Is there such a thing as a modified Plan B or a part time Plan B? And if so how is it done?

In January 2013 my husband of 26 years confessed that for last 18 months he'd had 3 different relationships/affairs. My husband and I have been working on Plan A for 11 weeks but recently he told me he wants to move out on a part time basis. He has an opportunity to have a free place to stay (condo sit) for about six months and he�d like to stay at this location 2-4 nights a week to have time away to think and experience what it would be like to be separated. That maybe being away from the family and me a few nights a weeks or a few weeks at a time would help him appreciate what he has and that when he comes back at the end of the six months he�ll be ready to give our marriage his 100 percent.

We�ve tried to come to and enthusiastic agreement but we are stuck. All of my husband�s brainstorming suggestions center around him being able to be away from home to sort things out, to do his work without having to worry about the marriage builders prescriptions and to have the flexibility to do what he wants throughout the day. I am not at all comfortable with his suggestions because I am committed to Plan A.

Am I wrong for being disagreeable to him having the flexibility to come and go from our home as he feels his emotional needs need to be met? He says it�s not like that - he does not want to move out - he wants to still keep his things here and he�ll need to have access to our home office, his tools, his belongings. After all in his mind this is only temporary and he�ll have to come home after the 6 months is over and he does not really want to �separate� he just wants the opportunity to get away for a few weeks or days at a time. He really does not know what he wants or how long it will take because he has not done it yet and he wants to see how it goes.

I am confused because I do not want him to move out for fear that it will make matters of concern worse. Yet, I don�t want to feel like I am forcing him to stay at home to work on Plan A when he really does not want to be here and keeps thinking of the opportunity he is missing by not using the six months to have a free place to stay while it�s available. I also cannot imaging being on that emotional roller coaster wondering if he�ll be wanting to stay home one night and then not the next; or be gone for a few weeks only to return home a night or two and then decide he�s not ready. Is that really fair to me and the family?

I feel that if he is going to move out then he should do just that - separate completely for the six months. I really do not want to go this route because I�m committed to Plan A; but at the same time what good is it to have him home knowing he wants to be somewhere else and knowing that I am the one driving Plan A? The prolonged gridlocked on what to do is having an adverse effect on me and I am starting to feel more heartbroken and lonely. I am starting to think that Plan B may be the only option regardless of me not having an enthusiastic agreement.

So, is there such a thing as a part time or modified plan B? If so, how does one implement it?

The complete details of our marriage crisis and what we are doing to try and work through our crisis are detailed in the following pages.



Hello,

We are G & S. My husband (G) and I (S) have been married for 26 years. Most of our married life has been challenging. We were involved in a failed business lawsuit in year 1 of our marriage and in year 3 of our marriage we filed Chapter 13. In year 7 of our marriage we converted our Chapter 13 to Chapter 7. By year 13 we were still in financial ruins and we had added 4 beautiful children ranging in ages from newborn to age 12. We both come from dysfunctional families and both our sets of parents had separate bedrooms and lived separate lives under the same roof. We never wanted our marriage to be like either of our parents� marriages.

We been reading and researching your books and articles for nearly 3 months now and we are at a point where we are in in great need of your advice. Below is our marital problem:

Our marriage has been very stressful with all the financial hardships coupled by a child who was high risk and in need of counseling from age 5 to age 18+. To avoid having all our children in full time daycare (cost prohibited and we are generally opposed to full time daycare) my husband and I agreed for me to be the primary income provider and for him to be a stay home dad with a part-time job. We did this because my job carried the health care benefits, higher income, and greater opportunity for financial security. Unfortunately this job required me to travel a lot. A few years ago my job responsibilities changed, I took a big pay cut, and took on a second part time job (that is typically full time hours) to supplement the loss of income. Basically S works all the time, 7 days a week, day and night shifts between both jobs and volunteers weekly in the children�s activities so she can stay connected and involved in the children�s lives. G has worked seasonal jobs on a part time and full time basis. G does not volunteer or participate much in the children�s activities. Long story short, S and G have grown vastly apart

At the time we got married and for many years we considered ourselves to be buyers and were committed to overcome our many diversities because we loved each other and refused to let money and the stress associated with no money be the demise of our relationship. Unfortunately we did not have the benefit of your materials or the benefit of a strong mentally healthy extended family support network and consequently our marriage became a wreck.

