This man did nothing wrong. He threatened no one. He has been assaulted and it is not responsible for lies told by his wife and her punk OM. It is a slap in his face to blame him for the slander and lies told by his tormentors.

re: "Anger for a week you said right? Then grief and addict withdrawal for 6 months +-? Is there a 3 week accelerated program, I'd kind of like to get this over with:)."

You are wishing for a quick fix, and there are no quick fixes in recovery. Before the affair your marriage was in trouble and chances are your WW was already in withdrawal. Dr. Harely explains the process of recovery in marriages that are in trouble--where infidelity has NOT occurred--is a lengthy process where the spouse in withdrawal goes through periods of withdrawal (indifference) to anger to renewed love and back again through anger. This process takes time. When infidelity is involved, there is also the OM to compete with.

Rebuilding a broken marriage requires patience and time. Thankfully Dr. Harley equips you with a plan for success. If you use Dr. Harley's principals and your WW comes on board, you will have a renewed and happy marriage. Getting her out of the fog and on board is your task right now. Follow it through without expecting results other than you yourself are becoming a better spouse and person.

Somebody nailed it down perfectly earlier.


MTW,

The reason I suggest that you dramatically reduce your collections, is because over time they became something you showed you valued more than your wife.

If I were to venture a guess, I would say that you withdrew into your hobbies because your wife also had other interests that she scuffled you for; very likely your children.

It's very common for a husband in a child-centered marriage to retreat into his own Recreational activities, and as his Love Bank balance dwindles into withdrawal, the Reacreational Activities become more attractive than his wife.

In this situation, many wives become resentful towards those recreational activities.

Mine did.

So, the day that I got the ILYBINILWY speech, I uninstalled all of my computer games, cancelled all of the accounts, and unplugged my game system.


Her foggy head spun, and the line was repeated nearly verbatim by another poster;

"But, but, but.... THOSE ARE YOUR FAVORITE THINGS!"


No, dear. You are more precious than these things, and I will not forget that again.

Went to an interview and the thread went crazy.

The piece on the Art of War is crazy good--thanks.

The piece on short prayers is crazy practical--thanks

The piece on sin, hardened heart and dying soul is crazy scary--but still, thanks.

The arguing about scaring people at the OM's work....well it does no good to scare innocent people, and that is wrong, so the writers concerns are valid and duly noted. Still, I like it, but it is wrong. I made NO threats. The guy in the front office got scared of his own accord--probably because he saw the affair happening and felt terribly guilty--left the building and started a rumor...which caused others to leave...which caused the owner to call me. Geez, just typing it blesses my heart afresh. So rant and rave all you want about it, it sure makes my day better!

When you have your guts stomped out by an affair, a little slap on the face is not felt.

WW does not really like guns, but she EDCs a .380 for protection and is bad news with it. She does not dislike them. What she dislikes is the time I spend trading and talking about guns, knives, reloading, and politics. I was more passionate about that dumb crud than her. She said many times I was distracted. I neglected her the attention due her...the OM did not..crap, regret is the 2nd strongest emotion I feel.

I will call the Mom (not MIL) and ask her to delay the visit until we can come together...maybe part of the 30 day trip...just maybe...

My kids are going to send messages to the OM tonight and tomorrow I think--to add guilt to the pressure.

I have NOT discovered how she got the info about the OM at work--emails are clean. had to be on her phone, text, or FB, maybe my FB??? I changed my FB password today. She was snooping in my sent items folder this am when I got out of the shower.

Got the VAR today. Gotta learn how to work it now.

Keep the advice and encouragement coming. Gotta run.

Um... dude... isn't this what I have said, exactly.... TWICE?

No. Her place is with you. You can't work on this while you're apart. She doesn't need 'space'.

Thank you.

Not directed to YOU maritalbliss,,but as a general comment---

How about some help, using Dr Harley's concepts & principles, to rebuild his marriage!!!

Just to clarify;

My suggestion to sell the collection would remain the same were it Beanie Babies, Coins, or Raggedy Ann Dolls... whether it was a husband or a wife.

