This is what I needed to hear. been thinking it, but sacred to death of it.

I have an outstanding defense Attorney, I will contact him for leads.

Dad is out state, but i will have him call OM parents.

Me and few kids will visit too--great idea.

What do you think about calling the OM's work on Monday and requesting a meeting with him? If he accepts I'd just go in and tell him he needs to stop all contact. I think being on campus will un-nerve everyone there. Even if I just call, it will send waves through the place for a second week in a row. Thoughts???

Should I send the OM a pic of he and WW together? With something like "This needs to stop. Comms lead to meetings. Back away and give our marriage the space it deserves. 0 comms period."

You rock Mel--thanks so much.

Herb--I think like you.

Like i need to save some feelings for the 6 mos-1 year it will take for the affair to crash. She is extracting massive withdrawals...I don't want to stop loving her..but I feel it starting.

The books aid you will actually feel better in B, but a lot of posts/stories on hear make it sound like a hotter level of hell.

I hold out hope that the game has been played well and the affair will crash in 6 months--right or wrong--that is the hope I hold to.

Still, I will work Plan A as long as it makes sense, but i reckon the next big thing for me is to just let her go/be willing to let her leave.

Heck, I am just balling while I type this.

A well worded "lawyer letter" sent to OM's employer ... sounds good to me.

Have you spoken to your physician about help for anxiety/depression?
Part of Plan A is self care. A LARGE part.
Do not neglect your "TAKER" .... Your Taker will eventually disrupt your Plan A unless you follow the self care rule.

This talk about "physical self help towards OM" is your TAKER revving up to ambush your Plan A for your own satisfaction.

Take heed.

Hang in there, brother!

I can tell you that you are doing much better than I did, and much quicker in your actions, than I...

The cracks in the fantasy bubble are there, and will continue to grow.

Keep the heat on as NG suggests...and do anything Mel or Pep or Marital direct you to...

Go visit his parents TODAY. Don't wait.


That might be good, but FIRST go tell your wife NOW you are seeing an attorney next week about bringing a lawsuit against the OM's company. Are you an A of A state?
Start feeding information to your wife that scares the OM.



Forward the email to the OM and cc his boss, his parents and tell him he needs to leave your wife alone and stop pursing her!

If not mistaken, he answered this earlier.
No.
"No fault".
I think he said Arizona.

hmmm, apparently, adultery is ILLEGAL in the state of Arizona!!! http://www.theblaze.com/stories/201...ail-time-under-states-anti-adultery-law/

Arizona Revised Statute 13-1408

A. A married person who has sexual intercourse with another than his or her spouse, and an unmarried person who has sexual intercourse with a married person not his or her spouse, commits adultery and is guilty of a class 3 misdemeanor. When the act is committed between parties only one of whom is married, both shall be punished.

I am scared to death of them. My brother went suicidal. I drink 4 beers and the whole world is fine.

I feel like the exercising is for me, to give back to me.

I have people checking in with me almost everyday, sharing the load a little.

This is great advice from Herb. Plan B may be necessary at some point. It all depends on your state of mind. Some need to go in sooner rather than later.

Profile name changed.

Dad set up to call OM parents tonight. He will probably call the OM too.

Me and 2 Daughters headed to see OM parents now.

Message left with a laywer I trust in the area.

Will send the email to OM work and boss 1st thing Monday am.

Thanks again for the support.

Way to go!!! Saying prayers for you, my friend.

F-bombs in your future.
Wear your helmet.
Maybe your haz-mat suit.

Hi DBD

My husband got through most of your thread, and was taking notes so he could perhaps speak some encouraging words to you....but alas it became a trigger for him. He hasn't been on here for a long time, for that reason, but I thought enough time had gone by...

Sorry ! But I'll be back and I'm still cheering for you.

FF (my husband is Learning2Cherish and he says the same)

Me again. Learning2Cherish asked me to write these things to you. I will put them in quotes since they are his words to you:

"Remember that your WW was GOD'S daughter before she was YOUR wife."

