Do you guys date? You need to get into frequent situations where you are having fun together and having enjoyable conversations about topics you both enjoy and do not fight about.

Have you read this:

The critical importance of undivided attention

More great reading.

What to do When Conversations Become Boring and Unpleasant

Yes. Your prior behaviors have established a pattern of who can hurt the other one more. Not consciously but that is what happens. It's almost a competition to see who can come out the victor and not feel bad about themselves. That somehow you're the victim in every situation.

There is no right or wrong. Only what works and what doesn't work. Waiting for her to apologize or being angry just because she is angry doesn't work.

So you can stay true to your feelings (uhm they aren�t feelings BTW they are learned behaviors) and stay angry and defensive and unpleasant and that will keep you stuck and miserable

OR����.

You can try something different � like being pleasant despite your learned behaviors wanting you not to be. You aren�t a slave to your reactions/behaviors. You have a choice. You can learn new behaviors. You can learn to control how you react to every situation � regardless of what you get in return for your efforts.

The old saying around here is be the lighthouse. Show the way to the new relationship you'll have with your spouse. Show healthy behaviors and it�s bound to have a positive effect on those around you.

Another thing that was mentioned by Markos is to try working on having some fun and enjoyable experiences in your daily activities. Talk about things that you know are topics you and her can discuss without there being conflict. Keep it light. Make your time together pleasant. You�ll enjoy that feeling and want more of it which can only help you lose your desire to stay stuck in unpleasant �ville.

Thank you all for all the suggestions and links. I have a lot of work to do.

If you are having an interaction that becomes unpleasant, and your mood shifts negatively, end that interaction.

"This no longer feels safe/pleasant."


You then have 2 options;


1) Walk away and take some time to gather yourself, the reengage in something pleasant.

2) Immediately shift to something pleasant, or offer a pleasant alternative.



"Dear, this conversation no longer feels safe, would you like to go for a drive for a bit?"

HHH, I think that is the biggest problem we have..We discussed this last night. I feel if we both can do this it would help our communication and understanding of each other.....she is always telling me..."What I am hearing is" and it turns out that she is misunderstanding what I am trying to say or took it in the wrong way....we get flustered...

The bad thing is that we both have a bad memory and I feel that if we put off the conversation then it will just get swept under the rug and forgot about and resentment builds

BBall,

Read about the "rules" of intimate conversation. It should be safe and pleasant. Your wife is doing the right thing in saying, "What I am hearing is..." to verify what she understands is actually what you mean.

What I hear you saying is that rather than walk away, you would rather argue. Stop arguing. Who in the world would be in love with someone who turns every conversation into an argument or uses the conversation to deliver disrespect?

The four enemies of good conversation are:
1. Using conversation to get your way at your spouse's expense
2. Using conversation to punish each other.
3. Using conversation to force agreement to your way.
4. Dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

If you want your wife to love you, stop doing these.

AM

I asked her kindly last night to tell me in a pleasant way to tell me if I judge her disrespectfully. I can admit to my mistakes. I feel that she has a hard time with that. following rules will be a challenge for us...

thank you mama for the great advice

I just love the concept of no fighting in a marriage. I can remembering telling her that she doesn't fight fair....Dr. Harley and all you posters have a great concepts.

Careful how you judge her.

To your point though. Sure she may have a hard time ... right now ... based on your lack of love for each other and on how you�ve learned to interact. You are both in the mode of being defensive and will defend your position despite the detriment it does to your M.

Stop defending. That'll help end the arguing. Remember that there will ALWAYS be areas of your M, your R, where you two never gain each other�s perspective. You will sometimes never see eye to eye. And that�s OK. What you do in those situations is CRITICAL.

What you do is follow the rules for intimate conversations. Understand the friends and enemies of good conversation. They are in the good Dr�s books.

YES!

The business of trying to assign blame is POISON to marriage.

The only way forward for you that is likely to be successful is to win her back by avoiding love bank withdrawals and making love bank deposits.

Could you answer my questions? "Thank you" typically means "I'm going to retreat and trick myself into thinking I'm doing something when I'm not really doing anything."

Trust me, I know, because I've done this!

So ... do you guys date?

Mr. I guess it is my bad instinct to defend my point. I can see where I should be able to remember a lot better if I dont argue and get angry. So many things to change for a healthy marriage...Thanks

markos...sorry for not replying to your questions. I actually mean ...thank you...I am not retreating........ I appreciate everyones comments.....

Yes we go out on dates...not as often as we would like...we enjoy going out dancing a few times a year , out to eat dinners and whenever we can find a sitter to watch the kids. The sitter is usually my parents and I don't like to take advantage of them. We are not comfortable leaving them home alone.

It may seem like a lot ... but once you hear it enough ... it really boils down to simple actions.

Be pleasant and show care, concern and respect for the one you promised this to. You do that consistently and you will receive the same in return. Be the lighthouse BB.

You need much more time together than just this. Can you find more babysitters? Pay your parents, or provide a service for them in exchange for babysitting?

markos, I will ask her and see what we can come up with..

We got a few hours of alone time shopping for a new storm door....I feel good where we are after installing it today and not one dj or ao....Thank You all for your help and great advice...