I married my high school sweetheart 23 years ago. no big issues or probs--mostly just 23 good years and 5 good kids--all older now ages 16-22.

I have been in full time ministry for the past 15 years.

My wife has always been a fun loving, non complaining servant heart type.

I have been a bit disillusioned with my career and have been spending tons of time with my hobbies for about 3 years now--collecting knives and guns and reloading ammo.

My wife started a "surprise" affair with her general manager on 02/22/2013. They exchanged friendly emails stating around 10/2012. When my gave a 2 week notice to leave the company, she emailed the OP to tell him how much she liked him. They started eating lunch together during her 2 week notice period. Hugging and kissing in the office parking lot. It escalated to sex on 02/27.

My WW self disclosed the affair to me on 03/02/2013 hoping I would just let her go. I immediately forgave and went to work on my marriage. She send an email "ending it" the same day. Yep, she told him how much she loved him and would miss him in that email--I did not know how to do it right at the time.

I bought Saving Your Marriage Alone by Ed Wheat and read it. Ordered Surviving an Affair too--read it around 03/20/2013 or so. Did not even see this forum until today.

So I have been working Plan A for 4 weeks--kind of--what I could read and understand--before reading on here.

WW affair continues weekly. She has "broken it off" 4 times now. She means it, but cannot follow through with no contact. She has met the lover at least 4 times in 4 weeks. I picked her up from his house one time and talked to the OP face to face and asked him to back off so we could restore our marriage.

I have just been avoiding the love busters and trying to make deposits. I just read about disclosure today and will prep everything Monday 04/09/2013.

My confusion is with plan A. I set a deadline for 08/01/2013. But then i read about disclosure and demanding an end to the affair--I thought the book instructed me to hang in there and give it about 6 months. If I set a ultimatum i think she will leave--I don't mind saying i am sacred to death of that--but I trust God's grace will be sufficient.

So...a little more clarity on how to best execute Plan A with my WW who will not really end the affair and take real steps to end and prevent comms???

Gotta go now, but will check back here 04/08. Thanks for any advice. 1 Cor. 13:7

MTW,

Sorry you're here. The vets will be along shortly, but for now, please read up on exposure. Your WW is likely continuing in the affair because there is not enough pressure to end it. You have to kill the affair before your Plan A will have any chance of succeeding.

Hi MTW, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. The purpose of Plan A is to kill the affair using a carrot and a stick. Plan A does not mean to enable the affair as you have been doing.

Rather it means using certain tactics to bust up the affair. For example, you should demand that she end the affair or this will lead to divorce. Let her know you will not tolerate continued contact. A complacent approach reflects a lack of caring and that is the last thing you want to convey.

The affair should be exposed to your family, especially children and close friends. It is very helpful if you expose it to the OM's family and to his employer. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing them is disastrous. Exposure kills about 50% of them immediately and in others it hastens their death. It is no fun to have an affair when others are looking on in disgust! The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable. Please go read the thread in my signature for tips on exposure. It will give you talking points and strategies.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Dr. Harley's comments on inappropriate forgiveness and how it harms your chances of recovery:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2510#

You fail in your dealings with your WW for this reason:

If I set a ultimatum i think she will leave--I don't mind saying i am sacred to death of that...

If she knows that (and she assuredly does) she will go on living the dual life - OM ringing her chimes, and you tending to the home fires.

Ultimatums are useless. Threaten nothing; let her find out about your actions AFTER they are performed.

Step one is to assemble an exposure package and deliver it to OM's management chain, and Director of HR. There is no better action you can take right now.

Step two is to assemble an exposure package and deliver it to everyone in WW's life - siblings, parents, friends, co-workers.

Step three is to ruin the life that facilitated her affair. Cut her off from all funds, and accounts. If her vehicle is registered to you, pull the plates and cancel her insurance.

You should have all this done by tomorrow.

Please waste no time debating this with us here. Your knowledge of the correct actions to end this has displayed its fecklessness. Just try ours.

The biggest mistake that people in your (our) shoes makes, is to think that you have to protect your/her reputation and forgo the proper exposure. Sometimes we think that our full time ministry work will be put in jeopardy if we expose. In fact, your marriage will not survive unless you put a stake through the heart of the affair. Exposure is the only way to do this. Marriage is way more important than ministry so please, listen to the experts here and heed their advice. The longer you wait, the less effective it will be.

Also, let her find out through the grapevine. Do not tell her anything. You alone are fighting for your marriage right now. Do not seek advice from the enemy before you attack. Kill the affair now. She will be mad but thats an expected consequence of the affair, not the exposure.

MTW

So sorry for your pain.

Your wife cannot give up the OM on her own. She is addicted. Like any addict, she may WANT to quit, but she can't. She NEEDS you to be the warrior.

You are getting excellent advice here. Follow the plan exactly. Get set for full exposure now. Get it done ASAP. Yes, it may seem counter-intuitive, but do not let your fear stop you. Be the warrior.

You can do this.

Thanks for the quick input and straightforward advice.

I sincerely appreciate your experience and time.