Angry outbursts were S�s first line of defense when my emotional needs were not being met; and G�s first line of dense was to withdraw and blow S off. Then S would withdraw and consequently we became very distant and unhappy. Literally we became ships passing in the night. I suggested counseling several times but G was not interested. S did seek counseling privately though clergy who continued to encourage S in the relationship and gave S things to work on. S tried to follow their instructions but G become even more distant. In January 2013 G confessed that for last 18 months he'd had 3 different relationships/affairs.

S had anticipated this news for sometime based on how G had been treating S but the news was still hard hitting. In search for help S found the Marriage Builders web site. S shared the web site with G and S and G agreed that we wanted to make our marriage work and were hopeful that by following your plan we could restore the romance we had in our marriage 25 years ago.

We first ordered His Needs Her Needs but S asked G if we could pick a different book because S�s emotions were still raw and S was not ready to jump into that material. Thus S and G downloaded the kindle version of How to Survive an Affair. This book has been greatly beneficial. By working through the chapters together S and G have been able to easily identify what we were doing wrong in the marriage. G admitted his affairs were over - in fact the last one had ended in early October (3 moths prior to G�s confession). He explained that he has no contact with these women (1 moved to a different state; 1 moved across town to a different job; and the third is engaged an they don�t communicate anymore). He said felt he had no withdrawal or depression from the ending of these relationships; although he does miss going out and socializing. And G said he was ready to move forward with Plan A.

After reading your materials S has accepted full responsibility for her part of not meeting G�s emotional needs and for her past angry outburst. While S did not have a physical affair there were definite times when she�d wonder what it would be like to be single again; or question what it would be like to be married to someone else. So S understands how harmful this was for the marriage and take�s full responsibility for her detachment from the marriage.

G has also reflected on his wrong doings and we have been trying to use your great tools to jumpstart our new commitment to each other - i.e. meeting every Sunday to plan our weekly calendar to try and carve out a minimum of 15 hours per week to spend time together; we've agreed to the 4 rules of protection; and we have been trying to meet each other�s emotional needs and avoid our love busters.

(FYI - S�s 5 emotional needs are 1) honesty and openness; 2) affection; 3) family commitment; 4) domestic support; and 5) admiration. G�s 5 emotional needs are 1) sexual fulfillment; 2) affection; 3) recreational companionship; 4) physical attractiveness of spouse; and 5) financial support.)

Simultaneous to all this, in January G started working fulltime plus overtime. His self-employed part time business has taken off to a fulltime commitment and he has several contracts that require him to serve. This is all very exciting because for the first time in decades he is working and experiencing employment fulfillment. We both want him to be successful for two reasons; first personal satisfaction and second, because S is long overdue to give up one of her two jobs.

Two weeks ago (March 16th) while discussing the chapter on the Rule of Honesty, G said he was feeling overwhelmed and told S that he wanted to spend some days and nights apart during the week to allow time for him to figure things out. Through his real estate management contacts an opportunity has presented itself for him to stay in a nearby condo for six months. He explained he did not want to follow Plan B as described in Marriage Builders because he did not want a complete separation; just a few days/nights a week away for an undetermined amount of time to focus on his work and to sort some things out.

Initially S could not come to an enthusiastic agreement about this idea because S could not understand why G wanted to do this. G�s affairs were over, S and G agreed to move forward and work on Plan A - which up to this point was going well�S and G accepted the 4 rules of protection � why now did G want to suggest a change to what S and G were doing? Thus we moved forward with the guidelines to develop a policy of joint agreement (which we had already used successfully prior to this time).

