My Dad called the OM Dad. OM Dad said he was agaisnt it and was not unaware any further contact had been made since i called him. Said he would check on it.

Me and the girls went to see OM mom and dad but did not make it--long long story, we were deterred. but, WW knows we went and was peod.

My son in the Navy PMed the OM on facebook--it was very hateful.

WW knows I called an attorney and I am waiting to here back and draw up some preliminary papers for charges related to criminal adultery, affection alienation, and sexual harassment in the workplace. I beleive OM will get word of this through WWs friend.

WW is absolutely livid beside herself. OM is just hiding in her skirt.

So here is where I got twisted. WW begged, hounded, bargained, with me to not file the suit if she broke off all contact. I started with "I will do what ever it takes to save our marriage and protect our family" for the 1st 4 hours. She called friends to come over--they all reasoned with me. So...I finally compromised with them all. I said I would continue get the suit in place, but would not move forward with the suit until WW or OM moved forward with the A in any way. They move, I move.

WW promised to break off all contact. Gave me a few passwords i wanted. Removed all pics of the OM from iphone--and sobbed for 4 hours on Saturday over the loss of those pics.

I checked txts, phone, gps, and vehicle VAR. Everything checks out. OM was communicating very coldly--just saying it was over and not to contact him unless WW was in physical danger. OM said no more comms because he would lose his job. No more I love you so much or other lovey dovey BS from OM since last Friday 04/05.

WW is not happy or motivated right in any of this. She says I am a huge A-hole control freak and that i have "won" by controlling the hell out of everybody. Says she hates me and loves OM but will stay with me because she loves OM too much to see him get hurt etc. I keep affirming I can change, we can rebuild, I can meet her ENs once the affair is dead.

I asked her to get away with me for 7 days and she agreed. We leave for a mountain retreat 8 hours away on Monday. She is in WD since 04/05 because OM has not communicated any love or hope since then. She is dragging pretty good.

7 day trip means WW may lose job, and primary means of comms with OM and $ for moving out.

Sorry for the book. Advice? Next steps?

What shall I focus on in the Mtns the next 7 days?

Thanks again all--it is a lot to read and endure. I appreciate you.

Sounds great! I think you should roll with it.

I would also follow up with the OM's parents and ask them to tell their son to leave your wife alone. Tell his dad he CONTINUES to send her messages and you are prepared to file a lawsuit against his company for sexual harassment, an A of A suit and file criminal charges for adultery if he doesn't leave your family alone. Tell him you sure don't want to do that, but will do what it takes to protect your family from this terrorist.

I would also INSIST that your wife change phone numbers and email addresses so RATPUKE can't contact her anymore. She has to cut off all avenue of contact - if she refuses you will know she is not serious!

My apologies to RATS for the insulting comparison.

would not move forward with the suit until WW or OM moved forward with the A

Well, this MIGHT work if WW is honorable and can be held to her word....

Says she hates me and loves OM but will stay with me because she loves OM too much to see him get hurt etc.

...but obviously she isn't!!! Excuse me, but in which screwed-up universe does a married woman TELLING her husband she's in love with another man NOT constitute continuing her affair???? The typical weak-minded WW has been known to keep the affair alive in her heart, long after physical contact has ceased. Your goal in HURTING him is ultimately to have him tell her he HATES her, that she was the worst thing that ever happened to him, and that he never wanted to see, or hear from, her again!!!

You have been PLAYED, dude. You listened to people (PEOPLE?) in your living room instead of the EXPERTS here, and the Words of God from the scriptures. Does Mrs Donothing from next door have ANY experience in killing affairs - dead, stone-cold, putrefying, dead?

Do you only read the posts that align with what your WW wants to do? My counsel of yesterday predicted this exact development, and yet you dove into the "make-nice-compromise-cess-pool" and are drinking of its filth!

Like you, I also withheld full retaliation (I was not yet here!), and got away with it because POSOM called my (then) WW that first afternoon, crying that I was going to RUIN him, and damage his family, making a total [censored] of himself, demonstrating that he had no qualities that she could admire. (Read my story for the gory details.)

