Ok without hashing too much.

Married 21 years, now separated, wife says she's disconnected, not sure what she even wants. Has LOADS of family issues, and work issues that coincide with the family issues. Teenage kids always needing attention. Her life has no breaks for time for herself.

She says she wants to try MC and try to save the marriage, see's one that basically dealing with just the family issues for the time being. She tells me she cant expect me to wait for her to get resolution with those issues, but would like me to wait for her anyways. I know there hasn't been any cheating, she doesn't have time. Although there could be a "friend" that she's facebook with? She asks for me to be patient.

She's shut off her facebook, has been reading tons of books, and according to what the kids tell me, in bed pretty early, but still non stop texting.

The MC has said that working on the marriage for now is off the table, but maybe eventually they will address it, but she has too much to deal with for now.

Im just very confused at what im supposed to do, cause im the only one left out of the conversations.
Am I supposed to be the supportive husband, the patient father, or am I the plan B? Is/will the 180 be effective here? does it have nothing to do with me?

Someone on another forum suggested I post here for advice. Tyvm for reading.

So her basic complaint about YOU is that she doesn't have enough time for herself? hmmm, that doesn't make any sense. Can you tell me EXACTLY what her complaint is about you?

And what do you mean when you say you are "separated?" You moved? She moved? What?


And your wife is having an affair.

Her complaint is that I didn't help around the house, with the kids enough. She felt lost in the workload. And said she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I moved out since I already knew I couldn't take care of the kids myself. Since the move out, 6 weeks ago, I've been taking cooking classes, handled all the kids school to and from duties and changed my work/life around to fix what she had said she had issues with.

I am sorry, but she is having an affair. And moving out was the absolute worst thing you could possibly do. By leaving, you just made it harder to save your marriage and made it easier for her to carry on her affair. Her goal is replace you with the OM. Many judges frown on men abandoning their families as you have. It hurts you legally and greatly harms any hope you have of saving your marriage. Her "complaints" about you are concocted and not very serious. They are all things that can easily be fixed, but notice she is not willing to work to repair them. And that is because they are not the real problem. The real reason she wanted you out was so she could have her affair. She was attempting to blame the demise of the marriage on you so you wouldn't focus on her affair.

Check out this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2697653&page=1

Shes going out of town next week, do I move back in? And not tell her?

Also how can I expose something I don't know about, she doesn't have a computer, and her cell phone is on her work acct. that I have no access to.

Thumpered,

An affair is like a padlock on your marriage, before you can get back in the padlock has to be cut off. Your WW is ADDICTED to whatever OM is in the picture, get yourself back in your house so you can find out who OM is and kill this affair.

While WW is in the affair believe NOTHING she says. The highest probability is that it is someone from work, I'm not a psychic if I'm right, it's just the odds.

God Bless
Gamma

Can you hire a PI? That would be the best way to find out. A PI can usually uncover an affair in a day or two and get you all the information you need. It is well worth the money. The other way is to sneak a GPS on her car along with a VAR inside. If you can get access to her phone, you could sneak spyware on it.

Just go home now. Move right back in without warning. She will be furious and may even call the police. But the police cannot force you to leave your own home. They might ask you to leave but you just tell them you have no reason to leave your own home and fully intend on being peaceful.

I would not ASK your wife if she is having an affair. Just quietly get the goods and find out as much as you can. Then come back here and we will give you next steps.

She probably does have a Facebook account but has just blocked you. How was she accessing Facebook if she doesn't have a computer?

Dude, you have just been given a ticket to the Betrayed Husband thrill ride. You will not enjoy the twists and turns. But, you are aboard....

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Thumpered,

Shes going out of town next week

What is her stated purpose, chances are good she is meeting either her nearby OM to consummate or her long distance internet OM to meet in person for the first time.

God Bless
Gamma

I feel for you man. So sorry.

Read and heed though, these folks on here can really help you.

Ok, after reading the post yesterday I moved back in, WOW SHE WAS NOT HAPPY. She screamed and shouted, never seen that side of her in 21 years. Things didn't get better when my 17 year old daughter said, "Mom, your a cheater and a coward". According to a few friends, our kids, and my own FB, she deactivated her FB acct. a week after I moved out.

I guess I left out a detail, didn't think it was that big a deal at the time. We work together, actually she's kinda my boss too. I own a small construction co. She works for her dad, running a good sized apartment complex. And with this economy, its 90% of my business. But she does all my billing/workorders/payroll. Needless to say, we can see each other all the time, and her dad (who happens to have already picked a side - mine)sits 10 ft. away from her.

She has a car, but NEVER has access to it cause my daughter takes it, and almost never brings it back. She walks the 100ft to/from work. We live in a special 2 story manager building on property (townhome).

Looking back at posts, its IMPOSSIBLE for me to get access to phone, guards it like a hawk. I know she locked herself in our room when she saw me home, and texted till 2:30 a.m. but the phone isn't in our name, its password protected I guess. I see no bills or have no access to account.

edit: btw she has been doing facebook on her smartphone thingie, iphone5? Also I didn't ask why she was going out of town cause i'd been doing the 180 thing, and it said not to ask.

Never say never, my friend Do you have access to the computer that she synchs the iPhone with? That's all you need to see what she's been doing on there.

Bingo, bango - you have two powerful allies already! Your daughter, and (possibly) your FIL!

Ditch the 180. Use Marriage Builders.

Your daughter knows your wife is a cheater, but you don't know who the OM is? If you haven't figured it out yet, find out who OM is. Is the phone the business phone? If so, ask FIL for phone information. Tell him you believe your wife, his daughter, is having an affair and that you want to bust it up and save the family.

Why is she going out of town next week? Is it business? Can your FIL prevent the trip?

AM

My FIL just showed me 6 months of billing from her phone, I looked over the numbers, theres nothing there. A couple of girlfriends, that I know and talk to myself.

The reason my daughter called her a cheater is cause I told her "mom might be having an emotional affair, which means she talking to someone about us, a talk that she cant have with me, I don't think your mom's really cheating on me, but if cant figure out whats wrong, it could end up being a real affair".

My wife found out about her dad giving me the billing this morning, her response "I'm so tired of being called a cheater, I've never cheated, I am just burned out by a lousy marriage of communication. I've been just trying to find myself, theres not a day that goes by that I have 5 minutes to myself".

BAD ADVICE! The 180 is one of the dumbest plans I have ever seen in my 12 years here. Just think about it, an affair means you are completely emotionally detached from the cheater, so how is MORE detachment supposed to solve the problem?? It doesn't!

So find out where she is going and with WHOM. It is obvious she has met someone on the internet [an old flame?] and perhaps is going to see him on her trip.

Who is she texting?

Can you get her phone and read her texts? Can you be quiet about the affair and get some spyware on the phone?

Accusing her of an affair without evidence is a big no no because she will just get sneakier.