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We POJA'd sex night and agreed to T,R,S
I am not enthusiastic about it but will give it a shot
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How many hours are you spending together this week?
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We POJA'd sex night and agreed to T,R,S
I am not enthusiastic about it but will give it a shot Well, are you enthusiastic about giving it a shot? Dr. Harley has said there is nothing wrong in trying something to see if it will work, as long as you can go back and re-negotiate if it doesn't work. AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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We POJA'd sex night and agreed to T,R,S
I am not enthusiastic about it but will give it a shot Isn't that an oxymoron? You POJA'd something but you're not enthusiastic? Anyway, something like SF is strange to have to POJA and that may be whats making you feel not-so-enthusiastic. Trying out your plan with agreement to revist it if it doesn't work for both of you is the right thing to do (IMO).
Last edited by Wow777; 04/04/13 10:02 AM.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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Wow,
I disagree. Lots of things about SF should be POJAed, the frequency, the situation, things each spouse would like/dislike.
When first starting to work MB plans, lots of things feel contrived, almost clinical. Writing out plans for the week, exactly what constitutes affection, what is intimate conversation, etc feels forced. Once the habits are in place, the program feels natural and there is less need to write everything down.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I didn't say that it shouldn't be, only that it feels strange to POJA SF. I grew up (sort of) in a world where sex was spontaneous. Trying to plan it feels strange to me. Now that I have kids, I HAVE to plan it. Still feels strange though.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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Wow,
I agree. It might feel strange to put SF on the schedule. But, I don't think it is any more strange than saying something along the lines of, "For affection, I would like you to kiss me everytime you leave and everytime you arrive".
We think lots of things should be spontaneous. But, if we aren't doing them, we need to put them into practice. Then they become habits. After that, it doesn't feel strange any longer.
This is a little on the periphery of FC's thread.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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We POJA'd sex night and agreed to T,R,S...I am not enthusiastic about it but will give it a shot
Little girl, my pity (for his situation) and admiration (for his perseverance) for your husband grows each time you post.
It can easily be foreseen exactly how satisfying this will be with your grudging acquiescence!
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Little girl, my pity (for his situation) and admiration (for his perseverance) for your husband grows each time you post.
It can easily be foreseen exactly how satisfying this will be with your grudging acquiescence!
[/quote]
Yes, I agree and feel the same way but I did say I would try
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I didn't say that it shouldn't be, only that it feels strange to POJA SF. I grew up (sort of) in a world where sex was spontaneous. Trying to plan it feels strange to me. Now that I have kids, I HAVE to plan it. Still feels strange though. It is alot more fun to schedule SF! It is like looking forward to a real hot date. You schedule it for a time when you are at your most energetic and since it is scheduled, you can make sure you look your best. The alternative is to HOPE you catch the other person in the right mood. And hope is not a plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How many hours are you spending together this week? We are still working on that and have managed about 10 or 11. I would love it if we could go to the YMCA. They have a daycare there where we could drop the kids off for a couple of hours. I would love it if we could work out together. I have mentioned it several times but he seems to be stalling. Not sure if what the deal is.
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[color:#FF0000]Well, are you enthusiastic about giving it a shot? Dr. Harley has said there is nothing wrong in trying something to see if it will work, as long as you can go back and re-negotiate if it doesn't work.
AM [/quote]
[/color]
AM,
I am enthusiatic about giving it a shot. As long as it can be negotiated if it doesn't work out.
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FC,
I have mentioned it several times but he seems to be stalling. Not sure if what the deal is.
Sexually charged environments, gyms, bars, beaches, etc will likely be triggers for him for some time. That he feels inferior to the OM in your estimation multiplies the effect. He also may feel that your seeing other more attractive men will weaken your already slim attraction to him by the contrast effect.
God Bless
Gamma
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FC,
One other point to keep in mind is that when men are cheated on they go to a really dark place and often have no one they can confide in or ask support from. They trusted only their wives for years and years and now that is gone. So they are completely lost and just don't know what to do hence his indecision.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 04/10/13 08:49 AM.
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Sexually charged environments, gyms, bars, beaches, etc will likely be triggers for him for some time. That he feels inferior to the OM in your estimation multiplies the effect. He also may feel that your seeing other more attractive men will weaken your already slim attraction to him by the contrast effect.
God Bless
Gamma [/quote]
Hadn't thought about either of those things. Guess we will have to come up with other ways to get our 15hrs in. We just joined the Y. It seems a shame not to use the free babysitting
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Hadn't thought about either of those things. Guess we will have to come up with other ways to get our 15hrs in. We just joined the Y. It seems a shame not to use the free babysitting Continue to keep asking him. Don't assume it is a trigger. I only say this because Dr H has always said one of the best things for a couple to do together is exercise.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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If it is a trigger you can always brainstorm ideas on how you'd still workout together but avoid the triggers for him. Example: Go when there are hardly any other YMCA'ers there.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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FC,
Here is how the conversation would go in our household:
Me: How would you feel about exercising at the YMCA's gym on X days at X time?
H: That sounds great OR I don't really think I want to go there. How about going on hikes instead?
Me: Well, I would like to hike if the paths are dry and not too steep OR I don't really want to do that.
Take a look at the POJA again and how to negotiate. If one of you is not enthusiastic, then keep brainstorming and going until you find a mutually satisfying solution.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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FC,
It may be as simple as assuring your BH you will not wear tight clothing or engage in friendly/chatty conversation with people at the gym.
This is a sacrifice in some ways compared to how you used to live, but it's sorta like going through a mud puddle it gets on everything.
God Bless
Gamma
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I would love it if we could go to the YMCA. And here is your exact opening line for a PoJA conversation! Also; most YMCAs have kids programs on Friday and Saturday nights. Sounds like an opportunity for some Husband and Wife time to me!
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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