ok need some serious help, my w had another appt w the counselor tonight and she pretty much said what I already know, she has disconnected from me all of my attempts at filling my wifes needs are futile, what you said would happen Melody is beginning to happen, my w said the counselor told her if she were to divorce that I am the type of guy that would be happy to see her happy.

I said I dont like that word and don't see that as a good option right now because you promised me when we were married that we would try to make it through any tough times we might encounter, and I feel betrayed that you would consider that as an acceptable outcome.

I am going to show the counselor the resolving conflicts article as I have an appt next week, I'm not sure how to get my wife on board with dropping this counselor so any help would be appreciated, unless I can somehow get the counselor to go along.

I described the love bank concept to my w also and she said she agreed that it makes sense, she just cant accept my love. we talked for quite awhile and I described my feelings in detail about how our family,marriage,children,her needs and feelings are very important to me.

I asked her how she felt after our talk and she said distant, I asked her why and she said she felt our feelings are diff, so I said you never once said you dont believe in family and love and caring for eachother the only diff I see is that you dont seem to care much about hurting me and our family, of course she got defensive and said she couldnt talk anymore, she just needed to process the info.

I did go to her work today with no results,everything seemed normal, but I am putting a var in the car tommorrow.

However, she won't be happy divorced. Divorced women are the most unhappy people. So tell her you won't cooperate with any divorce. What you will do is turn the marriage around so you can be both be happy. Tell her you have a PLAN to do this.

Explain to her that the IC has no idea how to save a marriage so the only thing she knows HOW to do is facilitate a divorce.


You are probably going to end up divorced, I am sad to say. The idea of divorce has been validated by a counselor so now your wife believes it.

You should tell your wife over and over again that you won't cooperate with a divorce, but you will cooperate with making your marriage a happy place. Be sure and tell her you won't be her "friend" if you do end up divorced. [I am can't even express to you how important it is for you to say this - this will give her second thoughts]



She means she WON'T. And unfortunately, the IC has no idea to create romantic love. So of course, she can''t sell something she doesn't understand herself.


Perfect! I would also strongly consider getting counseling with the Harleys. It costs about $200 a session but they won't waste a minute of your time. They will get to work on selling your wife on a PLAN to restore the love in your marriage.

If you can't swing that, I would write an email to Dr Harley TONIGHT and tell him your wife is getting bum advice from a "counselor" to get divorced. Ask him what you should do. He will answer your question on the radio and you can play it back to your wife. It would be good if you and your wife could go on the radio show and speak to Dr Harley.

Write the email TONIGHT. Here is the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

"No, I will not be happy divorced. Our children will not be happy coming from a broken home. I will not be happy about having my life destroyed and imagining that any sane person would be "happy" having their life wrecked is delusional and unrealistic. I would be happy if we transformed our marriage."

Thank you,I will do everything yousaid,btw I did tellher I cannot go along w a divorce when she told me that, I said that is just killing the marriage and I cant support that idea.

Good for you tunedin. Push for what you want. Your W is in some kind of goofy fog and you need to be the leader in facilitating a happy M.

Have you mentioned this already ?? Would your W be opening to reading or listening to some of Dr. Harley's philosophies? It's quite possible the vets here could find some very pertinent links for you that you could present to her ... no pressure of course.

I just wonder if she heard the thoughts of another professional besides this yutz who's trying to destroy your marriage if she'd maybe open up to trying other things ... namely MB.

I dont know if this will help develop any plan or not but after alot of thinking I believe I understand why alot of this is happening and I am going to tell the counselor this too. As I have stated beffore my w has had some abuse issues growing up from age 2-3 to 7-8 and then again in her teen years from her stepfather. Her sf and mother moved close to us about a yr ago and thats when our issues really ramped up, I have come to know that her sf was very controlling, manipulative, and basically a jerk her mother would hide purchases and things from him out of fear, my wife has done the same things.

and she has always been fearfull of my judgement and says she felt a wife was supposed to serve her husband. she said the happiest time in her life was when she moved from home and got her own place,her mom has proceeded w divorce from her sf about the same time we started having problems, she told me last night she was mad at her mom for not divorcing an abusive man she didnt love. It feels as though my wife has projected this man onto me even though I am nothing like him, accept for being affectionate, she says cuddling and stuff like that she relates to bad things.

