I'm glad that this is working for you, but Dr Harley does indeed intend it to mean "going out on a date". He points out that the domestic environment is not conducive to romance.

There is only one UA activity that is romantic if you do it at home, and it involves taking your clothes off - so best not to do it outside. If you are going up to your bedroom and enjoying SF for 45 minutes everyday then you are indeed getting UA time - but even that does not add up to 15 hours per week.

It's fine to find something that works for you but please do not suggest to others that this is the kind of thing that Dr H recommends.

SugarCane, with all due respect, I see nothing in this article (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html) implying that all or most of the time be spent outside the home. To the contrary, Dr. Harley says he recommends the time be spent everyday, for as much as 2-3 hours. This is going to be impossible for virtually anyone to do unless a significant amount of that time is spent at home. He particularly emphasizes conversation, which certainly can be done at home after the kids are in bed and there are no distractions. Things like recreation, of course, would probably be best done outside the home. So basically I think it's a combination and I don't see anything remotely implying that SF is the only type of UA time that should be done at home. Maybe I'm missing something though - I'd like to see the quotes where you think this is not so.

UA time at home rarely does the trick. People would not fall in love, after all, if they were in a home with a bunch of kids. It just isn't effective UA time and rarely works. Harley has addressed this often on the radio show and on the private forum.


UA time needs to be spent in 2 to 4 hour blocks in order to be effective. 45 minutes here and there is not going to cut it.

Pius, is there a reason why you and your wife won't go out on dates outside of the home?

Sometimes I don't think that Dr Harley understands that if he is not extremely specific about his concepts, people will cut corners so badly that it becomes useless. I think the POUA is the most abused such concept. Most people just REFUSE to do it yet they insist on implementing bits and pieces that avail them nothing.

If you can't get 15 hours a week of quality UA time, you aren't going to benefit from this step. And if you WON'T get 15 hours, it really means that you are putting less important things ahead of your marriage. If someone can find the time to go to work, they can find the time to commit to their marriage.

Just so you understand, this won't help your marriage one bit. I am in a happy, romantic, passionate marriage and my H and I can TELL when we get under 15 HOURS a week. It takes 20-25 hours to create romantic love and 15 hours to maintain.

I so agree with this!! My XH and I would still be married if I had done this.

I heard a Dr. Harley archived show where he said he and Joyce spent a lot of money on babysitting every month.

Also, I have heard him say that a lot of married couples try so hard to put money away in savings, but it comes at the expense of their marriage. It's hard to do it all, but there is always a priority, and it turns out that quite often, the marriage takes the last place.

We notice a big difference as well, when we don't get our UA time. It's what keeps us from inviting all the grandkids to come and stay at our house for a couple of weeks. We love them so much and miss them greatly, but we aren't willing to put our marriage on hold even for two weeks. We'd HAVE to find a babysitter and plan our times away. We're not willing to give up what we have anymore.

I heard him say that when his kids were little he lived in the area where both his parents and Joyce's parents were on tap for babysitting, and they used both sets and STILL spent a fortune on babysitters. Joyce had a long list that she could pick through.

She was a SAHM and usually desperate to get out of the house after a long day alone with the kids. She would be very happy when Dr H arranged for her to meet him from work. It was seeing that this worked for them (to create a romantic, happy marriage) that makes him recommend this for everybody.

The article does not specify that UA time must be out of the house, but Dr H has said this many time on the radio show (which everyone can listen to) and in the private forum, from where MelodyLane got that post.

"Catching up" for 45 minutes at the end of the day is not romantic. Going out on a date for 3-4 hours IS romantic. Doing this will make a great difference to your marriage.

Agreed that 15 hrs a week would be best, but we have to build to that point. We are also going out on a date once a week and trying to do longer day long trips about once a month. My wife just seems to want to keep the conversation to 30 mins a day so 45 mins is progress :-)

How is it conceivable to go out to some sort of dinner or date for 2-3 hours every single day? I might agree that the home environment "isn't ideal" but that doesn't mean it can't work. Running up hundreds of dollars in debt from eating out and hiring babysitters every night "isn't ideal" either :-)

Anyway I get your point and won't be argumentative.

Building to that point won't work, though. It only works when you do 15+ hours.

It is very conceivable when you are willing. When you are willing - most people ARE NOT - they find a way. For example, they join co-ops for babysitting, enlist friends, family, teenagers. And eating out doesn't "run up hundreds of dollars in debt." You can drive to a park and eat sandwiches and go for a quiet walk.

All it takes is willingness and an understanding that cutting corners on UA time will get you exactly: BUTKUS.

Don't believe me? TRy it for yourself. You won't fall in love this way.

And your argument is not with me or Dr Harley, it is with REALITY. In reality, if you don't spend 15+ hours together you won't be in love.

Do you have time to go to work? How did you find that time?

The REASON she wants to keep it to 30 minutes is because she is not in love. She probably hates that 30 minutes. If she were in love she could not get enough of you, though.

But in order to fall in love, you have to spend 20+ hours of UA time meeting these 4 intimate emotional needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Feelings FOLLOW actions, not the other way around.

Just my thoughts/observations;


Brainfart, can't remember the word I want to use here.


The Love Bank model is a way to simplify the concept behind it; that Romantic Love is having a collection of positive memory associations with someone whom you are also attracted to.

Given that; the reason the amount of UA time, and strict definitions of how it should be spent exist, is the goal to create more positive associations with your spouse than negative.

Even if you were to commit NO Love Busters, time and life stresses will cause your LB$ balance to diminish.

With no Love Busters making large withdrawals, and properly spent UA time, your LB$ deposits will outpace the withdrawals due to time and/or life stresses.

That's the point. To consistently outpace decay in each other's LB$.


The 15 hours isn't an arbitrary number, it's based upon practice-based evidence.

Not to stereotype, but us women love to talk. A LOT. If I only spent 30 minutes yapping to my husband per night, I would hear a "..... is something wrong?".

We have very minimal UA time right now, because our 2nd is now 4 months old and refuses a bottle. But even then, we make the most of our 3 hours without kids per night (lights out at 7pm for all youngin's in this house) and then he can be left now for 1.5-2 hours maximum without a feed on weekends at a time. And even then, that requires a quick stop back home, a nursing, and out I can go again.

It's not easy. Of course it's easier just to sit on the couch or play a computer game. But if there is one thing MB has taught me, is that scrambling for someone to watch kids for a few hours is a heck of a lot easier than a divorce proceeding and a lifetime of shuffling back & forth between two houses!

A lot more pleasant too....