We have tried for over two weeks to come to an enthusiastic agreement that we can both agree to but we are at an in pass. Below is our brainstorming list of options:

1. Follow Plan B in Harley�s book for the separation process. G moves out and S and G have no contact except through a mediator, and G gets counseling to help identify what is bothering him.
2. G stays home and G and S put �How to Survive and Affair� book study on hold and move to another book like Buyers, Renters and Free Loaders; or Love Busters..
3. G stays home & goes to counseling to help with issues. G & S continue Plan A.
4. Figure out a modified Plan B where there can be some contact (certain kinds) with each other for evaluation purposes and planning for family logistics i.e. carpooling & other events concerning our children. G will go to counseling and spend a few days/nights at home; and a few days/nights away at the condo on his needs.
5. G stays at home and goes on guided weekend retreat(s) to get away from everything and to give undivided attention to his issues and thoughts.
6. S and G set a beginning and ending time for a modified Plan B (or Plan B). Beginning time would possibly be 24th of March and last up to 6 months.
7. Add item 6 to items 1 and 4 above.
8. S and G agree to time limit for Plan A during which G gets individual counseling and after time limit if G feels a need for Plan B or modified Plan B then it would go into effect for 6 months.
9. Talk with Marriage Builder counselor about Modified Plan B.
10. If it is S that G wants a break from, then S moves out and G stays in the home.
11. Same as #1 but without a mediator i.e. S and G contact each other as necessary�

All of G�s brainstorming suggestions center around him being able to be away from home to sort things out, to do his work without having to worry about the marriage builders prescriptions and to have the flexibility to do what he wants throughout the day. When probed why he wants to move out he responds:
� G was so convinced that S would want him to leave the home after finding out about his affairs and that S would want a divorce so he was mentally and emotionally prepared for just that action.
� G is feeling is feeling overwhelmed.
� G is working overtime and finding it very difficult to meet S�s emotional needs and the 15-hour a week minimum. Yet G does not want to give up on the marriage; G wants the flexibility to come and go from the house as needed to help with household responsibilities; use the home office; and to spend time with S and the family. Then, stay at the condo the other times to sort things out.
� G say�s he knows most people would wonder why he feels this way - he has a lovely wife, she works hard � that people would never understand why he feels the way he does.
� G say�s he loves his home, loves S, loves the family, wants to work on plan A but yet he is not happy about doing it.
� G say�s he feels like he is in purgatory.
� G say�s he feels like he needs a shock/a wake up call and that he thinks that by living away from home on a part time basis he will realize what he is missing and want to come back.
� G say�s he is disappointed in himself for falling short. He knows he is not meeting S�s emotional needs but he thinks he needs to do it through a modified Plan B.
� G does not want to move out completely�he does not want this to be a permanent thing�. G is not interested in Plan B as described in Marriage Builds but seeks a modified or part time plan B. G does not want the separation to be permanent nor does he want it to be full time.
� G says he feels like he needs to separate to do it and get it over with and that he does not think he can stop thinking about it until he does it.
� G says he is not leaving to never come back; just leaving to get a break and to take advantage of the opportunity to have a free place to stay for up to 6 months; after which the opportunity will be gone.
� G thinks that at some point and time after being away he�ll be ready to do plan A and get really into it and really make it work. That something is keeping him from diving into Plan A and this is why he thinks a modified plan B would help give him the space and time to figure it out.

Up until now S has not been able to enthusiastically agree to G�s proposal because it reminds her of a freeloaders approach and that S and G made the commitment to be buyers and S wants to hold both S and G accountable to that behavior. S is also concerned that being apart prevents S and G from being able to deposit love units; fosters love busters; and is a breading ground for temptation.

S knows that G wants more of a social life - that G wants to hang out and have a few beers or a glass of wine at some of the social network gathering places and S fears that he will find himself in a similar situation of meeting other women and hanging out with them instead of S.

S�s brainstorming centers around S and G meeting the marriage builder prescriptions of Plan A which is G living at home; getting counseling for depression and anxiety; going on a few men's retreats; ... and avoiding Plan B.

S is very concerned that she cannot accept a �part time� or �modified� Plan B because she does not think is it fair for him to get to pick and choose when he wants to come home and get his emotional needs met with no consideration of how S feels. S thinks G�s proposals are all �taker� oriented; free loader oriented and not �giver and buyer� oriented.

S is very worried that if G moves out it will have to be full time and that S will find life more enjoyable without the emotional ups and downs with G. S is very concerned that the pain of the affairs coupled with the false pretenses of trying to meet Plan A; along with the separation will be too much pain and turmoil and that S will find life much easier without G and not want G to move back home and that S will want a divorce.