It is pretty standard MB advice that when a hobby or recreational activity interferes with UA time, or causes resentment within a marriage the solution is to END THE HOBBY/ACTIVITY.

It has been suggested about Golf, Video Games, Political Activism, Collector's Pins...


The actual hobby or activity is irrelevant when compared to the damage potential it carries in a broken and/or stressed marriage.

WW is getting about 20 calls and 50 texts or FB messages a day now. She gets seriously pissed each time one comes in. She is getting madder and madder about the exposure. It has ruined the fun of the affair for now though, and this is the longest she has gone without seeing him since things got physical--a whopping 7 days.

The OM's workplace has been on "lockdown" for the last few days. Surely he is catching hell from everyone there...I hope.

WW is getting info about OM's workplace from another lady there in the office via phone calls.

I'm intercepting texts and some conversations over the phone indicating she is very serious about moving out to a friends little casita. When I asked her about it, she said it is not about the OM, she just needs space and to prove she can make it alone, and get out from my control as a weak codependent. The lady she is talking to at the OM's work is a strong lesbian. Move out day was going to be today but my son leaving for deployment with the Navy got in the way. I asked he to give it 5 days and then move out next Tuesday if she still thinks she has to. She agreed. She nets about $2k per month. Casita will run $500.

So...does this put me in plan B when she goes? Questions....
1. what is the best way to handle bank accounts?
2. do I need to file legal paperwork?
3. do I continue to plan to snoop?
4. love actions for the next 5 days?
5. I want to keep her at home as long as possible right?
6. She wants to keep the new car, and I think it is a good idea just because it is a $350 per month payment and will be a burden to her--but it is in my name, what do you think?

I am really hurting with this and I have a lot of things to do, so if I can get some advice on the best way to prep things for her departure without having to do hours of research that would sure help.

One bite at a time ....


Sell it.
She will stop making payments and you will be stuck.
How old is the "new car"?

She wants to keep the new car, and I think it is a good idea just because it is a $350 per month payment and will be a burden to her--but it is in my name, what do you think?

WHAT DO I THINK?????

I think if she moves out to Casa Sappho, she goes on foot! Non-negotiable, unaddressable pending a divorce settlement - your (titled) vehicle stays with you!

And while you're at it - did you isolate all financial accounts from her access yet?

Close all fast/easy credit sources. Yesterday.
Divide the current fluid assets into thirds.
Take 2/3 and put into a new account. Leave 1/3 in the current WW-accessable account.

Do you have a bank safe-deposit box?
Get one.
Put stuff in it.

Marriage license.
Birth certificates.
Deeds.
Pink slips.
Passports (hers too).

Keep the car and don't help her in any way. Move your money to a safe place so she doesn't plunder you. Just tell her you love her and don't want h to move. Tell your children and family and friends that "WW is moving out so she can resume her affair without interference."

Do they take adultery into account in your state in divorce actions?

Yes. You continue Operation Investigate until YOU enter Plan B. You only enter Plan B by your slow & deliberate and well prepared decision. Not yet. Too soon by miles.

Naturally. You're in Plan A, aren't ya?
She has NOT closed her bank to you .... so keep making those efforts. Flexing your MB muscles is very "Leadership" worthy of you.

Correct-o-mundo, kimo-sabe.

She's like Dorothy who does not know the power of those Ruby Slippers.

"There's no place like home."

Probably not.
Do not allow her to take the kids.
Once she tries that skunk-like behavior (messing with the kids), jump to the legal agenda.

MTW - a question.

Is WW still wearing her wedding rings?
If yes ...
If no .... put those in the bank box too.
And, take the wedding/family albums to a safe place.

They all know OM's name, correct?
Regarding the minor children still in school .... YOU go to their school and ask to speak to the dean.
Tell the dean about WW's infidelity and her decision to abandon the kids for OM.
YES, it is vital !
Ask the dean for his/her support. Ask the dean to tell you right away if anyone notices any change of behavior in your children. Give the person in charge YOUR contact information.
Tell the dean that your #1 concern is the health & welfare of your children.
This is vital.