Thanks indiegirl! I totally understand what you mean by me being a predator. I will just continue to shower her with love and do things to make her see the good in me. I just don't know how ill do that being in a separate home.

You can get good coaching here. Its been done many times.

Essentially its up to her. Because you have been getting major needs, like admiration, met elsewhere she has every right to walk off.

You just have to paint such a good offer that she won't WANT to refuse it. You know her, you can do this. But never make her feel like she 'should' giving you a chance or be working hard to prop things up. Do all the heavy lifting. You'd be lucky if she did agree and you should say so.

If you come here daily and tell people what needs of hers you're meeting each day and how, you'll get some tweaking and tips for EN meeting. I did when I first showed up here.

Have you considered an MB style counsellor? General counselling has a woeful record for breaking up marriages. It tends to encourage more fighting and weeping than real change. Does your wife have any specific counsellor in mind?

We've been seeing one, actually we saw her together only once and then each one time individually. She suggested the separation and me moving out , her keeping the kid. I wouldn't know how to find a counselor that uses mb and for that matter don't know if I could convince wife to switch now.

Exactly where I was headed.

MB 101 ... make love bank deposits and avoid love band withdrawals.

Don't "talk talk talk". She has no reason to believe you.

Your only hope is to demonstrate the changes she needs to see.
This is how ........

Honesty & Openness - You send her all your passwords. All of them. You give your wife access to anything she might want to see. Don't ask her, just send these things to her. Every phone bill & bank statement, etc, you send her copies. Keep sending them for the next year.
Put a GPS on your own vehicle and give her the information of how she can track you IF she decides to. You keep her current on your whereabouts. Text her "I am going to the market. Do you need anything?" "I am at the auto supply place. How's your car running?"

Family Commitment - Invite your wife to attend church with you. If you don't have a church, get one. If she refuses, keep asking. Do not nag, just say "I'm going to church at 10 AM. Would you care to join me? Do you mind if I take (kids) with me to church?". An invitation is not nagging. Initiate family fun dates. Invite your wife to join. Keep asking. These can be very simple, such as: "The kids and I are going to the park for a picnic. Would you like to join us?". Keep it up.

Domestic Support - If you have a chance, fill up her gas tank. If you have a chance, wash her car. If you have a chance become 'Mr Fix-it' for a weekend. Ask her if she needs help with groceries. Cooking. Laundry. etc.

Don't come here and say "It's not working " .... Of course it's not going to fill her love bank right away.


Think of this as a huge debt you've accumulated. You spent like a crazy person and took all your credit cards to their limit and beyond.
Now what? You have a 'talk' with your weary worn out wife and you TELL her you will stop spending ????? Will that work?



You stop spending/wasting your currency ( stop love busters).
You start making savings deposits to get OUT OF DEBT. (make love bank deposits ..... a LOT of them)

It is very important you manage your expectations and do all of this without expecting admiration from your wife. That will be available to you only after your have proven yourself over time.

Never say something to indicate this attitude ~~~~>"Tell me I am doing a good job." You just work your way up that mountain like the 'Little Engine That Could"

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

Love Bank deposit of Admiration when she is not there with you ....

You tell other people what an amazing woman you are married to.
You tell someone she knows how attractive your wife looked the last time you saw her.
etc etc etc

In other words, you spread positive gossip about your wife.

This site is amazing and I'm so thankful for it. I will start today building up that love bank and hopefully it works. I will go in knowing that it may not work and I have given her reason to leave.

Also do you guys feel a separation is a good idea?

No.
But what we think is not in alignment with what your wounded wife currently thinks.
If you get a chance to rejoin her in one residence ... jump at it.

I think your counselor is (possibly) an idiot. oops. I just made an over share.

How can I find a marriage builder counselor and how can I convince my wife to see one!

Do you have a church?
I'd start there. Ask your pastor about MB counseling.

I don't think it's time to "convince" your wife.
You need some love bank deposits before anything you say to her will have any value what-so-ever.

Well I might be screwed then and need to do the separation and try building a bank while separated

I already gave you suggestions and told you to be determined, consistent, and manage your expectations.

Sheesh!
Am I wasting my time?

LINK to question to ask a marriage counselor

When looking for a marriage counselor, ASK about their plans/steps to restore ROMANTIC LOVE in a marriage. If they do not have a plan to restore romantic love ... or try to divert you towards something that sounds like "I will help you work on your issues" .... then say "No thank you.".

So, Torn, why don't you counsel with the Harleys?

Not wasting your time at all, I'm in a state of fear and emptiness right now. Sorry if I'm coming across like your wasting time. I can't counsel with the Harley's, don't have that kind of money . The counselor we found charges us a reasonable amount. She says she is about making couples reconcile and find the love that's been lost and can help build trust up. Originally she said she wanted to try at least six sessions of counseling before the separation trial but my wife didn't like that I guess

And as far as church I asked her to come speak with our deacon and she denied.

Now that I look thru all of the love busters in detail and emotional needs I am realizing I do a pretty decent job of fulfilling her emotional needs but I do break quite a few of the love busters! Now if I can convince her I'm going to change!

What kind of EPs should I come up with and present to her. I know she won't listen to them at all but I've read it's important to at least show her.
I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked. Or I will even cancel my cell phone and get a phone that does not text or do apps.
I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
I will give my wife all of my emails and passwords and delete my Facebook account or join hers.
I will do any other EPs my wife needs with no questions asked.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.