You have no such victory in your pocket!

So there is an important insight here. The counselor we saw right after D-day said something similar and prayed that God's love would be revealed to my wife. I have prayed similarly many times.

Are you saying she has to believe in God's love again too/first? She can't just love me again--that is nary enough, she has to know God's love more/first/too???

This is an issue that has been largely ignored and I feel is of importance.

I figured I'd hear from you on this. I hear your point. The OM is telling her to leave him alone, and it is having a powerful effect on killing the fun of the A.

I figured it can't hurt for him to be cold and unloving over a period of time. If i play all my hand now there is nothing left. If they do start trying to connect when thisng cool down i have a few cards left to increase the heat and continue the misery.

Not sure if all at once or constant pressure is best, but I do think if I'd pushed harder I'd got little more negative reaction--just have less cards for the next hand.

No doubt though, this scenario is not what I'm aiming for. It does leave the consequences with WW and OM though--not my terrible controlling donkey.

The way I see it, the OM is plenty motivated to end it, it is WW that lacks the proper motivation. Continued action against OM looks like vengeance. Still, I do wonder.

I'll see what 7 days away does. If I am back to where I was 2 weeks ago I'll just pick up where I left off.

Well if that isn't a case for alienation of affection, I don't know what is. Is it really being vindictive? Or are you shielding him from consequences?? That one is tough, but I agree that you should have just done this without discussion with the WW. You showed your hand too much and the black and white got gray.

Over the next seven days, I think you should do lots of walks and talks. Nature is awesome for reminding how GREAT our God is! I'd invite the wife to pray together. Keep discussions light and focused on rebuilding if you do get around to discussing the relationship... Again try not to cry.

My posts are from the perspective of a BW and one of my top ENs is affection, so I can see that my past posts about being affectionate are probably colored by my own desire. I'd go with the voices of experience with their advice on the level of affection you should display toward your wife, since she is not receptive right now.

Try to have fun.

Unfortunately, affairs wreak havoc with spirituality. You have many supporters who are instruments in revealing God's love to your wife and to you. Those who are willing to tell the truth, speak up against her behavior and intervene for the marriage reveal God's love and purpose for our lives. Your wife's friends who convinced you to "back off" are not supporters of your marriage.

My advice for the trip away. Get off the communication grid as much as possible - no cell phones, no internet access,, no tv. Spend as much time as possible as a couple in a pleasant environment, doing things that you both like to do.


AM

This is true, DBD, they are not supporters of your marriage. The bad thing about this arrangement is that now your wife can accuse you of being controlling and will just go further underground with the OM. Amazing how wayward minds work: she bullies you into dropping the suit and then accuses you of being "controlling." Is that not about as insane as it gets?

On the other hand, if you just filed suit [or went through empty motions] she couldn't accuse you of being controlling. For example, I would call her bluff. Tell her you don't want to be accused of being "controlling" so you are filing the suits and going full steam ahead. Go ahead and leave if you want.

Because if she stays just to "protect" the OM the affair won't die on its own, it will only die because you were "controlling" which will keep the fantasy alive.

As far as being being "vindictive", I assert that screwing someone's wife is vindictive. Protecting yourself from the devil who is trying to destroy your family is not "vindictive," it is your moral obligation as a man and a father. You will do what it takes to keep this RAT away from your wife.

I think you should tell your wife you have rethought this agreement and will be filing suit against the OM. Tell her you don't want to "control" her affair. If she wants to continue her filthy affair, go for it. But you will do everything in your power to protect yourself and your children from her destructive actions.

And no, your wife does not have to renew her relationship with God to find love with you again. All adulterers are cut off from God.

Uhh, didn't you say they were texting just a couple of days ago.

So, she is not in withdrawal yet, or maybe is just starting, if NC has really started. You won't know until there is never any contact.

