what in the world have I done...
This couldnt of been the best thing to do...
more to follow

what I sent:

Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of XXXXX and I. As some of you know, XXXXX has recently asked me for a separation, and more recently filed for a divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a person (XXXXX, one of her XXXXXXXX). This is the same person who she previously had an affair with about ten years ago to date. Go to her Facebook XXXXXXXXXX and see who �likes� her profile pic. Or go to Google chrome, look at her circle of friends, and you can see him there too. She left her family� for that�

I kept their first affair a secret from everyone except our pastor for over ten years, as I wanted to save her any embarrassment. I am refusing to keep quite this time. My family is at stake, my children�s futures are at stake, and my marriage is not going to be lost to a scum bag promising pots of gold at the end of every rainbow.

In XXXXX's own words from ten years ago; I couldn�t even see what I was doing, it was like I had tunnel vision and he really screwed me over. I Guess hes got her under the same spell again.

The purpose of XXXXXX's sudden wish for me to move out, and more recently her moving out, is not based on anything other than her being able to carry on her affair without my interference. Even after my discovery about this 2nd affair, about 6 months ago, I still never asked her to leave our home. I was extremely upset, but never asked her to leave and never asked her for a divorce.
She refuses to end this current affair. She even refuses to acknowledge �it� as an affair. I want our marriage to recover from this mess and see our children raised by both parents, in one home. If you have any influence on XXXXX, please do what you can to get her to stop this unbelievable affair. At this moment, after everything I have discovered, and as painful as it has been, I still value this marriage. I wish to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with XXXXX to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage and the wellbeing of our family�s future.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Sincerely, XXXXXXXXXX

Her reply:

XXXXX,
I have been trying to figure out why you would send out the email you sent to my family and friends. I have been trying to rack my brain around why you would bring them into our marital problems. Why would you put our family and friends in this situation of awkward and uncomfortableness while reading that email. Your behavior makes no sense. It is completely unacceptable! It was selfish on your part putting me and them is such a situation to appease your sense of entitlement to feel like you needed to let people know that this is all on me. Somehow you forgot again just like last time how we got to this terrible spot. Once again you blame it all on me instead of taking any responsibility for your actions.

Let me tell you something you stooped to a new low that I never thought you could go to. This will completely change how I am able to interact with you now and in the future.

I have checked with law enforcement and they have advised me that you are showing signs of erratic behavior and I may want to pursue a restraining order. I have never wanted to go down that road, but for you to have the mind set to send out something like that, and follow me around with the kids in the car making crazy phone calls while they can hear you (my note: THIS NEVER HAPPEND, chance occurance led us to the same resturant where they happend to be). Not to mention the behavior you had when I came back it makes me think maybe I do need to go to that kind of extreme. (my note: when she came back. after being gone for two days... I told her how I felt about her and what she was doing. I held nothing back, not very Christian like, but I was upset)

I am not sure how you thought that the email you sent would somehow win me back it did quite the opposite! If you really loved and cared for me you would not have sent that out. I am shocked at the people you actually sent it to that you have not really ever even spoken to or are even friends with (my note: they are all mutual friends, some distant but we know each other). I really think you need help and you need to talk to someone.

I am not in a fantasy and did not give up my family for a fantasy. What I did was get my kids out of a bad situation. What I did was stop the cycle of my kids growing up with an alcoholic father and turning out to be just like him (my note: I did drink a lot, maybe some of it was becuase of the pain i held in over the years. but thats not an excuse. I have asked her to forgive me of that problem, and been done since Nov 2012). What I did was stop the insanity of the lifestyle I lead day in and day out doing everything myself with no help or love or respect. What I did was give my kids a different future that would be positive, loving and encouraging. What I did not do was continue to let you treat me like the crap on your shoe that you would only pay attention to when it got in your way. Own up to the way you treated me and your kids and realize it was from your actions all this came to pass. Had you been there for me (ever) and the kids when you should have been and been the spiritual leader of our family our lives would all be very very different right now.

No matter how many times over the years I talked to you about the things that were making me unhappy and watched you blow it off and go get drunk and not care you still did not get it till you pushed me too far and I was done. Then you thought oh well maybe I should change she is really mad. So lets be sober and go back to church. Well I tried to refrain from saying this but TOO LATE TOO LITTLE! I am done being your punching bag. I am done explaining to my kids why daddy does not wake up, why daddy didnt come home with us, why they cant have some of daddys drink, why daddy is not tucking them in at night, why daddy is not reading them the book, why daddy is in the garage while we are eating dinner, why daddy didnt come with us when we would go places, why daddy could care less about the financial situation of his family and bought unnecessary things (my note: we have no finacial hardships, till she moved out).

I truly hope you are happy with that email. The response I have been getting is not good for you, they are appauled you would put such a thing out there, most of them have a new understanding of what I really went thru based on the type of person that would email something like that out. You have absolutely embarrassed yourself here Brent. Proof positive why we do not work anymore. What a disfunctional relationship for our children to grow up seeing. I have never and will never stoop to your level.

