I LOVE this idea, FF!

If you want to sell some guns as a symbol of what you are willing to do, that sounds like it may be good, I really can't judge.

But I wouldn't spend it on something like a wedding ring or anything yet. It will likely result in "You make me sick" or something on that order with a WW in withdrawal.

I got some similar type advice from well meaning women in the beginning, coming from their perspective as a BS or FWW, and in my experience they either didn't know or had forgotten the mind frame of an active WW.

That stuff won't work.

The wise BigKahuna said this back on my thread:

"Telling his wife in withdrawal how much he loves her will cause her to throw up."

I agree, your mileage may vary.

This is a good time to talk about the two types of resentments. MTW be sure you operate your marriage carefully to avoid Resentment A (1) below.


Your W shouldn�t be asking you to keep your guns if it causes her pain only because she wants you to not resent her for it.

1). You keep your guns because you love them. Your W is neglected aka you hurt her.
2). You sell your collection to avoid hurting your W knowing you could resent her for it.

I got home late from the church leaders meeting. One of the leaders has had an affair--amazing how transparency begets transparency--so he said exposure was best and few could argue, so only 2 objected. They object on grounds it smears the WW and hinders her restoration. I assured them nothing smears a WW more than the affair itself, subsequent divorce, and rampant gossip that follows. That meeting went great and they asked me to stay, but I intend to resign in 8 weeks so I can concentrate on my marriage and family and not the flock.

I went home and went to be, but I could not change the sheets as she was already in there...in her clothes...been crying. She barely said a word about it.

She woke me up yelling at me at 2am. Now she is mad like you guys spoke of! She got news about the OM catching crap at work. What a blessing, she said "Are you trying to get OM fired?" I have never seen her that mad ever. Shaking mad. "I'm leaving your controlling [censored]" mad. She was digging under my skin trying to get me to fight--oh heck it was working but I did not want to leave the bed so I just stayed as calm as possible and reminded her the affair was the problem. She used more F words last night than i have heard from her our whole 23 years. She is working on a budget and trying to figure out how to move out...but, she mentioned the kids again this am. I asked her if she was coming home today and she said yes. When I asked her what I could do for her she said nothing right away, but then mentioned a few things the kids needed--I told her I would handle it. I started seeing cracks in her anger before she left this am already...I think, I hope.

I checked out her laptop and there is nothing of interest. I believe it is all happening on her iphone. She seems more protective of it now. I will use the same software mentioned above--it is installed and ready.

I'll get a VAR today too.

She came down and snooped on my computer this am. She is worried about what crazy thing I might do next. That is a good thing, right?

I did not tell her about this forum, but I mentioned I am receiving counsel and not acting viciously on my own. So now she aks "Did your stupid counselor tell you to do that?"

The knife collection is a much bigger issue than the guns. I have about 500, so it'll take 2 months to get them sold, but I'll start listing them. I was already planning on it, but lacked the gumption to do all the work necessary.

She said her mom offered for her to come stay with her for a few weeks in MO. Should I encourage that right now?

Thanks again you all, your are a life saver in all this for me.

Yup.
Same thing goes from the perspective of the betrayed wife.
When my still foggy wayward H would say "ILY" .... it was bile-inducing.
My sarcasm was instant (back in the pre-MB day) .... "Yeah? As much as you LOVE OW?" Pep made this face ~~~> .... a LOT !!!!

Mr Pep made much better milage into my soft zone when he would ask: "Is there anything I can do for you today?"

As I suggested before, for now, write love letters, date them, and put them away for later .... like in a year.

How shall I put this?

HELL ************** NO!!!!

You have been listening, right? You really already knew that, didn't you?

Possibles:

Do What?

No, the Bible suggested I turn on the lights.

Were you hoping I would lie for you?

What is the purpose of secrecy?

Are you talking about Sue's boyfriend? (use OM's girl friends first name whenever you speak of OM. Do not use his name, but his GF's name)

Define stupid. I know what I think is stupid. What do you think is stupid.

There is no reason you need to take her babbling seriously. Just resist laughing in her face.
Once her head has cleared, she will not believe what she said to you.

This insanity is temporary. You need to remember that.

Have you cancelled her credit cards yet?
Cut off easy money.




*ka-ching* Love Bank deposit. You can't do this if she is with her mother.

MTW, I would not encourage her to visit her mother. You need to be together in order to recover. Her mother does know about the affair, right?

As far as selling guns, is it is the presence of guns that is the issue or the amount of time you spent on this hobby? I don't think that selling off guns is too wise in our current political climate so if you don't need to sell them I would hope you wouldn't.

As far as the hysteria in the OMs workplace because you are a bad, evil gun owner, all I have to say is good grief. Law abiding responsible gun owners can't be responsible for every hysterical kook out there.

Once the A is killed dead ..... and her anger/resentment is becoming wearisome for her to carry around , and her love bank has some sweet deposits by you .... THEN your lovely wife is ready for us. We can help her too. But right now, it is way too premature. She'd just get uber-pissed at us in her current state of foolishness.

I agree.
I suggested you put the guns in storage to POJA later when your wife is sober/sane and working as your team mate.

You know, you are right about selling some guns to buy a ring. I forgot how fighting mad I was at my BH at first.

So just keep that idea in your pocket for a calmer, later date, MTW. Someday your wife might swoon at the thought that she means more to you than your sweet tricked out gun

You have a good chance here, and you are doing everything right. When she will allow you to meet her needs and start filling her lovebank, then it will mean a lot more.

And I'm guessing if you are anything like we are, selling one or two guns doesn't harm your ability to protect yourself and your castle......(we're in the double digits )

Press on. Stay calm. Don't respond in anger. You are doing so very well.

FF

Those poor people were literally afraid for their own lives, and you are saying it was appropriate for MTW to take pleasure in that?

Why not? I sure am enjoying the situation, and I did as little DIRECTLY as he did to make it happen!!!

NO (legal) THING that ruins an AP's life will ever cause me to feel remorse. If this complication leads to POSOM getting fired, I see Chuck Norris making a PSA for the NRA from the account!

LOL @ NG (again)

I'm listening. She responded to texts from a good friend of mine this am (another Pastor we trust) and she told him she was going to leave me for awhile. Said it was not about the OM but that she needed to get away from me. Not sure if she means apt or mom's. He told her chemo is crazy radical treatment for the cancer victim, but saves lives...kinda like my exposure emails and our family.

I wondered if 2 weeks at moms might be good since it is several states away--no access to OM. Her Mom and Dad have lived in total withdrawal for 15 years--they are not relational wise at all. If you say no way I trust that and will discourage it.

I have not told her I love her since I read not to a ways back. I'm taking the whole family out for a nice dinner tonight before my son returns to his Naval duty station--I'll invite her to come along.

Anger for a week you said right? Then grief and addict withdrawal for 6 months +-? Is there a 3 week accelerated program, I'd kind of like to get this over with:).

As soon as she gets a whiff of OM .... from any source .... the timeline is screwy.

Keep her and her little-ol'-love-bank home, near you.
The kids will not appreciate her leaving to go off to "find herself".
Watch her.
Expect her to be unstable.

Thanx, Ms Band!

As for your portrait of WW:



I'm afraid the wrong ends of the llamas are shown as doubled up.

I think this displays WW better: