She will, no doubt, spin the story to them in a fashion that makes her look good and also leads them to believe it is ok to commit adultery as long a spouse is "separated." What your children don't know is that their family was broken up so that she could pursue an affair with the OM. They don't know that she did that to them and that the OM is their enemy.

If left to her devices, the story will be spun like this: "your dad made me so miserable that I had to leave and get my own place. Since I have been gone I have met a new friend."

Your kids need to know that she left you to pursue an affair with OM. Otherwise, they will not know the truth and will be introduced to the OM. They are also being taught that it is ok to commit adultery as long as one is separated. I would explain the full truth to them and encourage them to ask their mother direct questions. They know something is going on and desperately need the facts along with your moral guidance. [something they won't get from a "counselor"]

And I would strongly advise you to get a legal custody agreement that commands her to never take your children around her adultery partners. Your children are being exposed to unfit adults.

nothing in seperation agreement of this. never even entered my mind...

Did you read my comments about telling them the full truth?

yes, I am going to jot it down an discuss with them, so i can remeber exactly what i want to tell them, the next time they are at my house.

feel free to ghost write for me...

Tell them the basic facts, that their mother is having an affair with JoeXXX and that is why she left and wants a divorce. She left so that she could pursue her affair with OM.

Explain to them that when a man and woman are married they are not supposed to have boyfriends. That is called adultery and it is wrong.

Tell them that OM is an enemy of their family and helped break up your marriage. He is a bad man. Any man that dates a married woman is bad.

Tell them how devastated you are about their mothers affair but that you love them and will always be there for them. Encourage them to talk to you about anything that bothers them. They can come to you with any questions or concerns.

It kills me to say this to you, but you also need to tell them they have to protect their little sister when they are at their mothers. Tell them to call you if they ever see any of their mother's boyfriends around their sister. As much as it kills you to say this, you are going to have to say it because your little girl is at risk. THIS is why [one of the main reasons] we are telling you to get it put in your custody agreement that your children not be exposed to her OM.

p.s. I would also run a background check on the OM to see if he has a criminal record. We have other betrayed husbands here who are dealing with OM with criminal backgrounds. Tranquildark and JediKnight are just some of the most recent. The OM in TD's situation raped his own daughter and I believe the OM in Jedi's case beat up one of his own children. Sexual predators and violent felons often seek out single women with children.

Now you see this is serious stuff.

Stuff you need to step up to the plate and deal with.

No faking that things are okay in the family anymore.

Be the rock the kids can lean on and be the man who tried his very best to save a marriage.

In the end, whether it recovers or not........be that man who is able to say "I did my very best to preserve our family unit for us all."

A child as young a 4 yo can understanf that mom's and dad's do not have boy friends/girl friends and go on dates with them when they are married. Doing that is wrong that's why it is called cheating.

Why no more mention of exposing the OM? OM side needs to be exposed ASAP.

Down, you're starting to hit the right notes, but you still stopped short of telling the kids the whole truth. Explain to your kids that this man is not a friend! Tell them that this man is the reason your mother has left you and them!

And you want her to use 'discretion'??? Down, you should be furious with her! HOW DARE SHE ALLOW A SITUATION TO EXIST WHERE THE CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED TO THIS DISGUSTING BEHAVIOR OF HERS! Use discretion???

You need to let her know that your children are NOT to be exposed to her sinful, rutting behavior! If she can't get out of heat long enough to get OM's [censored] out of the house in the morning when she knows the kids will be coming, you shouldn't be taking the kids there at all. ICK!

If you have not started one yet......begin a hand written journal of notes about
what is occurring.

Factual. Do not put emotional judgements down in writing.

Use a notebook that is bound or spiral bound so that a judge can see that it is not added to after the fact.

Date the page and write the note down
for instance...

3/22
Meet son at baseball game. He tells me he met mom's friend that morning at her house when I dropped kids off at Time:00.
Baseball game from time:00-time:00 , team wins, kids and I go out for supper and later play Candyland.


keep this journal for future reference for your own recollections and possible evidence in child custody should you ever need it.

Down,

You are doing great! This is coming from a FWW. My story short and sweet is that I had an affair very early on my my marriage. Like you, my H kept it quiet except for very close family. He also never truly dealt with it and this led to a lot of built up pain and resentment in our marriage.

Still, our marriage was affair free for 13 years. Once again however I let my boundaries down and used faults in my marriage to justify another affair...just like your WW is doing now.

Without even knowing about MB, both my H and my APs wife exposed us to family, friends, and the school we both worked at.

I was so angry and like your wife thought my H was wrong in letting others know, it was not their business and he was just trying to make me look bad.