I just did not know this resource was here. I have been reading Dr Harley's book and felt it was calling me to 6 months of all niceness in plan A. I just read about the "stick" half on here last night.

I did read the exposure thread (I think I was erroneously calling it disclosure in my original post) and I am making preparations--wish I'd known all that on day 1. Called 3 trusted peers and none of them advised that way.

I initially read some advice on another website especially the "37 rules" which advises the exact opposite of what I am reading here. Hence the confusion.

Dr Harley has detailed our situ step by step in his book and supported his concepts with Biblical authority, so I trust his advice the most. Actually I prefer strong action, but I feared it would just make things worse.

I have a lot to do and I feel my role in the church will complicate the timing of things a little. Any other Pastors out there want to add any pointers on sequence and timing of actions?

Thanks again everyone. I am reading MeodyLane posts everywhere!

I am not a pastor but I was a leader in my church. I have stepped down from ALL leadership responsibilities at the church until further notice. I cannot concentrate on my marriage enough with that going on too.

Your role in the church should not complicate repairing your marriage. If it does, it may not be the right role for you. The church is/should be ALL about marital relationships coming before ministry. My pastor says, "ministry should be used to build people, not people used to build ministry".

Also, when looking for trusted advisors, look for their success rate in building/rebuilding marriages BEFORE you decide to heed their advice. Most advisors do not have the success rate that Dr Harley has.

So, my advice on the sequencing of actions would be.
1. Execute the MB program immediately
2. See #1

Eph 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church". Thats exactly what this fight is about. Your main enemies will be those that put pride and reputation before your marriage. The MB program, when followed properly, will not allow that.

I hear you loud and clear.

I had no inkling of the power of this thing, so I thought we'd confess, forgive, pray, commit, and restore...and be back on track in about a week. I woke up about this time last week.

I meet with the elders on Tuesday to create a transition plan for my resignation. I was thinking church leaders should know first and not find out on say...facebook???

I am looking for new work now and my marriage and kids is all that really matters to me at this point.

My wife started the affair while we doing the How To Affair Proof Your Marriage in our small group. I could never believe the 15 hours of focused time per week was really doable...until now.

Wow is on point. I know there are a few ministers that have been through here as well. From reading the forums, exposure has the greatest effect in bringing about changes in an ongoing affair. Try to expose to everyone in a short time frame; 24-48h without telling your wife. Then wait for the fall out.

The loss of your wife's good reputation is a consequence of her deciding to have an affair. Do not shield her from that consequence or you remain an enabler. Good luck to you.

MTW, I am really glad you have made it here and don't believe it is by accident. You are correct that Dr Harley's program is backed up by bibical authority. I know of no other program that is as effective as Marriage Builders. Most cause more harm than good.

As far as timing, there will be no perfect timing so I wouldn't waste a moment worrying about that. I agree with your plan to tell church authorities about the affair so they don't hear it elsewhere. It is a good idea to do all of your exposures within the same 24-48 hour time window. And the sooner the better. The longer the affair is allowed to continue, the more entrenched and the greater the likelihood your wife will get pregnant. I would plan to do this very soon, without warning your wife.

I would also suggest you expose to the OM's employer and his parents. If he has a facebook page, you can usually get names from his contact list.

Parents called on our side. Top church leadership informed. Friends and Family email written. Working on FB contacts and Company Contacts.

The OP was in charge of HR and #2 under the owner, so there is little where to go over his head, but I will still write and send letters by all means.

OP has a girlfriend and some adult children, shall I notify them too?

Thanks again everyone.

I would inform his GF, adult children, and inform the owner of the OMs company. The owner needs to know how reckless the OM is.

When you say you informed all your parents, did you ask them to contact your wife about her affair?

I would also tell any children over age 5.

And MTW, when your wife finds out you have exposed, be prepared to see Linda Blair from the Excorcist! She will make all manner of threats so don't let it upset you. Just respond that you will do what it takes to end her affair. There will be no point in trying to reason with her because she is under the influence of an addiction.

I called the parents. I called some church leaders and emailed the board of leaders.

When I start sending FB messages I end them 1 at a time to each contact? From my account or my WW account?

Just to be straight, in plan A then, I...
expose the affair--if WW leaves I go to plan B
demand she stop the affair--if WW leaves I go to plan B
call out my WW every time I discover she sees the OP--if WW leaves I go to plan B

If I do all that and she will stay at home I just keep up the carrot work too.

Is that right?

Thanks again everyone.

You expose.

She may stay or leave.

You can continue plan A either way, as long as you are able and willing. In general, Dr. Harley will suggest men can stay in Plan A longer.

Tidy up your side of the marriage. Make sure you understand the Harley concepts. Be a beacon of hope for a new marriage. The old one is dead, a new one must be built. Lead the way.

So, Plan B is not necessarily an immediate step.

Really read up on the plans. From yoru question, I think you have some fundamental misunderstanding of Plan B at the very least.

Is there a link with a little more clarity on how to do the exposure on FB? I have read 10 pages of Exposure 101 and I am not seeing it.

I PM WW contacts? Can my wife see it/them? How do people "like" it? Confused about this action?