I believe her mom moving close to us, our daughter approaching the age my wife was abused have triggered alot of negative feelings ontop of the fact she has sacrificed her own feelings to show me affection in the past, and created this perception of husband as her sf for that is her idea of marriage. somehow she has to be able to separate me from the bad crap, and if she can't do that we will obviously be divorced, it is no wonder she is not in love and closed off to me, no matter how kind I am. I am her idea of a husband. she has also told me that every relationship she has ever been in has ended the same, once it gets past the initial lust and newness and gets to that deeper commted level, she cuts and runs.

we probably could have made it longer had her mom not moved across the country to be closer to us, but there would still be underlying issues, if she does continue to see this counselor I am going to ask the counselor if she could please just work on my wifes issues seperate from our relationship, the two hand in hand is killing my wifes happiness and our marriage.

I would work on persuading your wife that discussing her childhood is a waste of time. That will only make the problem WORSE because it is a distraction from pressing problems. By the time she goes to "counseling" and wastes her time yapping about her childhood, your marriage will be destroyed.

This is why I suggested you need to write Dr HArley NOW, because he is a clinical psychologist who might be able to counsel your wife away from taking this destructive path. IT COSTS NOTHING TO GET ADVICE FROM DR HARLEY ON HIS RADIO SHOW!

The problem IS NOT your wife's childhood. Your wife has a MARRIAGE PROBLEM. So, don't even bring up the childhood other than to persuade your wife to drop this nonsense.

And I would stay away from this "counselor." This counselor is going to wreck your lives.

tunedin,

I really think the counselors here at MB would make a HUGE difference for you and your W. Behaviors can change. The counselors will help you and your W work together to make that happen.

The beauty of it is they will do it in a way where you and her work together as a team to negotiate how you'll proceed. Your W can feel safe knowing she'll have a right to veto what she isn't comfortable with.

Oh my Yes tuned I really see there is hope for you and her. You just need to dump this divorce facilitator and get in with someone who is going to help you two move forward. YOU ARE NOT HER SF and she needs to learn how to work with you instead of making you into the bad guy you aren�t.

How you approach her with MB counseling I�m not quite certain. It may behoove you to speak with one of the counselors first and they�ll help you in getting your W to join you.

EDITED TO ADD: Melody has some great ideas in reference to speaking with Dr. Harley. Good points Mel.

here

here

here

You really need the help of Dr Harley to talk her out of seeing this counselor. That will cost you nothing. He gives out free advice and helps people on his radio show for free. If you don't want to go on his radio show, he will email or call you privately. But you need a qualified professional to undo the enormous damage this counselor has done.

The coaching center is a different thing entirely. His children are professional marriage therapists who charge $200 a session. You can do that, too, but more importantly, I would contact Dr Harley and see if he can help you persuade your wife to lose this loser counselor.

yes I wholeheartedly agree with you guys , I did send an email and my phone number, I told my w last night I am only willing to talk about our marriage and family, as for her childood stuff that is seperate from now and can only hurt our marriage, I read the above article a few days ago and really am sticking to all the points I have read and the advice I am getting from you guys.

this forum has been a blessing to me, I really do thank you. through much of these past 5 mnths I just COULD NOT understand wjy it seemed no one but me seemed to think restoring love to our marriage was the best idea, this website has been proof that my beliefs and feelings are true. I only hope I can get my w on board, I hope to hear from Dr Harley, I have to work but I will check the radiow show when I get home to see. It will take a few weeks but I think I could budget a couple hundred dollars for a phone counsel, like I said our money is really tight, but I WILL try my hardest to come up w enough. thank you guys again.

and I will try to persuade her again from this counselor.

tunedin, I haven't read all the background, but I think another thing you can do to distinguish the present from the past is to show her what life with you can been like. Re-read the Conversation is Boring and LB articles - Disrespectful Judgments, Selfish Demands, Angry Outburts, Annoying Habits. I suspect that there are some easy changes you can make in the way you talk to her and the kids to make it really easy to get out of the past.

For example, if you usually get on her or the kids because they hang the coats wrong, take a totally different approach instead.

