Withdrawal can take a while. Sometimes, symptoms will pop up out of nowhere when you thought it was behind you. I'm 3 months out from D-Day and I think the worst of withdrawal is behind us. I still see some signs but we talk through them and she clears up pretty quickly.

So...I got a call from the owner of the company where the OM works. He is pretty pissed. He went on and on about threatening his co and employees...The owner said it was a personal matter and he would not be involved. I reminded him of the legal and ethical implications of a high level manager getting involved with an admin assistant--especially if medical complications result,...

...but would leave those details in the hands of my legal representation in the "inappropriate workplace" lawsuit that was in process.

It will hit fast.

GPS her vehicle. First chance you get.
Get rid of all your hobby stuff. For now, move it away into storage. You can decide what to do with it later.
Be the domestic partner of her dreams. Put gas in her car (you can GPS during that time). Grocery shop. Laundry. meals. Entertain the kids. Help with homework.

Ask her this question: "Is there anything I can do for you today?"
If she responds with something reasonable, go ahead. If she says "I don't know." (WW's sad face) Give her a cheek kiss and say, "I'm going to make a fresh pot of coffee."
If she tells you to "Go to hell" ... go make coffee.

Rule #1 is - do not argue with her.
You can listen as long as you can stomach it.
But, do not allow her to bait you into a fight.

Watch her like a hawk. Once OM dumps her, she will try to contact him. or spy on him. Or have someone else feed her information for "closure".

"Closure" is a load of horse manure.
Cold turkey is the only way.
She's an addict. She will miss her drug.

PS:

During her grief period, do not try to tell her "I love you".
Save it.
Write it down for later.
She will not be receptive & will probably be irritated by normal stuff.

This too shall pass.

Wow777 it is good to hear you speak of progress and hope.

Pepperband I am writing your advice down and will act on these things...probably to the letter (ex military issues).

She does use a girlfriend at work to communicate. I am sure she will reach out several more times.

Dr Harley's book says things start to get better after about 30 days of withdrawal. I offered a 30 day vacation but she said no.

I have access to her office at work when I visit her there. Should I bug it? Work email and her friends' phone have been primary comm tools. I know most of what I know from intercepting texts on her phone between her and her girl friend when she leaves it laying around. The girl friend is cheating on her husband too. I have been trying to get the work email protocols so I can deliver them to my outlook and leave them on the server, but no luck so far.

OM told her I bugged her phone and car already--she is sure I have.

Have you exposed the girlfriend to her H? I'm not sure what the vets would say about that but if someone knew my W was cheating, I'd want to know. Now may not be the time though

We are long time friends. Both the H and W have had previous affairs. H suspects it now and I told him he should. It is messy. I have just been encouraging both of them to come here. Honestly, I am scared that if I blow the whistle on the W she will retaliate and hinder progress with me and my WW.

Sure. A VAR.
voice activated recorder
BUT there will be a lot of "other" work talk you will have to sift through.
It's probably better to VAR her car.

I just don't get that... why would you be scared of a silly little adulteress when you have the power of God on your side? Do what is right! Dr. Harley says the worst withdrawal symptoms are over in 6 weeks and then are really weak by 6 months out.

I think she is already poison to your marriage. Do you think she could do more harm than she has already done? It seems to me that exposing her to her husband would neutralize her.

Well, you all are right. I'm turning into a great big sissy. I called the H and told him what I know. If the light is good for my marriage it is good for his.

I suspect I still have illusions of some degree of control. Probably best to start trusting God entirely. This thing has really shaken me.

Thanks again for the straight talk.

You got it!

So...any ideas on starting a conversation with my WW tonight?

She will of heard from the OM by now that I screwed up everything at his work. That should be a fresh dose of pissed off for tonight. She will be ranting about how I try to control everything in her life.

I see the couch in my future.

Be pleasant, be kind, and don't allow her to engage you in a fight. And most of all, don't sleep on the couch! You have a bed and you should sleep in it.

What about the OMs parents? Any luck there yet?

And also tell her the OM said he was done with her. Boo hoo...

Still a wuss, I see. Or are you the family dog, that she can tell you where to sleep?

Sleep in your bed. Don't fight about it - just sleep there. You have a right to sleep in your own bed.

"I am trying to save my family. If you expect less from me, I am so sorry."

She won't stay mad forever. Her anger will burn itself out. She can't sustain that. Maintain a calm and controlled demeanor, friend. You will be her port in a storm.

Many of us have been in your spot, MTW. And look at us now!

Keep going. You're doing great.

OH, my goodness. OM is now a liability to his company! Well done, MTW! Sir, I tip my hat to you. You listened, you acted. Do you have any idea of how great the odds are for a successful recovery for you?

We'll have to steer reluctant posters to your thread to show them how it's done.

Well done, MTW.

If you listen to one thing anyone says listen to this. It was the biggest symbol of my marriage. Sleep in the bed.

I had abdicated the bed pretty much before hand and never went back. It is the one thing that summed up my failures.

It is the ultimate in conflict avoidance, the ultimate in being a coward instead of a hero. Might seem small. just a way to get sleep. But it is everything that got you here wrapped up in a tiny bundle.

Think about it, she has an affair and you are still cowing to her anger.

Listen to one that learned the hard way. Make this stand. It is a seemingly small thing that is a symbol of everything that you don't want to be, that you can't be if you want to lead the way out.

You may think I am making too much of this. It is the one thing that makes me look back at myself in disgust.

For me being so controlling, she has a power over me.

The OM parents did call me back. They said they were aware, that they were already discouraging it, and that they would call the OM again tonight and have another talk. It was a very respectful conversation.

I had called another man at the OM's work and asked for the girlfriends name too, which he said he would email to me, but I guess he is the one that left the building 1st today today and told everyone that a crazy scorned husband would be there to kill people--I never insinuated that, but it pleases me. Needless to say, i never got the OM's GF name.

My wife just called me. I think she is acting madder than she really is. Like pride keeping her from admitting this is all helping. I told her good bye twice but she would not hang up...lots of silence..reiterated why I am doing this and how the affair is the real problem. She asked me what I wanted from all this and I told her I wanted the affair to end and a 2nd chance to meet her needs.

I meet with church leaders tonight--most of them will disagree with my exposure, but it is hard to argue with the results eh?

Thanks again for instructing me, and smacking me around a little.