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Yes, Mr A a different job is in order. But, I don't know that he will get one. If he gets a nice bonus, he is staying put. Also, in his line of work, commercial construction...no one works 40 hours a week. Honestly, he has worked over 40 hours a week for the last 20 years. He has NEVER put in only 50 hours towards work (like Dr H said we should).
Even if he decides to change jobs, it may take a long time to find another one. What do we do in the meantime? No SF or Yes SF? He, absolutely, will not make a change until after the first of the year. What do I do?
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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Boy, you sure sound a lot like us. I think part of it comes with homeschooling. You do it because it is the right thing, not because it is fun!
We are a little different in that I definitely haven't lost my love for my husband but he doesn't do any love busters like it sounds like your husband does so maybe that it what made the difference...
I will say this for me that my mood/depression is directly related to how much time we spend together. If we get at least 12 hours, then I am in a great mood. If we only get 4, I am horribly down. And seriously it can change in an instant. A couple of weeks ago, we hadn't been getting enough time. I resented homeschooling and was in a FOUL mood taking everything out on my daughter. I had just about decided that I wanted to stop homeschooling her. The next morning my husband could tell something was wrong. He wanted to know if it was something he had done if we hadn't been spending enough time together. I broke down crying and told him yes that was it. He called me later and sobbing I told him I was a terrible mom, I needed to stop homeschooling, etc. He told me all the reasons I wasn't terrible an what a great job he thought I was doing and listed all of these great things. ( Since admiration is my top need, it really filled my tank.) He then invited me to lunch out. The next day was completely different with my daughter. She didn't get on my nerves and we had a great day.
Hubby is flying back tonight and that is one thing I will tell him. He wants me to keep homeschooling. ( Funny, since I had to convince him when we first started as he was against it!) If he wants me to, then I need more time with him to stay sane!
I'll be praying for you! I've read your thread, TW. Our situations do sound similar. I emailed the show today.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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What did you mutually agree to do? Rhetorical questions: How many hours does he work? How many hours are you together? What things can you do together that today you do alone? What other things get in the way of UA? If he were to keep this job what else could be done to increase the number of hours together? Can his travel time be reduced? Can you move to be closer to his work? When you're brainstorming you have to be creative and sometimes go WAY out of the box to find a suitable solution. Gotta new issue on the horizon. One year ago, DH was laid off. He found a comparable job within weeks. But, the new job is about 60 miles from home into the city. During traffic it's 1 1/2 to 2 hour commute. He leaves at 5 am returns at 6ish. Our marriage is much better now. We are getting in around 15 hours UA per week. One date night usually. He wants to consider moving closer into town about 25 miles from the office. The company wants him to open a new division. It will mean more money, but also more hours at work and some dinner meetings. He wants to live closer so he can take this promotion. He wants to live in a nicer home. He wants a smaller yard in a subdivision (less maintenance). He doesn't want find another job closer to home. He likes his job and the potential for growth there. He likes his bosses and co-workers too.
The kids and I aren't really feeling it. Currently, we live in the woods on some acreage. We have privacy and security. Family on both sides. The kids have freedom to play anywhere, anytime.
I am trying to be supportive. I wouldn't want a two hour commute either. But, I'm not seeing anything in it for us (me and the kids). It's not like we're gonna see him more, just the opposite. Our kids love living in the country.
Help me with my attitude. I want to make a good decision for everyone. I don't want to move.
Me: 57 Her: 54 M: 31 years Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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What did you mutually agree to do? Rhetorical questions: How many hours does he work? How many hours are you together? What things can you do together that today you do alone? What other things get in the way of UA? If he were to keep this job what else could be done to increase the number of hours together? Can his travel time be reduced? Can you move to be closer to his work? When you're brainstorming you have to be creative and sometimes go WAY out of the box to find a suitable solution. Gotta new issue on the horizon. One year ago, DH was laid off. He found a comparable job within weeks. But, the new job is about 60 miles from home into the city. During traffic it's 1 1/2 to 2 hour commute. He leaves at 5 am returns at 6ish. Our marriage is much better now. We are getting in around 15 hours UA per week. One date night usually. He wants to consider moving closer into town about 25 miles from the office. The company wants him to open a new division. It will mean more money, but also more hours at work and some dinner meetings. He wants to live closer so he can take this promotion. He wants to live in a nicer home. He wants a smaller yard in a subdivision (less maintenance). He doesn't want find another job closer to home. He likes his job and the potential for growth there. He likes his bosses and co-workers too.