Yes I agree, over these past 5 mnths I have changed any behavior that she said bothered her which isnt much cuz she has always been afraid to be honest, but I am aware enough to see what she likes and doesnt also. It seems the biggest lb for her is the fact that I think we should work on our marriage, that is really our only disagreement, that has also made me susp of an affair, which I have yet to find any evidence, I have seen a few signs but havent been able to really prove anything, but I am trying, because if it is that I could go right to plan A.

ok no kids tonite, w agreed to go b day shopping for our son together, any suggestions on some things to say or do, of course I am trying to fill her love bank still, and I know how to make her laugh and have fun, I am stillfocused on the positive,every opportunity for US to spend quality time now is a gift.

havent had a chance to listen to radio show allthe way through, has anyone heard if they addressed my topic, w and I had a niht to ourselves last night and we obviously talked about our sit some I told her I don't think we should see the same counselor anymore because it only seems to have created more distance between us, she said she liked talking to her and I said if you really feel that way I would like it if you dont talk about our relationship there.

I told her her issues from the past belong in the past and if you must deal w how they affect you now that is separate from our family and marriage.I tolde her I couldnt believe a counselor would tell her I would be happy w a divorce, that is not true, why would I be happy with the most horrible thing you could do to me, you say you love me and care about me,I feel I deserve my feelings taken into consideration, and if you divorce me I could noy be your friend, who would do that to a friend.

she said all of the past is part of who she is, its a package, and that has to be accepted, I told her I never denied that is who you are, but your negative perceptions of me are wrong those things are not true so if you think who you are is thinking badly of me that is just wrong and I cant accept that. I will only accept transformin our marriage to adapt to our needs so that we enjoy eachother, I will not accept divorce as an option.

I asked her if she would read the resolving conflicts article and she did, I told her these ideas are not just mine, they are real and people restore their love all the time, we owe it to ourselves to try at least once.

I know it hit a nerve when I said I couldnt be her friend if she divorced me, and when she read the article. she said she needed some time to process it all(that is how she always operates whe we have a deep discussion) but she didnt seem her usual defensive, stone faced self which I took as a little positive sign.

she said at her next appt she would tell the counselor she was wrong about me being happy w a divorce and that she wouldnt go anymore, I don't know how truthful that was, we will just have to see how accepting she is of these new ideas, when I asked her why she thought divorce would even be an option she said said she feels like she has already checcked out and it wouldnt be fair for me to suffer not having my needs met to which I told that is a choice YOU can make one way or the other it doesnt have to be that way.

I hope its not just wishful thinking on my part but it feels as though I am leading her back even if its only a centimeter at a time.

I didn't hear it on the radio, but then I didn't expect to hear anything so quickly. They get tons of emails every day. I think they typically email the writer when it is going to be on the show.

thats kinda what I thought,thanks.

You did so good!!!! I would just keep feeding her ideas like this. Tell her "wouldn't the ideal solution to be in love with your husband creating a happy, passionate marriage? That is what this plan achieves." Print this out for her: Does Marriage Builders work?

And see how it got to her when you told her you wouldn't be her "friend?" That is so effective because most wives imagine a fantasy divorce where they are "friends" with the husband they just screwed over! The reason they want to be "friends" is so they won't feel so guilty about destroying their family and marriage. But that guilt is a good thing!!

You did SO GOOD, tunedin!!!

Can you order this book and make sure she sees you reading it??

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6015_fall.html

and the workbook: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6090_step.html

thanks, I really see how that statement does alot by itself, sice our talk fri night,there hasnt been anymore said but the weekend went really well,our sons b-day party and went to an ALS walk/fundraiser,lots of fun,positive family time, her spirits just seemed brighter.I will get the book an dsee what she says, my other in law also sent me a short message to which I replied my thoughts and feelings, I know my w has talked to her a little,but their not a family that really talks about much my m-in-law seems to have my back a little though and I feel if I could get 1 person other than me to push my w into saving our marriage it would mean alot.

I'm not going to start any talks about our relationship with my w unless she brings it up,as long as she seems positive and sees me reading that book. I have a question though, there were a couple times this wknd that I felt a little spark in the air and wanted so badly to just kiss her, other than a kiss goodbye and goodnight we havent really kissed in 4 mnths, would it be too soon to just lean in and kiss her, or is this a time I should wait for her to make that move.

I would normally go w my gut and go for the kiss, but this is new territory for me and I wouldnt want to take a step backward.I am avoiding all lovebusters and doing things she likes and it just seems that after this long, at some point she would have to feel like giving back at least a compliment on my looks or something, she has never been one to hold hands and that kinda stuff but she knows I like it. I am very good at patience but am longing for some connection, and at times I can just feel it in the air, knowwhatimean? thanks again for all the help and advice.