If you wanted to be sure I would have no respect for you ever you accomplished that. We will talk when necessary regarding kids and that is it. If you pull something crazy like that again I will get a restraining order and that will make life a whole lot more difficult for both of us. I do not trust that you are in the right frame of mind right now.

You lost me xxxxxxx because of how you treated me and for no other reason! I was not stolen away by another man. You did this! If you wanted me so bad you should have acted like it and treated me right. I am going to teach our sons to be better men than that and show a woman love and respect, I will teach XXXXX daughter what type of men to avoid so she does not walk in my footsteps of pain.

I hope we are clear on this matter. I will not discuss it again. Our marriage is over. I will pray for you that you will come to accept that and be a good father. I will pray you will stay sober so our children will be able to have a father that they can spend time with.

Do not ever include our friends or family in something that crazy again, you made them all feel uncomfortable and made your self look ridiculous.

Nicely done, down! I read your WW's response to your exposure...sort of. After a few sentences it was kind of "blah blah blah" wayward-speak, which you can expect after exposure.

I'm curious, though - have you posted your story here? I don't think I've read it. If you haven't, please do so. We'll need to read about that in order to help you.

Who is the OM? Do they work together?

I don�t know all the acronyms so bear with me. We have been married for 15 years. First affair happened 5 years in. I told her not to leave and that we should work things out. Never went to counseling but did talk to our pastor. Maybe I never really forgave her, certainly was always in the back of my mind. Used alcohol as self-serving therapy for some time. When I thought about it, I drank. I need to be clear here, not the angry throw things, get in your face or threating. Simply wanted to forget what happened. Not the right thing to do, and yes she does have some ground to stand on when she says I didn�t love her the way I should of. Fast fwd 3 kids later. This same person came to her office and requested a business transaction, which started the ball rolling on the second affair. This I about the same time she started telling all her friends, our neighbors and everyone else that she wants a divorce because I�m an alcoholic. Well I�m sorry, I might of drank too much at times, but certainly don�t consider myself to be that. I have had 5 promotions at work in the last nine years, never been in trouble with the law, and stopped cold turkey November 1st. The day she said how much it bothered her. Still it�s held over my head. At least I guarded my heart over the past 15 years. That�s about all I care to write about right now.

why do you think you've done the wrong thing? you're WWs response is exactly what you should expect! i also didn't read the whole thing, because it IS just waaaaaaaaambulance!

"well, i certainly can't take you back NOW"
"YOU are so selfish!"
"EVERYBODY thinks you're the one who's xxx"

all very typical stuff. you didn't even need to post it, frankly, the fact that you got such a lengthy response only means one thing: your arrow hit home.

now all you need to do is sit back and let the exposure go to work. remember, stick AND carrot. you are in plan a?

I think your exposure is awesome! Did you also expose to the OM's family and friends?

Are you doing something about your drinking problem?

The nastier the wayward response...........

the better a job of exposing.

Exposing is important for any chance of recovery in the future.

Do not let the venom and scare tactics force you to change course and DO not respond to comments about how you seem eratic, etc.

She is pissed you exposed HER secret.

Just breathe. When she comments about it, threatens you with anything, etc.

Breathe.

Where are the children?

Just now from the in-law:

XXXXX,
It is with much disappointment and sadness that I write this email. I have felt bad about the situation between you and XXXXX for quite some time, but I have tried to stay out of it (even at times staying neutral). I have always treated you with utmost respect even when I didn't agree with the way you were treating my daughter. I would come once a month and be with your children, clean house, cook dinners and even do your laundry. But now, I feel you have crossed the line. I am so disappointed that you have chosen to disgrace and deface my daughter publicly in a way that could never be retracted.

You have indicated your deep love for her which I haven't heard from you very often until recently while faced with the separation and divorce. I wish that your love would have been displayed during all the years of your married life in the way a husband should treat his wife and children. I've seen the hurt XXXXX has experienced for so many years by not stepping up to the plate and being the spiritual leader you needed to be for your family. I've seen how she fixed dinners and you have just gone straight to the garage not choosing to be with her or the family to even take a few minutes to eat together (my note: she makes no mention of how I would have dinner waiting and kids bathed, every monday, wednesday and friday, before WS came home from work). I've seen where you haven't helped with the discipline or raising of the children as far as being loving and putting them to bed at night and reading to them and being a 24-7 father. (my note: now this is just a load of junk! They are my world!). You've left so much of the entire household and the raising of the kids to XXXXX to manage on her own while trying to run a business even when she was battling health issues. (my note: again simply not true)

Your "plea" to get XXXXX back through exploiting her to all your friends and family through Facebook was the lowest thing you could have ever done. She may have made some wrong choices in life (as we all do) but what you have accused her of is not entirely true (my note: ummm yes it is, I have pictures, audio, seen them together how many times) and has now disgraced her character in a way that can never be repaired - is that "love"? As a mother, I am so angry that you can put the blame entirely on WS for destroying your marriage with what she put up with her entire married life with the choices you made. If you think this "plea" to all your friends and family to talk some sense into her will work, you are going to be extremely disappointed. You have lost ALL chances of ever getting WS to return to you and love you after how you have exploited her.