The kids and I aren't really feeling it. Currently, we live in the woods on some acreage. We have privacy and security. Family on both sides. The kids have freedom to play anywhere, anytime.
I am trying to be supportive. I wouldn't want a two hour commute either. But, I'm not seeing anything in it for us (me and the kids). It's not like we're gonna see him more, just the opposite. Our kids love living in the country.
Help me with my attitude. I want to make a good decision for everyone. I don't want to move. At that time we agreed to stay in this current house. We looked at houses closer to his job (1 hour commute). We don't have enough cash or time to finish our current house and be able to sell it. We can't afford two houses. At the time, he wasn't thinking we would move to get more family time, we would move so he could take a promotion and actually work more. As the year progressed, he didn't get the promotion, but work has just exploded. All the project mgrs. are working like mad. Business is booming in Houston. He will look for a comparable job closer to home after the first of the year. But, if they give him a big bonus....he might not be so willing to leave. That's the problem he is having. He's never put the marriage before his job. It seems so foreign to him. As far as UA, we sometimes get 4 or 5 hours on Sunday. We will go out to dinner, then grocery shopping. On week nights, he comes home late 7-8, we eat dinner as a family and he goes to bed 930-10. Saturday, he might do some work from home on his laptop, then go to Judo class with our son from 12-2 and come home and get a little rest. We don't usually do anything together on Saturday. Honestly, he is very tired keeping this schedule. I feel guilty asking for more from him.
Last edited by TenaciousOne; 12/03/12 04:07 PM.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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His daily schedule.
Get up around 4-430 am Leave the house at 430-5 am Work anywhere from 630 am to as late 8 pm Return home anywhere from 6pm to 10 pm Day over. There's no predicting, his workload changes practically daily. If they give him a job to bid, he has to stay and get ready for it. If there's a deadline, he has to stay and make the superintendent and subs get the work done.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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He thinks, quitting his job, so we can have UA is a marriage builders deal breaker. He doesn't need to quit his job. He needs to find a better one. This one is killing his marriage. I think you need to tell him that in a thoughtful, respectful way. Have you seen this? The critical Importance of Undivided Attention
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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His daily schedule.
Get up around 4-430 am Leave the house at 430-5 am Work anywhere from 630 am to as late 8 pm Return home anywhere from 6pm to 10 pm Day over. There's no predicting, his workload changes practically daily. If they give him a job to bid, he has to stay and get ready for it. If there's a deadline, he has to stay and make the superintendent and subs get the work done. Are you trying to think outside the box and come up with ways to spend more UA time with him? The hours he has free what is done with those hours and how could you spend them together?
Me: 57 Her: 54 M: 31 years Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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In one of the clips I listened to, Dr H says he was working 90 hour weeks and still going out on dates with Mrs. H. How can that be?
Anyway, H's company Christmas party was last night. He was awarded Top Producer of the Year. I'm not sure what that means for us. He's been gone about 80 hours for the last few weeks. We managed to get in some UA over the weekend (about 6 hours).
Still no SF. I feel bad for him. He is working so hard. Should we POJA the SF need?
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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Did you ever hear back from the Harleys?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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No. I've been watching for it in my inbox and spam folders.
H and I understand the problem and agree on a solution. We just need to know how to handle the "in the meantime".
He has agreed to look for a job closer to home, but if work is good and the money is there, moving closer to work will be on the table too.
But, we don't know how long it will take to make these adjustments.
Last edited by TenaciousOne; 12/13/12 01:11 PM.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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No. I've been watching for it in my inbox and spam folders. Did you send it over a week ago? I would notify the MODS and send it through them and they will make sure the Harleys receive it.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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In one of the clips I listened to, Dr H says he was working 90 hour weeks and still going out on dates with Mrs. H. How can that be?
Anyway, H's company Christmas party was last night. He was awarded Top Producer of the Year. I'm not sure what that means for us. He's been gone about 80 hours for the last few weeks. We managed to get in some UA over the weekend (about 6 hours).
Still no SF. I feel bad for him. He is working so hard. Should we POJA the SF need? I work 70 - 80 hour weeks and we still go out once a week and manage at least 10 hours of UA time, most weeks more.