As far as telling your kids, this is a must. Unfortunately, my son found out because he was in the car when my H found out. We however tried to shield our daughter and originality we were not going to tell her. She however knew something was wrong and although the truth hurt her, it was better than keeping her in the dark. I visibly saw this.

One other thing that I thought of as I read over your stitch. Any time your wife tries to throw the blame of her decisions on you

1. Kindly apologize for not being the Husband she needed but assure her that you are working on cleaning up your side of the street.

2. Remind her that you are still married and regardless of your past mistakes, she is the one who chose to deal with them by having an affair.

3. Explain to her that you did not expose her to make her look like the bad person but instead you did this to try to save your marriage and get her to see the damage that her affair is causing both you and your family.


I know it feels wrong but as many have said, waywards thrive on secrecy and love to blame others for their choices. They are foggy and will take any and all of your misgivings and throw them back in your face to make their affair seem more justified.

I do hope your wife comes out of her fog. Right now however all you can do is follow MB to try to save your marriage and continue cleaning up your side. Either way, you will come out a better stronger man. One who will have a stronger marriage in the future...with or without your wife (hopefully with)

I don�t want her back in my life anymore� I held on, and hoped that we could become a family unit again, but I just don�t want that anymore. She is sick, I tried to help. After finding out about 2 other Men today I am done. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired� I don�t care what she does anymore, as long as my children are ok when they are with her...
Thanks for everyone�s support.

Down,
You can still recover personally and you can be a great dad to your kids through this. There are several dads on here who are doing just that and might be a great help and encouragement to you.

You did everything right, Down. Exposure took a lot of guts and you did a great job. You can hold your head high--be sure of that .

I'm sorry about this.

what could I do to prevent these men from interacting with my chilren? 7, 5 and 2... last thing I want is some man being around my kids, she couldnt know these people well enough. If she does, I guess that tells me more about what was going on in my marriage.

I have a 10, 8 and 6 year old. And my wife's affair parter had a dangerous criminal past.
There wasn't much I was able to do legally to keep him away.
I had to file for divorce and custody to keep him away.

You should run criminal background checks on these men.

I don't know how ok g your plan A was but you have the right to end it. However, you are on a rollercoaster and maybe feel that way today and another next week. You need to set an end goal and work towards that. If you flip-flop after making declarations your health could take a toll. If you are truly done set yourself up for that, I am sorry that your marriage is coming to an end. Don't stop posting though the forums are a good place for self recovery!

First, her thoughts on what I have told my sons are completely inaccurate� I said to them exactly what I posted above. I am tired of WW putting me down at every turn, to build herself up.
I aksed about when the taxes will be ready and received the following from WW:

She should have them to me end of this week.

On a separate note I wanted to talk to you about Saturday. Our son had a lot of questions for me after you took him off the field to ask him questions. It started as a really good talk between (son) and I, but he was confused and sad about what you were saying to him. Please remember their ages. I learned in that parenting class that you should not confuse the children with things that are beyond their age. You should not ask them questions about what they did with the other parent because it makes them feel like they are put in the middle. Children their age may even lie to say what they think you want to hear since ultimately they want to make both parents happy. I could not figure out the text you sent me. After you email my mother it made sense. (son) did make up the lie about riding in a silver mustang. Not sure if he thought you would think that was cool or what. He told me he made it up and didnt know why just that daddy was talking about a lot of stuff.

BS please do not do that to them anymore. You are confusing them. You are making them feel sad and bad when we do not need to add to that right now. They need to feel they can openly talk to us when they want to and about what they want. They need to not feel questioned. If you have questions ask me not your 7 yr old son.

In that class (mandatory parenting class) I learned they will say just about anything to either parent so they dont hurt their feelings or make them sad true or not.

I know you are mad right now, but I would think you should know they are my #1 priority and I would never, not ever, put them in danger or in harm. I would never let them ride in another persons car. So lets chill a bit with all the crazy crap that has happened the last week and speak as adults. If you have questions ask me not them.

Dont put them in the middle like that or bad mouth me it just hurts them more. (my note: I never bad mouth their mother, matter of fact I clam up when they ask about whats going on). I thought we were on the same page with this. I do not question them repeatedly after they have been with you cause the few times I have asked what did you do with Daddy they said nothing and seemed to want to change the subject, so I just leave it alone unless they bring something up and tell me about what they did. (my note: thanks for the dig WW, basically saying the kids don�t wish to talk about me� at least that�s the way I perceive her last sentence).

See you at practice tonight.

Fog Babble

yes Tranq, I feel that I am done. I dont know who this person is anymore. 20 years with WW, never in her right mind would she be this way. I am really hurt to see how lost she really is... Part of me still has hope, maybe its just fear of starting a new chapter in my life... I could use some help with those issues.

I have not replied to her mails, do I even spend the energy to do so?