Thanks for answering. I would take that up a notch and notify the medical service and the clinic by registered mail. Ask them what they intend to do. The contractor will bury this scandal and you don't want that to happen.

Did you inform your children?

His kids and wife. His wife told me his mother knows as that is where he currently lives. My wifes best friend knows. My parents are dead and my wife only has her mother and brother and she is estranged from them. My kids know. I assume the wife told her kids and the mother but I did not ask i will do that.

Kids know. What are your thoughts on contacting him directly nobody else just he and I? I have questions only he can answer.

WCG,

My advice is to send a typed LETTER to POSOM's employer, and make sure to CC it to the pres, VP, director of HR, etc. so they can't sweep it under the rug.

Just telling you "we'll speak with him about it..." is not enough.

And my .02 about speaking with with...why bother?

Good men do NOT sleep with married women -- it speaks volumes of POSOMs character, or lack thereof...there's no sense you'll speak TO him, and only nonsense you'll get FROM him...

I agree with helpfordad. If you do want to see the OM, you go there with the intention of telling him to "Back the H3ll off" and if you ever find out he's contacted your wife again, you will make his life very, very difficult

yes....what BP said...that's the only purpose to "speak" with the POS.

I have some questions but that is the main intent. I think face to face so he knows I am dead serious. My questions may get derailed but that is ok.

What questions...and why do you believe you'd receive the truth, or that it's worth 'debriefing' about the whole ugly mess from this POSOM?

No relationship talk while she is in the affair, (in contact), or in withdrawal, which may take some time, longer than you want.

This is what will happen:

You: "We can make this work, be better than ever"
Her: "No we can't"
You" "Yes we can"
Her: "No we can't"
You" "Yes we can"
Her: "No we can't"
You" "Yes we can"
Cannot
Can too
Etc.

I know this is hard, it was my biggest failing, but I will tell you this, without reservation.

Talking about it will get you nowhere. You will not be able to talk or reason your way out of this. If you are like most couples, she has heard the talk before, and look where you ended up.

The ONLY thing that matters now is action. What she sees in you.

The hard part is, even if it is really there, she won't see it for a quite a while.

This is hard, but you have to do it this way.

I guess that is the guy in me. My wife thinks it was absolute love on both their parts. I think different. I absolutly think he took advantage of her and I want to hear that from him. I think he will tell the truth because I can destroy his career and his reputation. But first and foremost I want to tell him in person do not contact my wife. If I dont get to my question then thats ok.

Talking to WW about the relationship while she is still in the fog or in withdrawal is like telling a heroine addict that life will be great now that he's quit the drugs. His life is in turmoil during withdrawal and he wants nothing of this good life that you speak of. Only to get back the good life that he knows (the drugs). Your WW is the same way right now. Back off on the relationship and get her throuogh the withdrawal. Look for the signs of withdrawal (anger, guilt, depression, hopelessness), help her manage those with gentle encouragement about her, not the relationship. Watch carefully for her attempts to connect with POSOM somehow to get another fix. Keep spying. You are the only one with a clear head (or you should be) at this point.

Get rid of your expectations too. Especially the expectations of what this meeting with POSOM will do for you. The only thing I wanted to do was pound POSOM's d!^% into the sand, not hear how good my wife was in bed or how much she told him that she loved him more than me. That'll kill you man. Think long and hard about that before you meet with him. HE IS YOUR ENEMY!!!

Thats just about how our conversations go. We had a good talk last Sunday and she started out real cold. But as the conversatin went on I could see her attitude change just slightly. But you are right until the withdrawals wear off I just need to keep meeting her needs.

WCG,

I was where you were once (heck, I still go through this)...but understand that your W, if she hasn't realized it already, will one day soon know and understand that it was NOT love.

And yes, of course the POSOM took advantage of the situation and went in for the easy prey -- what kind of charcater do you think these punk OMs are? However, that will be tempered by the fact that she'll know that SHE ALLOWED IT. No need to 'hear it' from the OM.

Focus your energies on killing the affair, and being a safe landing spot for your W for when the fog recedes.

Unless your 'conversation' is a brief warning as BP stated earlier, I feel you're wasting your time trying to psychanalyze the POS...there's no place for him now.

(...and what WOW said...)

Than a brief warning it is. Thanks

If you feel that's necessary....

I'd first pour my energies into an effective exposure to OMs employer, family, friends, etc. as Mel mentioned earlier.

You're doing it again. You were asked a very specific question and you responded with a very vague answer. You did this when asked about informing OM's employer.

