Yes, Joyce read me email on their radio show. It was the end of the broadcast so they didn't have time to address it. I spoke to Joyce on the phone & she asked if my husband would email her to get his take on the situation. My husband emailed Joyce as requested a week ago but as of today we have had no response. I'm sure they get tons of emails from desparate couples so I listen to their radio show everyday hoping to get bits and pieces of their valuable advise. I'm just so grateful they are helping couples save their marriages. They are both such a blessing.

Hi Jrodz,

I can identify with your situation. Its offensive. Taking action as others have indicated and getting the entire truth is crucial.

Your husbands is using good guy grooming behaviors to catch women's attention. An uncanny ability to zero in on needs their coworkers spouses aren't meeting? Rescuing, fixing things, compliments, conversations of a personal nature?

Gaslighting you? Well, he's probably gaslighting these co-workers...."I'm in the doghouse" "My wife isn't so happy with me right now" In other words, I'm sort of becoming available.

Its a matter of time before one of these exchanges goes rouge.

Why is he placing you on the outside of a triangle?

Your marriage needs a culture of safety.

A sharp look at risky behaviors and radical honesty.

I feel as if I am partially responsible. My husband and I started dating when he was 22 and I was 28(with a 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship). We look thing very slow. We dated for 6 yrs before we got married, but in my gut I kind of felt that someday it would be a problem that he never had any other serious relationships. Looking back now, at 22 he was still in college and really had no life experience.

Jrodz, I would forward them your husbands email with your original email to make sure they made the connection. Sometimes they get couples confused because they get so many emails.

You have been married for 13 years. Does he really strike you as someone who is insecure? If he had never planted that seed in your mind, is that how you would describe him?

He has always been very insecure. Even when we were dating. He would always say, "I can't believe someone like me got someone like you". When we got engaged, he would always say, "thank you for saying yes". He has always commented on how he doesn't think he is attractive. I think maybe in high school and college he felt insecure about his appearance and wasn't confident around women because of that. He was always such a gentleman even when we began dating when he was 22. He would hold the door for woman, notice a new outfit or haircut. I think over the years he just figured out that being "the nice guy" is a way to get the attention from women that he never got by being tall, dark and handsome. Woman have always told me how lucky I am to have such a great guy. Now he uses that to boost his ego. Pretty much leaving our marriage open for disaster. His needs are getting met because his ego gets boosted and their needs are getting met because they get noticed. He also loves being the hero at the office. They all come to him for every crisis they have and he goes above and beyond to fix it. He gets so much praise and recognition that even the men in the office think he's great. All this praise just keeps feeding his ego. But he's not even an [censored] about it. He has always had great work ethic so he just brushes it off as...I'm just glad I was able to help someone....uggh

Could you answer this? Thanks

I have been snooping for about a year now. I have all passcodes and I haven't found anything...no concerning texts or emails. He doesn't really talk on his phone except for conference calls(and I listen in on those)which are all work related. He leaves his phone out and has never appeared suspicious. However, that really doesn't make me feel any better since he has finally admitted to me that he has gone on "business lunches" alone with female coworkers and has lied to me about it. And has also lied about "dinner meetings" whith several coworkers while traveling on business. Just shows me the level of deception.

Changed user name.

Shows me a level of conflict avoidance.

If he hasn't cheated yet...it was only a matter of time. He felt entitled to have his cake and eat it too under the premise that what happens on work trips stays on work trips. He's enjoyed the attention and company of other woman and feels he's somehow immune to cheating. Thus, he tells you, his insecure, jealous and possessive wife NOTHING about what really goes on during his work trips lest he have to put up with [more] grief about it. It's likely the biggest lie he's told is to himself being that he had/has it [his fidelity] under control all on his own.

He lies to you...because he compartmentalizes things. He lies so he can be the good guy and keep the peace at home, maintain his job (that he likes or loves) and to allow him to keep doing whatever he wants while away on business (entitlement).


Problem becomes...NOW that he's told the truth [presuming he hasn't actually cheated which 50-50 in my book of odds)...his biggest conflict avoidance fears are coming true...he FEELS like this is one big unnecessary conflict [read: punishment] for telling the truth when in actuality he's NOW finally given you information which you BOTH can use going forward TOGETHER to address this very serious problem....which [if you don't discover an affair] is really him traveling for work and the very real risks involved.

Focusing on BAD HUSBAND that lies (presuming you don't uncover infidelity in this process) doesn't fix your marriage as fast as saying "I'm going to work on my end that creates an environment where you feel you need to lie to me while you [husband] work on agreeing and following through with not actually lying and the maintaining secrets thoughts and feelings.

I truly hope you've gotten lucky and busted up this slippery slope BEFORE it resulted in infidelity, however, sometimes it's harder to convince the other party that where it was bound to end up when, to them in their own head, it never even got close.

