where she feels in love with you. Where she feels safe emotionally. Where she feels valued.

How to do that?

So, what can you do?

First of all, read about the states of mind in marriage.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html

The states are Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawal.

In Intimacy, you each want to meet each others needs.
In Conflict, you will let them meet your needs, but don't want to meet theirs.
In Withdrawal, neither of you want to meet each others needs.

I suspect you are both in withdrawal. You realize that something is amiss and want to do somethign about it. Yay! You have come to marriage builders. Read the above sections. Then read:

How One Spouse Can Lead the other Back to Intimacy


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3620_state.html

You get to be the leader because you are the one who has noticed the problem first.
You need to figure out her Emotional Needs.

Read about them here.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

What are here Needs? First concentrate on things that she complains about or has complained about in the past.
You never take the garbage out? Concentrate on Domestic Support.
I wish you would stop playing that video game? Concentrate on Conversation and Recreational Companionship.
You never appreciate what i do around her. Concentrate on Admiration.

Also stop doing things she doesn't like.
Read here about Love Busters.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

"You always do what you want!" Stop the Independent behavior.
"you never listen" Stop the disrespectful Jugdments.
"Quit yelling" Stop the Anger.


Once you have done all that, come back and tell us what your biggest Love Buster is and What her biggest Emotional Needs are based on what you have observed.


So back to the reasons:

If it is an Affair, then most likely she is in one because you are not meeting her needs.
If it is because lack of meeting her needs, then again, it is because you are not meeting her needs.
If it is trauma, then meeting her needs will get her to a place where she may be open to therapy.

I'm being totally honest when I say I've read and been trying to apply these things,I understand them and am totally on board with it.some of my love busters have been staying up to late on the weekends,pressing too much on what her needs are, and some of the odds and ends stuff around the house

I have asked her on numerous occasions in the past to tell me if theres somethings I do that bother her or make her mad,she would say nothing because she doesnt want to be a nagging wife, and I would say I want to do things for you that make you happy,and still get no response, as I've said before I go on any cues I get from her as to what she enjoys and meet her needs.

but so many times I feel like trying to meet her needs is a lovebuster, I can make her laugh, I compliment her(which she says makes her uncomfortable) she enjoys her work so I am engaged in her talks about work, tell her how much I appreciate her and what she does, take interest in her tv shows and stuff she enjoys, everything I have learned about her since the beginning.

I don't overdo anything to the point of smothering, I have my own interests also, I have told her many times how I want our family and marriage to be happy and fullfilling and to make eachother happy. I don't talk about sex hardly ever, only when it comes up in conversation, in the past when it would be 3 or 4 mnths with no physical intimacy I might ask is there anything I'm doing or could do for you to help make us feel closer, and wuould get the same response.

so I would go back to doing things I knew she enjoyed. I've read all the above material and have been trying to apply it. She seems to be in such a dark place and doesnt know how to get out,and her only option seems to be to leave, I can say she has had some childhood trauma and has been to counseling, though last week she didnt go because she said she just didnt have anything to talk about

I am truly attentive to her needs, I am, she is just unresponsive to almost everything. these last couple of nights shes actually talked a little about her feelings so I'm trying to be very careful in what I say and my reactions because she could easily fall right back into withdrawal.

I want to meet her needs and am trying the best I can, she has no interest in meeting mine or even accepting her own. There was one bright spot the other day when I was creating flyers for the business I"m trying to get up and running(and yes I have a job now and have had for 10 yrs) and she wanted to help so I said yeah thats awesome, shes really good at that kind of stuff, so we created the flier and it was a really nice time together.

@MrAlias.. I have had that conversation with her almost verbatim, and every time we talk I do repeat what I want to happen, thats usually when she withdrawals and wont talk. what she says most is "I don't know what I want, I just dont have any answers for you" or "I just cant tell you what you want to hear right now"

I'm sorry I'm confused.

When you state your goal of wanting a happy, healthy marriage her response is she doesn't know what she wants?

right, it confuses me too, I think most everyone wnts the same things in life, but she can't bring herself to want it with us.the only emotional needthat would prob be 1 or 2 on her list would be financial support. In the past she has said she likes nice things and I'm more simple, and I've said I like nice things too but we don't have alot of money right now. We both work full time and I am starting a small business right now on top of that to try and support that need.

Another thing that comes too mind is she told me about an exbf once that told her she was materialistic and if she wanted money she came to the wrong place, those things tell me financial support is prob high on her list, would you agree?

Is it possible to spend time together, like on a date? I mean, you don't have to call it that, but you may be able to think of recreational things to do. You should not include heavy relationship talk, but just have fun.

I am very sorry to hear about your mother. My grandfather died of the same disease. You probably have an awful lot on your mind at the moment. Although you may not notice it yourself, you are bound to have been different because of the stress. That alone can cause people to drift apart and sadly enough can also lead the other partner to be open to other people who meet their needs.

It can very well be that financial support is high on her list, but people who are in love usually want to have their intimate emotional needs met: affection, sexual fulfillment and intimate conversation.

Think about when you met, what did you do then? Which needs were you meeting that made you attractive to her?

she has told me what attracted her to me in the beginning was I was good looking,had a job, had my own house, she never got much more descriptive tan that. She's always held back ALOT about her feelings and although she's opened up to me at times,it's not very often. that is really the main thing that has led to my frustrations.

not sure if I mentioned it before, but she doesn't like much affection and intimacy, says its stupid and something I need but she doesnt.

If she's that way what attracted you to her?

because like i said, at times she has enjoyed those things,shes a ver smart,confidant,funny,beautiful person, its like shes trapped in herself and wont let herself feel the goodness of marriage and family and all that goes with it