Once again: Did you inform your children? Did you do this personally, or do they "know" because their mother told them you and she are "working out some problems"? What did you tell them? What words did you use?

Please don't respond that you "told them about the affair". I want to know whether you told them that their mother was kissing/having sex (whatever words were age-appropriate) with another man, and that this is bad behaviour when people are married, and that this is why you and she are arguing/fighting/not getting along. Did you tell them you are working to keep the family together?

When you told them whatever you told them, how did they respond? Have they ever raised the subject with their mother? You should not go out of your way to encourage them to do that, but if they do show her how upset and worried for their family they are, this would be good additional pressure on her.

How did she respond when they tackled her on it, if they did? Most WSs are embarrassed and ashamed that the kids know, and this works to your favour.

So, details, please, so we know this was done correctly.

I think that what you mean is you want YOUR WIFE to hear that from him, and that now you have been given the green light by some posters here to talk to him about the affair, you plan to carry on and have a 3-way meeting.

You are going your own way here so far, and this is at your peril. As MelodyLane pointed out, you seem to be here to blog and not to follow the MB plans that we are coaching you through.

Dr Harley, founder of MB, stresses the vital important of the WS never seeing or hearing from the affair partner again. That means there must be no meetings in person and no final phone calls to say goodbye.

If you are confronting the OM only to tell him that hell is coming his way if her ever contacts your wife again, that's fine and recommended by Dr H. However, if you want to hear what he says about the affair you should stop being so naive.

If he tells you that this was just a fling, will you believe him? How will you know that he isn't saying that because an angry husband is standing on his doorstep? How will you know that he isn't saying that just because he sees you as beneath contempt and wants nothing to do with you?

If, alternatively, he tells you that he loved or deeply cared for your wife, how will this help you?

If you go back and tell your wife (assuming she isn't with you) that he said it was just a fling, will she believe that this is the truth? If he told her passionately when they were having sex that he loved her, wouldn't she be capable of working out that OM described it as a fling to get you off his back? She might even think that either you or he is lying and contact OM "to find out the truth".

The conversation about the affair that you plan to have is pointless and a waste of energy. Accept that the affair meant a lot to your wife and use the MB plans to turn your marriage around so that the significance of it fades for her over time as your marriage is made better than ever. Keep her out of contact with OM and let her go through the withdrawal phase, and then work on improving things.

Accept that OM believes he owes you nothing and will do nothing to help you or your marriage. He may or may not have loved or cared for your wife. Assume that they cared for each other, and then work your hardest to make your marriage overcome that.

Please ask for advice on the MB plans, rather that putting your own plan here for our approval.

Thank you, SC!

I was hoping you and NG would jump in here because I think I remember you two (among others) helping me as well when I was 'distracted' by wanting to know what POSOM felt or thought about my W, or the same with my fogged-out W, instead of being focused on the MB program only.

If memory serves me, it's been stated before that whatever the clear-headed BS knows/understands about it NOT being love, or taken advantage of, of being a fantasy, or whatever...after the fog clears the WS certainly knows this, and much worse, because it was he/she that ALLOWED it to happen, made this destructive choice, and now must live with the consequences.

(and BTW -- your WIFE does NOT really need to hear this from the POSOM...in her de-fogged heart, she KNOWS what OM thought of her, how OM 'cared' for her, byt the way he treated a married woman...another man's wife, a child's mother, etc.)

A meeting with POS matters little now, unless to run him off...

I would contact him, but did you read my comments about notifying top level executives in his company and in the clinic?

And once again, you are being vague. The kids know exactly WHAT and were told by WHOM? It is very hard to help you, WCG, when you are so vague and unresponsive.

I will give you my exact story, from my perspective. You can substitute your name in where you think it fits. Basically they are all the same.

Married 20 plus years. Three kids. A lot of activity. A lot of doing things at the same time(Note: that doesn't necessarily mean together). Generally just going along, bumping in to each other for sex every so often, having some good times. But the things she needed that I wasn't giving, didn't understand, didn't care, whatever, took their toll. She fell out of love, probably long before the OM came in the picture. Then he did.

I will disagree with some of the earlier posters. The definition of "in love" is ethereal, but do not fool yourself. She was in love with OM, and he likely with her. And she likely hasn't loved you for a long time.

I often caution BS's against this. MB gives hope and a plan where none existed before. But it does not provide a foregone result, guaranteed. That is why following the plans, being the man you probably wished you had been before, is vital.

Be that, make her see something that she thought she'd never see. What she saw then, well, that is why you lost her. Make the changes and pray she sees something to return to.

I am not trying to discourage you, just the opposite. I want to keep you on point.