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Have him take a polygraph. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse. I would also let him know that the onus is on him, not you. I would ask "how will you PROVE to me that you are telling the truth?" It is obvious your husband is not in the least serious about recovery. A man who is serious says "I will do what it takes." This guy is not serious. does he still work with the OW?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Courageous
It sounds like H is still in his fog. Trickle truth almost destroyed me. You never know when more info is going to come out and you NEVER expect it to be as bad as it is. I had to keep telling my WW everytime she trickle truthed me, "I replayed that in my head 100 times but never that bad". I finally told her that I needed the whole truth that day or I was leaving. She relented and spilled everything. It was way worse than I had expected and her trickle truths were filled with lies.
Be strong and get the whole truth now. Once he spills everything, make him take a polygraph. Then, and only then, will you have the peace you need to make your decisions and begin healing.
Me - BH 49 years old Her - WW 43 years old Married 20 years D Day Jan 7, 2013 3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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Really, Courageous .... you cannot make any decision until YOU are satisfied you know the truth about your husband, your marriage, his secretive life.
Do not determine whether you want to remain in the M without knowing/understanding the full story.
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/04/13 10:16 AM.
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Our EPs included the whole truth as well as an STD test. My decision to stay/leave is still pending that test. It's been done, we're justing for the results.
Me - BH 49 years old Her - WW 43 years old Married 20 years D Day Jan 7, 2013 3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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Wow,
EPs (exraordinary precautions) are actions that are put in place to change the conditions that make an affair possible. They include things like having each other's passwords, access to computer and phone records, knowing where your spouse is all the time, etc.
I don't think STD tests and knowing the whole truth are EPs. They are, however, conditions a spouse may have in order to stay in a marriage after an affair. Each betrayed spouse has to identify what conditions are deal-breakers for remaining in the marriage. Certainly, knowing the whole truth and results of an STD test are reasonable conditions.
Courageous, I concur with the suggestion of a polygraph. Your husband's refusal to tell you all the truth is cruel.
AM
BW - 70 WH - 65 M - 35 years D-day - 17 Apr 08 H broke contact 11/1/09 Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I am pretty sure he still works with his OW, so nothing can be done until that changes.
Has that changed, courageous?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Courageous,
I just read your other thread. If your husband still works with OW, still has contact with her, refuses to write a no contact letter and is continuing to lie to you, you haven't started to recover your marriage. I don't see how things are any better than when your first arrived at MB. I am sorry.
AM
BW - 70 WH - 65 M - 35 years D-day - 17 Apr 08 H broke contact 11/1/09 Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Courageous, you do understand the necessity of having WH no longer work with OW, right? (I suspect that is why you began this new thread, since your steadfast rejection of that MB principle was so much an object of consternation in your old one.)
Curing a case of giardiasis is of small value if one will stubbornly continue to drink from the same stream!
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Courageous, you might want to listen to this radio clip with Dr Harley discussing how serial cheaters are created. That is what you are facing by not adhering to basic steps of recovery. And I will attest to the fact that couples like you end up back here with repeat affairs. I have seen this play out over and over again in the last 12 years: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=132#
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If your law enforcement WH assumes that you will accept the minimum from him, you need to 're-arrange" his assumptions. It's done. I got answers to all my questions (about 60) over the weekend. He was forthcoming on everything. It was tough on both of us. Wow, it was nice to have answers (since I didn't have many at that point), but it was also terrible at the same time. Most of my assumptions were correct. It's good to know I can trust my gut. It hurt terribly and will for a long time, but at least now I won't make up even worse scenarios in my mind like I had been. I told him he needs to work harder at keeping me because I deserve better. I thanked him for the work that he's already done, but I told him that I won't put up with minimum work on our marriage. I told him to be a man of good character. He's come a very, very long way since this started, but he's slowly, slowly making progress. God and Steve Harley's coaching have been so helpful. He doesn't work with her any longer. He admitted to me that she dumped him. It seems that my nuclear exposure to the whole planet ticked her off pretty bad. She told him that he was just using her for sex. But she'll probably come back. That's why, with Steve Harley's help, we have EP's in place. Steve is just wonderful. I can't say enough about him. We're reading the book, Love Busters, together and have both filled out the Love Busters and Emotional Needs Questionnaires. Also, we're still in coaching with Steve.
Me: BS DH: WS
Married 20 years no children DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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He doesn't work with her any longer. He admitted to me that she dumped him. So she has left that job?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's done. I got answers to all my at point), but it was also terrible at the same time. Most of my assumptions were correct. It's good to know I can trust my gut.
We're reading the book, Love Busters, together and have both filled out the Love Busters and Emotional Needs Questionnaires. Also, we're still in coaching with Steve. Good for you!, I know that was difficult for you, but you did it anyway. Keep up the good work.
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