Over the last 2 weeks, G has not been participating in the agreed upon program. G is not doing the agreed upon reading; G is not filling out the agreed upon questionnaires; G is not meeting S�s emotional needs; and is now starting to not meet the 4 rules of protection.

S feels she has done her absolute best to not have any angry outbursts, continue to to meet G�s emotional needs, and to do so without reservation�And G agrees that S is doing a good job at meeting these goal�.G admits and agrees that he is not doing likewise.

But S is burning out. S�s taker is starting to rear it's ugly head, S is starting to feel withdrawal and feeling the renters sacrifice mentality creeping back into her emotional self. S now realizes how important it is for her emotional needs to be met and S wants and needs her emotional needs met. After all, it has been decades since she feels her emotional needs have been met with love and care and authenticity; and S is very ready to feel cared for and loved by someone who really wants to do it because they want to and not just because they feel they have to �

S is starting to think that maybe Plan B is the best option. But not on a part time basis or modified basis like G suggest i.e. to have the flexibility to come and go as he needs to use the home office, do laundry, take care of the lawn� but rather for G to move out for a prescribed time and for G and S to work toward meeting plan A while being totally separated.

The prolonged gridlocked on what to do is having an adverse effect on S and S is feeling more heartbroken, lonely, and fearful of being stuck on what to do and is starting to think that Plan B may be the only option regardless of S not having an enthusiastic agreement.

S has read many articles from the Marriage Builders web site including but not limited to: All of the Basic Concepts; Parts A and B; How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage; Why Women leave Men; Coping in Infidelity: Parts 1-3; When Should an Affair Be Exposed?; and When to Call it Quits. However after going through all these materials plus the other materials not listed S (and G) have some big questions.

So we seek clarity and help of the following items:

1) Do we tell close family and friends about the affairs? S and G know you generally say yes, but S has held off because S does want people to turn on G. S is a part time (most weeks full time) youth minister in our parish and a leader in other programs in the community and S worries how people will react to this news. S is concerned that most will cast critical judgment and blame on G. S is concerned her family will encourage her to stay separated from G; and that G�s family will be angry at G for his behavior. As S said previously, S accepts her past failings and realizes she too is to blame so S does not think the judgments of others toward G are going to be fair.

2) Can plan B be implemented on a part time basis as G wants it see it done?

3) If the answer to number 2 above is a yes, then how can it be done? If no, how do couples successfully implement plan B? What are the ground rules, how much time do you allow?

4) In the article When to Call it Quits Part 1 you say that Ken and Ellen can communicate via cell phone rather than through a third party and that Ellen was not going to move back home until their new habits were in place and that this new lifestyle was effortless for both of them. How is this done? It took Ellen and Ken a year to get to that point. What is your experience with other couples? Is it realistic to think G can move out temporarily or full time and be ready to move back home in six months. What ground rules do you set up?

5) If you recommend complete separation how are the children delt with? G wants to spend time with the family - is that all done at the Condo? At home? Do they spend the night at the condo?

6) Do you think we need to give more time to Plan A? If so, how much time is generally given before going with Plan B?

Any additional reading resources that speak to all these questions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your considerations.

God bless you in your ministry, S and G

My husband and I have been working on Plan A for 11 weeks but recently he told me he wants to move out on a part time basis. He has an opportunity to have a free place to stay (condo sit) for about six months and he�d like to stay at this location 2-4 nights a week to have time away to think and experience what it would be like to be separated.

Thank you for taking time to respond to my post. Yes my WH is aware of my post. He agreed to what I wrote and wants to hear from the group what they have to say. We have been working through the MB materials and questionnaires so he is already exposed to it...he has insisted all along, since he confided his affairs to me that the last one ended in early October 2012. We have not told anyone of the affairs as of yet...I know this is a no, no but I am a youth minister at our church and I am not ready to go public...

"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."

We will put together a plan to tell family and friends of the affairs - I am concerned about the timing - I have a huge youth retreat coming up; one of our sons graduates from college...but I guess there is no good time...

SnG, tell your husband to come here and talk to me. I will be his huckleberry. I will help him recover his marriage...step by step.

We have not told anyone of the affairs as of yet...I know this is a no, no but I am a youth minister at our church and I am not ready to go public...