Hello everyone, long story and Ill try and make it short. I'm 29 and my wife is 27, married in 2009 and dating since 2001. We have a 23 month old little boy who we both of course love to death. In about 2005 we moved into an apartment together and I started feeling I was getting no attention. No compliments or things like that. I explained how I felt to her and she gave me attention for a week. I started instant messaging girls and received compliments. From there I think I got a high of sort receiving these compliments. I never had any intention of meeting this girl but would say I had interest in meeting just to string them along. We married in 2009 and in 2009 I started receiving compliments from a girl at work. Again never had intentions of doing anything physical just felt nice receiving compliments. Wife found both of them. And I kind of just brushed them aside. Well in November of 2011 i again started IMing a girl from another state and started saying you know stuff like wow id marry you and what not. No intentions of marrying or meeting just stringing her along so I could get compliments. Well , wife found it and confronted me. I hadn't realized it but I needed help. I went to the guy I could always count on. A very faithful religious man as well. My dad. He lectured me and told me how stupid I was and I was failing god and you know. Ever since then I was determined to never let it happen again. And it never did, never even had cravings. I was happy and going on with my marriage. This was 20 months ago. Well two weeks ago my wife woke up and said she hasn't trusted me since and wants out. She doesn't love me like that anymore and can't live in a world of fear. I talked her into counseling and we went to one session together and one separate. Now she wants me out of the house(I've been in the spare bedroom) as we continue counseling because she said she needs her space and to see if she misses me. I haven't been giving her space really and I know I need to its just hard. Anything I can do to help me save this marriage. I know I have faulted in the past but when I talked to my father my mind was cleared and I felt my addiction was cured as well. Please help

Welcome to MB.

What boundaries have you put in place to make your BW feel safe? What extraordinary precautions have you given your BW.

Tell your father thank you for talking straight to and not enabling you. Refreshing.

Please read.
Recovery After an Affair

I haven't really given any. I have no computer , I give her all access to my phone but that's really about it. We meet with the counselor Tuesday and that's when she is suggesting I move out to give her time .

This happened 20 months after your last affair that she woke up and wants out?

Did you answer ALL her questions?

Have you snooped to see of she is having an affair?

She says it was just boiling for the last twenty months and was afraid to say anything. I first thought affair as well so I looked thru her cell phone and her Facebook and found nothing I've looked thru cell records and seen no red flags also.

Are you committing any love busters?

Have you asked her what she needs from you to feel safe?

Will she come here so we may help her?

Were any of your OW married?

Do you watch porn?

Not that I know of I'm not committing any love busters, I have not asked her and I'm not sure if she would look on here at all. Is there any easy way of getting her on here? One of the other women was married, and no I do not watch porn at all.

Any other help, it's so hard to sleep and my heart just feels wrecked. The first week was tough to eat but that part is getting easier. I miss her so much and love her so much as well. I keep trying not to completely blame myself but its hard not to.

What are your wife's TOP 3 intimate emotional needs?
PS:
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Definitely honesty and openness, family commitment , and domestic support

Good job!

And (historically) what are your 3 most egregious love-busters?

Independent behavior, dishonesty, and I would say a small lean towards disrespectful judgements and annoying habits.

Ti, do you and your wife spend much time together? Or do you go your separate ways much of the time?

Is there time for her to conduct an affair? Would she rather spend time with you?

I would read up on EPs here and offer them to her. If there is no affair, then all she needs is reassurance of EPs. Offer her a polygraph too. Say you will resit in the future whenever she doubts you. Give her the whole nine yards. You can rebuild this.

Have you commited the cardinal wayward husband sin of asking her to 'just trust' you without proof? If so, this will have unnerved her greatly because its impossible.

I guess am I just stuck moving out, continuing the counseling and hope she has a change of heart?

Indie thanks for the reply! On our days off we were actually still spending time together. Went to zoo, a movie, took son on a walk etc. I mean I guess I have committed that since cause I tell her she can trust me, but she always says I have heard that before.

Ti, people who are never apart, who spend their time at home giving undivided attention instead of sitting at a screen online and are meeting ALL of each others ENs don't have time for an A.

Have you offered her that? What ways of being accountable have you offered her? Polygraph? Can she view your phone bills? Would you share a phone? Would you eliminate internet? Give her a password or have internet monitoring?

What ways can you show her your world is an open book? One she can see at any time?

THINK, man.

It's positive action, gumption, and transparency that will save your marriage. Counselling frequently kills it. Would you believe in you again if you were doing nothing differently but counselling?

Nope I would not. Should I cancel my cell phone , cancel my Internet, and ask if she wants polygraphs? I'm open to anything to try and save this marriage, anything. The problem with cancelling the cell phone would be now that we separate on Tuesday we need to communicate for the sake of our child

How do I even approach her on this stuff? She gets mad if I talk about it and says she will not talk about it unless in front of a counselor. She says it's just driving her further away if I do talk about it.

Start with meeting her ENs then. Her lovebank is low. Once she starts feeling more she will open up to more discussion. Court her just exactly as you did in the beginning. Do not lovebust at any cost! You can't afford it.

Snoop continually for the possibility she's in an A, too. She is very vulnerable to the type of vultures who like to prey on betrayed women. As someone whose been a bit of a predator yourself (no offense) I'm sure you understand why she's a sitting duck right now.

But as the father of her child you have something no one else can offer.

Be protective, and keep your eyes peeled. Then basically be the nicest most dependable guy on earth for as long as it takes.