According to I Corinthians 13:4: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." If you say that you love XXXXX, love is forgiveness and you should have forgiven her long ago without dredging up the past all these years and throwing it back in her face. Love does not seek revenge. Is exploiting WS on Facebook a description of what "love" is? Really, BS, what did you think you would gain by doing this?

The best you can hope for now is to be the best father you can be to your children. She has had to answer many questions from (our son) and I have heard her on some of those answers. Not one time did she put you down or ever say anything bad about you to him or the other kids (my note: nor have I). She told me that she will not do that. Yet, you have totally destroyed her in front of all yours and her friends and family (my note: as WS did to me for the past 6 months, only that she did it in person). Has she told some people that you had a drinking problem, yes, but she didn't email blast everyone about it. How do you think this will ever make her love you again after what she has been through with you? This hurts me so much as a mother to have my daughter destroyed this way. If you want the truth of what has happened and how it came about, you should have asked WS (my note: I did she refused to answer). Assuming something and putting it in print is defamation of character and is very wrong.

I'm sorry things ended up the way they did, but there is no way WS can return to someone who has not treated her with love and respect. It is time you accept some responsibility for the destruction of this marriage and at least own up to your own choices and behavior.

I will continue to pray for you and your future. I am sorry it has come to this. I feel you have hurt our family through this and it will take some time to mend. I will forgive you because I need to. Try to move beyond all this and focus on being a good spiritual father to your children without bad mouthing their mother. Please do not do any more destruction to my daughter. What's done is done - just don't do anymore!

yes, I have taken care of the drinking, since November. Its a mute issue now. no desire for it, maybe thats becuase shes out of my home. Never felt better, with exception to the gut wrenching effect of handing my children over to her every few days...
Children are in joint custody, 5,2,2,5 plan.

I dont agree, I think I may of over done this...
This just seems like its given WS and mother-in law more ammo against me...

In your reply to MIL's weep-o-gram, ask her where in her Bible does it support the idea of multiple adulteries (She DOES know about the first, yes?).

And you might also point to her one of the Spiritual Works of Mercy - my personal favorite - "Admonish the Sinners", best explained here. The best Scriptural citation is probably James 5:19-20, as follows:

My brothers and sisters, if anyone among you wanders from
the truth and is brought back by another, you should know
that whoever brings back a sinner from wandering will save
the sinner�s soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

You have not overdone this. Did you do this to get the 100% approval of everyone or did you do this to save your marriage? Because if you did it for the former reason, you will be unsatisfied no matter what. Many of the people to whom you expose will not approve of your exposure. That is an expectation. You cannot realistically expect everyone to support you in saving your marriage.

I would write your MIL back and tell her you agree and admit that you have made many mistakes in your marriage. You stopped drinking in November of 2012 and have taken a serious approach to repairing your marriage. Tell her you had hoped to get her support in persuading her D to end her destructive affair. You are hoping that someone can get through to her.

Tell her affairs thrive on secrecy and that is why you are letting every one know. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

Dear MIL, thank you for your email. I am sorry I have offended you with my tactics. I really need your help and I hope for the sake of our kids, you will support our marriage. Please understand that I love your daughter very much and want to save our marriage. I know that affairs thrive on secrecy and I have made the mistake of keeping her previous affairs secret. I won't make that mistake again. The Bible is very clear that evil should be exposed:

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." ( John 3:19-21)

I know that you believe this is not true, so I have attached the evidence of her affair. [send her the evidence!] I wanted to avoid doing this, but you deserve to know the truth.

I love my wife and I am hoping that by bringing her affair out into the open, that someone will get through to her. That someone who cares about her will persuade her to end this destructive path. I am trying to save my family and need your help.

You are absolutely right that I have made many mistakes in this marriage. I am doing my best to turn that around. I stopped drinking in November 2012 and have worked hard to be a better husband and father.

I hope you will support our marriage for the sake of our children, if not for me. I know you love your grandchildren and they will be devastated if their mother leaves to pursue this affair.

All of my love, downnout

Your wife is denying it so you need to send your MIL the evidence. I just changed my letter above to include that comment.

downout,

Now you need to massively expose the OM, the reaction you've created shows that your exposure is working, press the exposure home on the OM/OMs?

Ruined your WWs name, no WW ruined her own name by cheating.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma is right. Don't let anyone tell you that you ruined your wife's rep. If they do say,

"oh no, she did that all on her own by having an affair!"

Only if you think it's smarter to be a total wuss and lose your marriage. Do you want to save your marriage? You are on the right track. Don't listen to your WW and her mother right now. They have no clue about saving marriages. We do.