Me: 30 Him: 39 Together 5 years Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman. 7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Update
I talked to Mrs. Harley last week on the phone. She suggested talking to a realtor about selling the house and moving closer to DH's job. DH will start his new job next Monday. It is still in the city, but the hours should be less.
UA is better. Maybe 10 hours a week. LB's have been fine too.
But, DH started playing an online game with our son. But, I know he his playing this game on is own sometimes too. DH has been "game free" for just over a year. I'm ok with him playing a video game with our kids on the Wii. Wii games usually have a stopping point. And he must share the tv with the other family members. But, online gaming is much more isolating and one can easily be sucked into hours and hours of game play. It is a "slippery slope".
How should I handle this? POJA? Should we be a "game free" family? So he's not tempted.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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Asking for prayers and "happy MB thoughts." DH starts his new business venture tomorrow. Our plan is to build a home office for him very soon, so he can work from home as often as possible. Our hope is to limit the terrible daily commute. This just seems like an answer to prayer. He will be home so much more now. UA here we come!
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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Update
I talked to Mrs. Harley last week on the phone. She suggested talking to a realtor about selling the house and moving closer to DH's job. DH will start his new job next Monday. It is still in the city, but the hours should be less.
UA is better. Maybe 10 hours a week. LB's have been fine too.
But, DH started playing an online game with our son. But, I know he his playing this game on is own sometimes too. DH has been "game free" for just over a year. I'm ok with him playing a video game with our kids on the Wii. Wii games usually have a stopping point. And he must share the tv with the other family members. But, online gaming is much more isolating and one can easily be sucked into hours and hours of game play. It is a "slippery slope".
How should I handle this? POJA? Should we be a "game free" family? So he's not tempted. I've found a happy marriage limits my game time tremendously....
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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We are not making much progress. I don't know what my EN's are. When we did the questionnaire, I listed conversation and RC. But, engaging in those aren't bringing back the love for me. I've reconsidered my EN's. I applied the question...What did you enjoy together before you married? I think, I married him because he wasn't an [censored]. Seriously. The first boyfriend was so mean and abusive, that when DH showed up....WOW. He was a Godsend. But, I've never craved him to meet any of the typical top four needs. These needs aren't there anymore. They aren't being met by someone else either. I mostly just listen, I don't talk much anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. My RC partners are DH and kids. The kids and I are home most days doing lessons. I don't hang out with anyone else.
I asked him last night, what says "I love you" the most. He said, affection. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc... He asked me the same question. Honestly, I said being kind to me and the kids.
So, the question is....If the top EN's aren't reviving the love, then could the elimination of LB's do it?
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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I found this......"If either you or your spouse is in the State of Withdrawal, you have created emotional defenses and will not let the other spouse meet your emotional needs. It's only when you overcome Love Busters that the emotional barrier is removed, and you allow each other to meet your emotional needs. So if either of you are in the state of Withdrawal, the Love Busters should be eliminated before trying to meet that spouse's emotional needs."
Am I still in withdrawal? I feel like we are in conflict though.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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I found this......"If either you or your spouse is in the State of Withdrawal, you have created emotional defenses and will not let the other spouse meet your emotional needs. It's only when you overcome Love Busters that the emotional barrier is removed, and you allow each other to meet your emotional needs. So if either of you are in the state of Withdrawal, the Love Busters should be eliminated before trying to meet that spouse's emotional needs."
Am I still in withdrawal? I feel like we are in conflict though. If you're in the state of conflict that's better than withdrawal. Dr. Harley says to bring a spouse out of withdrawal is more difficult than the state of conflict. How much UA time are you getting? What are you doing during your UA time?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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UA close to 15 hours. Usually, go to the bedroom at 9 or 10 to talk and SF. We go out to eat and run errands(groceries, Lowes etc...) once a week or so. We've been doing honey-do's together outside on the weekends. Went to dinner and a concert a couple of weeks ago. We'll talk on the phone while he's at work driving to meetings. We sit around and talk at home.
Me 47 Him 47 Married 27 years dd 21, dd 17, ds 15
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UA close to 15 hours. Usually, go to the bedroom at 9 or 10 to talk and SF. We go out to eat and run errands(groceries, Lowes etc...) once a week or so. We've been doing honey-do's together outside on the weekends. Went to dinner and a concert a couple of weeks ago. We'll talk on the phone while he's at work driving to meetings. We sit around and talk at home. Are you enthusiastic about these recreational activities?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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