I'm rambling a bit and didn't get time today to go back and fix this post to more succinctly make my point(s). Point is...I'm a reformed/reforming conflict avoider with a somewhat jealous possessive wife. I've spent years lying (though I thought I was splitting hairs) trying to avoid conflict where I knew/thought I wasn't doing anything wrong. I THOUGHT it was easier to avoid the truth or lie than endure the effort I thought it would take to make her feel more secure with the "innocent" things, thoughts and feelings that did transpire.

It's really hard for a conflict avoider to say..."I work with ________ and I need to be really careful around her because I find her very attractive". Conversely, it's also really hard for a spouse that tends towards the more jealous possessive side of the spectrum to say "You do, thank you for sharing that with me...how can we best protect our marriage from such thoughts/feelings for ______".

Please note === IF he actually cheated...than he's playing the nice guy game with you while cheating behind your back and all this conflict avoiding talk is out the window ('cept to the extent you want to work on it in any recovery you choose to undertake). He lies/lied to protect his butt.

Mr. Wondering

Yes, I listened to that one and was disappointed that it ended without any resolution. I was hoping they would get back to you. Sometimes you need to send a couple of emails to get through. If you do not hear from them in the next couple of days I would have your H send his response again. If you still don't hear from them, you can let a moderator on this site know and they will let them know.

someone copied and pasted my one of my posts and sent it to Joyce. It was regarding the fact that I feel my husband is addicted to the the attention he gets when he meets the emotional needs of women in his office. Joyce and Dr. Harley addressed it on the air yesterday. Dr. Harley's thoughts and comments validated everything that I have been feeling but could not make sense of. My husband has always felt that because it was neither physical or emotional than it wasn't considered an affair. I could never understand why I felt so violated and betrayed. My husband's behavior was opening the door to a physical/emotional affair. Although it never came to that point, his behavior was certainly welcoming it. I am so grateful for Dr. Harley's comments. I listened to yesterdays broadcast along with my husband and he now understands the pain his behavior has caused. He is commited to putting precautions in place. I am hopeful but cautious. Thank you so much to whoever sent my post to Joyce. I hope the discussion has helped you as well.

So the saga aka pain continues. My husband has decided to look for another job because "there is too much history at his current job" He got this job a year and a half ago after the company he worked for for 14 years which he left in 2009 made him a great offer to come back to work for them. It was the big break our family need financially. So if all he is doing is "innocent flirting" why would he be insistant on leaving? Well, he has agreed we need to follow Dr. Harley's program in order to heal our marriage...and in walks radical honesty. He informed my this past Friday that he has fantasize about having sex with her. I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach. Everytime we have these painful conversations I feel as if we can begin to heal and then something else is uncovered. I feel as if I need to word every question carefully or he will omit information. I have asked him over and over again if he has feelings for her or finds her attractive. He now says you can fantasize about someone without having feelings for them. seriously?? Is that suppossed to make me feel better. He said he doesnt know if she has feelings for him or if she is also physically attracted to him. I feels as if he was man enough to play with fire however a coward when it came to making her aware of how he feels. I advised him to tell her how he is attracted to her while I am listening and she is on speaker phone with out knowing I am listening. Is this a bad idea? I have a feeling she doesnt feel the same way although she probably is aware of his infatuation with her. I would love for him to have to tell her with his wife listening. I think I would enjoy hearing him be rejected. Am I going about this the wrong way? I told him he was pathetic because he has been grooming opportunity for an affair to happen but hasnt been man enough to follow through. I told him to "go for it". Basically, if you are feeling froggy than leap. I told him I would hate to think that you ruined our marriage and destroyed our family for nothing & didnt even get laid. I asked for radical honesty and I got it. I guess I needed it but I wasnt equipped to hear it. I we became very nervous and uncomfortable at the thought of making that phone call. He asked if she could make the call after he left the company and was at another job because it would be so awkward to see her after that phone call. Ha, yeah I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable...poor baby. He agreed to call if Dr. Harley felt there would be a purpose to it. He said he doesnt want to know how she feels about him because what is she feels the same. He said he has no interest in being with her...aka coward. Please help I feel as if I have so much hurt and anger that I am not handling this properly.

Have you read any Marriage Builder's materials? Have you read "Surviving an Affair".

Your husband was honest with you. Good. You responded poorly, in a way to make it not likely that he will tell you anything in the future.

Your husband should never see or speak with this woman again. Calling her on the phone and telling her about your husband's feelings is one of the worst ideas I have seen in five years of reading on this website.

AM

The second question of this radio clip is about a H telling his W he is attracted to another woman. Please tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on a Husband Telling his Wife He's Attracted to Another Woman

What day did they read your question on the show?

Did your WH ever hear back from them?

I think I may have found it. Is this it?

Radio Clip of hopeful99's Question

They read my email last week...Kathy. And read my husband's response email at the end of Fridays show...John

I am not able to get the segment to play...uggh. I know its a bad idea but not knowing if she feels the same way about him is killing me. I guess I feel like its a warped approach at exposure. I don't want to make bad decisions in response to his bad decisions. I email Joyce because they addressed my husbands email at the end of Fridays show and I feel they may continue with his email on todays broadcast and of course he didnt email them and tell them he fantasizes about her.

They are sending me a copy of Love Busters.