"I realized I lost FF's heart long before she ever had an affair. At first I thought I had to be better than OM. But then I learned that it was getting my own heart right, and trusting God to win His "little girl's" heart back."

Also he asked me to give you these verses, which helped him in the thick of things:
Eph 5:25-29
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Ps 46:10
Jer 42:10-12

DBD,

I'm the husband of FindingFreedom. I finally made it through the whole thread (I started earlier today but had to back off for a bit when I triggered on the whole jewelry thing.) Yes, it has been 20 months and there are still triggers for me now and then.

As I reviewed this thread, I noticed many similarities in our stories. I spent 20 years in the Air Force, planned on entering full time ministry after retiring and meanwhile scratched that itch by serving in many areas of ministry as a layman. I, too, assumed my wife was �invincible��that she could handle anything. I failed to be her shelter in the storms of life. I, too, �ignored her� and �neglected to treat her like the treasure she is.� I did not meet her EN for communication and instead of encouraging her, wore her down with criticism (DJs). I did not recognize how controlling I was (SDs)�telling her how she should feel or should not feel based on biblical principles. I thought I was being her spiritual leader but I was being a spiritual bully. As I look back, I can see selfishness was the root. I just wanted to fix her problems so they would not weigh me down. I failed to listen to her with the intent of knowing her heart and of being her champion. In short, I drained her love bank dry with DJs and SDs and fell completely short of making the EN deposits she needed.

You opened your thread with 1 Cor 13:7 (�[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres�). Are you prepared to persevere, for years if necessary? You need to understand you spent at least the last three years neglecting your bride (�distracted,� �disillusioned with your career,� pursuing your hobbies). It probably began even before that. What took 3+ years to tear apart will not be rebuilt in weeks or months. You acknowledged that thinking �we�d confess, forgive, pray, commit and restore and be back on track in a week� was unrealistic. But I am sensing you still are expecting too much too soon. I know I did. I relate very much to your statement that you were �hanging on her every word, touch, facial expression for some sign of improvement.�

If our marriages are as alike as I think they are, then I believe the following advice is applicable to your situation:

1) Steel yourself up for a long, long recovery. Here are words from Dr. Harley, specifically to me that I�d venture to say are very fitting for you.

2) Keep making the changes you need to make but stop doing it with the expectation of seeing changes in your wife. Hope for it, but stop expecting it. Else she will still feel you are trying to control her.

Just be there for her. Smile at her. Listen to her but leave her alone if she does not want to talk. Give her space. Work on the things you need to work on and do it because you want to be more like Christ, not because you want to elicit a response from your wife. Keep a tender heart toward her. This is your opportunity to learn to truly love her unconditionally.

James 3: 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.

Closing word of encouragement from �How to Survive an Affair� article by Dr. Harley (Chapter 13 from His Needs Her Needs�the story about Alex and Elaine), closing paragraph:
------------------------
A person who discovers his or her spouse in an affair experiences one of the most severe blows anyone could possibly sustain. It also sends both partners on an emotional roller coaster. But when a couple follow my narrow path to recovery, they often tell me that they have built a better love relationship than they ever would have had if the affair had not jolted them into constructive action. The affair provides the traumatic trigger that finally gets the couple to meet each other's basic needs. Once they start meeting those basic needs, their marriage becomes what it was supposed to have been all along.
------------------------

Increased risk of suicide/suicidal ideations are a risk with medications, but even those of the same class don't effect everyone in the same way.

You might also talk to your physician about an as needed beta blocker. It's an off-label use, but they do help with anxiety.


Exercise is good. Good rest. Eat well. Make sure that when you have nothing else to do that you are busy with something so that your mind doesn't have time to wander.

Sorry friends, been hopping with things.

Thanks for the words FF and L2C, I look forward to hearing more from you. I am totally lost on what to expect, say, do, force--I yearn for restoration, WW yearns for that feeling of romantic fun love...like she has with OM.

Marriage Builders CREATES that feeling of romantic, fun love. That is what we can promise her if she stays with you and follows this program. Your old marriage is dead and gone, we will help you create a NEW one.