Don't you get that by ending this, you are helping both families.

The worst thing you could do to anyone is know that someone is destroying their family and say nothing.

Don't try to disguise fear with altruism. I tried to convince myself for a long time.

From what you have posted, the information you have about the OM family comes from you wife, who has a reason she might want you to not expose to the OM family.

If you have exposed and verified she knows, spoken with her or communicated with her, why haven't you said so?

Her meaning OM's wife

Why are you averse to contacting OMW and working together with her? All she can tell you is butt out (happened to me). She could be your best ally.

Is there a reason why you won't contact the OMW, the OMs employer and expose to your children and family? I am concerned that we are more serious about saving your marriage than you are.

Obviously the OMW does not have the necessary details about the affair that you do. She should be your greatest ally and could be able to stop the OM from pursuing your wife.

Ok reached out to the OW. She knows all the details and knew about the affair before I did. She is working to reconcile but is not interested in any extended dialog with me at least not right now.

I recommended to Kevin that he write Amy the final good-bye in a letter. I did not want him to see or talk to her ever again if at all possible. The letter had to be written in a way that was acceptable to Lee. It was to be short and to the point. It was to begin with a statement of how selfish it was to those they love so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it would be the right thing to do. Then Kevin would explain how he cared about Lee and his children, and for the sake of their protection had decided to completely end his relationship with Amy. Kevin would promise never to see or communicate with Amy again in life and would ask Amy to respect that promise. Nothing would be said about how he would miss her.

The meeting is a bad idea. There is a right way to end the affair and get closure. You and your wife need to write a no contact letter that is approved by you and send it. Then you need to follow up with extraordinary precautions to ensure that there is no contact.

From SAA:

If you haven't ordered SAA you should. Kevin and Lee's story is about an emotional affair. Dr. Harley is clear that an emotional affair is just as devastating as a physical affair. The steps to recover your marriage after an EA are the same; a no contact letter followed by extraordinary precautions to ensure no contact.

I have made the time for us to spend together but my wife is having a hard time opening up. She gets very angry and withdraws if I want to talk about the relationship. I asked her why and she said its because I have done a complete 180 and she is right I have. I was laying it on way to heavy too soon but I have pulled back a bit to give her space. I have no illuzions this will take time to mend but i do not want to miss an oppourtunity either. My gut tells me to give her the space she needs.

Lee wanted to quickly straighten out whatever had been missing in her marriage. That's what most spouses do when they get over the shock of discovering that their spouse was unfaithful. If it was sex that was missing, the spouse wants to offer more and better sex. If it was affection,it's more and better affection. If it was conversation, more and better conversation. A spouse is usually willing to do whatever it takes to regain a wayward spouse's love. But these initial efforts to meet the wayward spouse's emotional needs are usually ineffective during the first few weeks of withdrawal because the spouse is so unhappy.

I warned Lee that there would not be much she could do to cheer up Kevin. Her love and care for him during the first few weeks of his separation from Amy would probably seem to her as a wasted effort. However, after the worst symptoms of withdrawal began to fade, those extraordinary precautions I had recommended would help Lee and Kevin redeposit love units into each other's Love Bank.

marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal is ended

Ok everyone knows that is relevant including the OM's employer. I plan to have a face to face with him today if possible. I need to hear from him some of the details I dont think my wife knows. I need to hear the guys perspective. I think he told my wife what she wanted to hear to get what he wanted and needed. My wife is still in denial and has said she is completly turned off by me phsically. I know in time that will change but I think the biggest part of that is there was no real closure with the OM. After my meeting with the OM if I confirm what I think I know I am thinking there needs to be hard closure possibly the three of us face to face.

Again, your gut is wrong. She does not need "space" Continue to meet your wife's needs as in Plan A. Do not expect much during withdrawal.

From SAA:

I have made the time for us to spend together but my wife is having a hard time opening up. She gets very angry and withdraws if I want to talk about the relationship. I asked her why and she said its because I have done a complete 180 and she is right I have. I was laying it on way to heavy too soon but I have pulled back a bit to give her space. I have no illuzions this will take time to mend but i do not want to miss an oppourtunity either. My gut tells me to give her the space she needs.

Ok everyone knows that is relevant including the OM's employer.

"Closure" means to close, not OPEN. Your wife should never ever see or speak to this punk again. There should not be a 3 way meeting. You close the door by closing it. She should send the no contact letter outlined in Surviving an Affair and that should be the end of that.

What did his employer say? What actions will be taken against him? You are very vague and I am not sure what you mean by "his employer knows."

Do you want to save your marriage? Because all I see here is a person who is following his own plan and making it up as he goes along. As such, you are making strategic mistakes. Do you want our help, Sir, or are you here to blog?