I will commence my Svengali-like transformation of LongHaul.

She can hold her own.


I truly wish it would work. I would say that I'm insulted that he thinks I'm so weak-minded and easily swayed by all you "people on the internet". But that he thinks I'm weak-minded is obvious, and I haven't done much in the past to prove otherwise.

I'm certain that I'm going to live up to my screen name. Wish he would have.

I just want some peace. I want someone who WANTS to love and care for me, not someone that constantly has to be reinforced.

I want a husband that encourages ME, instead of always the other way around.

I told him that I have lowered my standards for so long. I don't even recognize the person that I've become. Now that I've raised the standards again, he either doesn't want to meet them, or he can't.

Or he meets them (after a fight), and then I continually hear how I "made" him to it, it's "never enough", I'm "restricting" him. Then I hear he "gets it", untiil 2 or 3 days later when he doesn't, again.

I'm afraid it is TOO entrenched in him, and that the man I married, the man I long to have back, is gone and will never return.

I still hold out hope that there is some shred of the man I used to love. I still hope that he can find a way to me, but I can't continue living this way. I want some peace. I can't rely on him to help me recover, I've got to figure out how to do it on my own.

He also needs time to figure out what he really wants, because I think if he really wanted our marriage and me, he wouldn't be holding all the resentment for the things he's had to give up (job, motorcycle, contact with MIL). I feel he'd be excited about doing anything that would make our marriage stronger and me happier.

I believe he's not fighting for our marriage right now because he does resent all these things. I bet the minute I'm gone, he'll start undoing all the conditions and EPs that are set up - take the motorcycle off craigslist, drinking, talking to his Mom, talking to lots of females, etc. Because they are just too hard and a big part of him doesn't want to change.

I'm afraid I'm still doing what I've been doing for five years - holding out hope, believing in something that is temporary at best, just his manipulation at worst. And I've been so careful not to discourage him, he's so easily discouraged. I've tried to stay positive, because I can tell it brings him down. Since D-Day, I've changed ME. I've been meeting his most important needs (SF, RC) and have been meeting them WELL. I've been spending more time with him and DRAMATICALLY less time on the internet and hardly ever watch TV.

Don't misunderstand. He's made many changes as well. I have constantly praised him for what he's done, and the steps he's taken. He's been praised on the forums and by other people as well. I am truly proud of him. I do feel loved from some of the steps that he's taken. But, he's also right when he says that it is "never enough". I want his ATTITUDE to be different.

I think I want what something he isn't willing to give, or maybe he just can't. Maybe the 5 years of betrayal and lies have permanently changed the man I married.

I'm just really sad.

He has the mindset of control and manipulation. I remember when I was still talking to my WxH after exposure and before I was in Plan B.

He used to say things like...what are you bipolar...why are you so passive aggressive with me...I can't live under your tyranny anymore...!

The reason he said those things to me was because I was standing up for myself and he could no longer manipulate me. Because he didn't like my boundaries (they held him accountable)...my WxH would then have to change his life to try and get out of the uncomfortable feelings he gets by being held accountable.

I conjure onto this forum because I feel not only reinforcement for the boundaries I set in my life, but also because I can relate to many on here. Like minded people perhaps???

The greatest thing I learned by reading "Boundaries" and studying the bible over the past two years was that freedom of choice allows us to love the most. No one can make us do anything...in a marriage boundaries protect each other tremendously and give the partners the ability to love the other freely and without coercion.

You will come out of this Stronger because for the first time in a long time you have the ability to freely choose the path you want. That self power is freeing.