But this is beside the point. You continue to refer to things as if you are gonna just mark days off the calendar and when the quota is reached then this is over. Like taking a round of antibiotics; take them all for the prescribed time and it will cure the illness..

You better stop looking at the calendar, expecting things to move along a a pace the is repeatable. It doesn't work that way. Honestly, from the sound of things, the hooks between your wife and OM appear pretty deep. You had better keep doggedly making sure the difficulties of keeping the affair going, that the cost of doing that business remains high, because you haven't even come close to making sure it is dead.

One thing that I think gets glossed over on here, or outright misrepresented, is the fact that your wife is in love with the OM, whatever that really means. Don't minimize that. If she had her choice right now, she would make it where she and he could have a life with no repercussions. The repercussions are all you have going for you. All you have going for you.

So, quit counting the days til the end, just try to survive until then. You have a long way to go before you even know how it will end.

You need to understand this, her trying to contact him and him saying stop is still contact.

No contact is when she has changed her phone number, email, etc. to make contact impossible. If she hesitates, she is holding on, and NC has not started.

Another reason not to count dates, because you won't even know when it really starts, to be honest.

OM left the door open for her to call him and is still trying to be her protector. Seriously, your wife should call the POLICE if she is in danger...not some weasle OM.

Have you thought about locking up the guns and knifes somewhere out of the house so they can't play that card anymore? Until things settle?

I suggested "storage" on the first page of this thread. I don't know if that ever happened.

Just catching up here...

DBD: what Melody said @ 8:15 AM.

To a "T"...THAT'S how to play this and kill the A once and for all!!!

I agree, that a WW does not need to get things right w God first in order to find love in the marriage again.

I think that my husband meant that you can't make her change, but you can change YOU (clean up your side of the fence) and trust God to work on your wife after you have done the necessary steps to expose and kill affair. But I'll let my husband address that, not me.

I will tell you from a WW perspective that your wife is still high as a kite. Because she is still in love with OM (Ratboy as Mel says )she is going to be clawing and scratching her way back to him soon. The sooner Ratboy throws her under the bus, the quicker she will see that Ratboy actually IS a rat. She still thinks he is Prince Charming.

Pressing on with your plans to make Ratboy's life hell will make him throw your WW under the bus. Throwing her under the bus will make WW see what a Rat he really is. Win. Win.

I know what I am about to tell you from experience.

Exposure puts pressure on the affair. Contact can stop. But the avenue is still there. The pressure lessens with time, just because everyone kind of forgets about it and eases up. The affair is crippled but not crushed. Facebook is there, phone numbers aren't changed.

Then, there is a "Hey, how are things"

That's all it takes.

Crush it, no quarter.

The account of the wandering in the wilderness gives so much to live one's life by. The manna in the desert.

Also, the complete eradication of the enemies, or their perverse way will pollute you forever.

Eradicate it.

I agree he has a long way to go, and I wanted to address the issue of her being in love with the OM. I don't think anyone is under any illusions about that. That is just an inherent trait of an affair. Rarely are they not "in love." That is the rule, rather than the exception.

In the tricky business called "Plan A", the BS must present him/her self as a much better option than the adultery partner while doing things to kill the A.

If the choice comes down to an excellent fatal affair-killing "stick" .... if it is legal and does not violate your integrity, do it.

Some betrayed spouses fail here because they don't want to "appear" mean, or vindictive, or controlling, or crazy, or bitter, or needy, or whatever description/insult the adulterous spouse may use. We've heard them all.

If there is a nuke to kill the A, use it. Wanting to kill adultery is not the same as "controlling" your spouse. She may still leave, but the adultery will be dead.

DBD, if there is an "All Star Team" of MB peer-counselors, I think a majority of them have just posted to you the same advice:

Empty your entire clip of actions into the body of OM, NOW!

Do NOT talk to WW about "Why" beforehand. Whatever sense of "betrayal" she might express can be easily dismissed by asking how she felt about "betraying" you by going "heels up" for POSOM.