I concur as a active duty military serviceman. It is encouraged as a coping mechanism not officially but withing the circles of friends. I know of people who swapped porn on HD. Also, know of a soldier who was raped because she swapped porn with another male soldier. The porn was rough sex and he thought she wanted him to do that to her. I am highly disappointed that the military doesn't prosecute adultery like it says in the UCMJ. It's a double standard and affairs are encouraged. Did you ever file an IG investigation?

Save your questions for recovery. You'll get nothing but lies now. Later, when he's serious about winning you back, he'll tell the truth. In the meantime, asking is an even bigger waste of time than therapy.

Confrontation is a totally different thing. Once your snooping turns up something solid, we will help you come up with a plan to confront him. The reason you shouldn't just leap in and confront him instantly is that you may want to use that source of intel again. You'll need to confront in a way that protects your source.

I did not mean to throw you off as far as what can be done now. You likely do not appreciate the sense of time within my post to your thread.

Your mission these days is to take really good care of yourself. Your husband does not have the capacity to meet you needs or care for your marriage with him right now.

You need to see this chaplain to help expose and end the destruction to the individual (your husband) and the violation to you as well as his country. After all, this is what 'the enemy' has sent him home with.

Its YOUR duty now to deal with this enemy. Your husband is down, he is impaired. He can't appreciate the lovely things you do, the lovely way you look and all you represent right now.

When your H is shaken out of the fog you will be able to question him more thoroughly and perhaps find meaning in the experience for your relationship so you can go forward.

But for now, his military branch needs to help him through this difficult time in an affective manner. Don't let them be part of the problem-- make them be part of the solution.

I'm not part of anything military but I appreciate your husbands fellow soldiers here at MB are trying to help you. Take their orders for or on behalf of husband and this country.

Its appalling our military are encouraging their own destruction to 'get by' short term. ***EDIT***

A reminder to posters that the purpose of this forum is to help posters understand and implement MB principles. This is not a personal opinion venue. If you can't do that, please refrain from posting.

Bits,

I am a retired Army Colonel, married to a retired Colonel who retired as a consequence of his affair. Our marriage is recovered as a result of using MB plans.

I just read your entire thread and believe that your husband indeed did have an affair while deployed. Much of what you have described, less the solicitation, sounds alot like my husband.

Does your H still work with this Captain? Are they in the same unit? Keep snooping. I think it is likely that you will turn up something current that has gone underground.

AM

Thank you. I will respectfully refrain.

Porn surfing is NOT encouraged...it's against the rules. What people do on their own time, on their personal laptops is hard to police.

Affairs are bad. Nothing degrades the morale and cohesion of a unit quicker. These are big no-nos, but some people are good about keeping it under wraps.

Thanks for all the replies. It has been a stressful couple of days. I just now managed to put the VAR in his car. Hopefully that can turn up something solid since it's impossible for me to get on his phone, and his computer is as clean as a whistle.

To answer a couple of questions: I have a call into the Chaplain here. I am waiting for a call back. He does not work with the captain now. He did not go over to Afghanistan attached to a unit--but was individually moved for the position. She is not in his unit here. So at least he does not work with her.

I have been trying hard to keep up the Plan A, but it is difficult. He is distant and moody. Yesterday he picked a fight. I am sorry I took the bait. It devolved down to talking about the captain which I did not want to do as I have no proof and so cannot expose or do anything so I find it mentally exhausting. Basically he just wanted to tell me how he continues to be mortally offended that I ever suspected him of anything. At one point I was crying,reminding him how in the midst of it when he knew I suspected an affair he had requested I send him the ingredients for brownies because the Capt. liked to make brownies "for the guys." His response: "So what, you were sending me a box anyway!" Unbelievable. Even if nothing was happening why would he not have the sensitivity to know that if I am suspicious that would not help? It felt like flaunting. I mean, basically he was asking me to finance and make his affair partner's domestic cozying up easier. If I am not badgering about this, but trying hard to be good to him and not love bust--why on earth is he continuing to bring it up? Any ideas I can use to deflect this sort of thing so I'm not drawn into these fights? I can't stand this level of anxiety for much longer.

Anyway, I need this recorder to turn up something solid, or if by some miracle he is telling the truth--put my mind at rest.

Bits,

Good job on getting the recorder placed and calling the chaplain. Will you be able to check the recorder on a regular basis?

I can tell you don't have much of a "poker face". Don't talk about this woman and don't lose your temper. You cannot be drawn into a fight if you don't fight. If you need to, leave the room saying something like, "I can't talk about this right now. It is too upsetting."

You said that your H picked a fight. What did he say that started the fight? And you said that your H does not work with OW. How far away is she? Is it possible he can still see her during work hours?

During his A, my H was terribly moody and distant. The rest of the family joked about dad's "gassy look" and before D-day, I suspected all kinds of ailments, from stress at work to cancers. He looked terrible, gaunt and hollow.

Also, before D-day, my H used to talk to me about OW. He told me jokes that she had said, about her family vacations, about her daughter. I now recognize that affairs are much like drug addictions and H's talking about OW was the equivalent of "taking a hit off the crack pipe". Just talking about OW got him "high".

Finally, while activated and living away from the family, my H watched a great deal of porn. H later said that it would make him feel good for a time, then he would feel really badly, watch porn again, feel worse. It was a downward spiral, adding to the self-loathing.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? the material about lovebusters, especially angry outbursts?

AM

Bits,

Were you ever able to get a keylogger on the computer?

Does your husband travel away overnight?

Were either of you married when you met?

My apologies ahead of time for the t/j, but I need to share.

Armymama,

I appreciate and love your posts.

Thank YOU. May you always stay on MB.

Thanks, BrainHurts. I hope there is some good to come out of the three years of misery that H and I experienced before we re-built our great marriage.

And thank you for all you do! And may you always stay on MB as well.

AM

As a very wise TV character said many times, "Anger is a choice." (Judge Hardcastle)

He can't fight with you if you don't fight with him.

Hello everyone,

Thanks for your continued posting and support. I won't be able to check the VAR every night, because basically I have to wait until the middle of the night when he is sleeping and get up and do it secretly. I need either solid evidence he is carrying on or evidence that he is doing nothing.

His computer is squeaky clean so far. I have a question. When I found out about the porn I insisted he install a porn blocker. Now that I am trying to catch him and trying to make him at ease so he will make an electronic mistake if something is happening--should I tell him it's okay to take the porn block off? I feel hesitant to do that because(for reasons I can't really describe)knowing he was hooked on porn disgusted and killed me in a way that the suspected affair partner didn't. I don't want him to return to that. But if something else is happening like a real underground affair I need to know.

Also, regarding his seeming boredom and UA time. I want to reconnect with him. Too much of our time together is spent reading or watching TV. I know that is not optimal. We need to have more actual interaction. I have been trying to arrange activities that I know he likes but am being rebuffed. For instance, he loves sports and in the past he excitedly took me to baseball games. I mentioned that the local team was having a game this week and maybe we could go. He said no, he wanted to wait until May. Why he wouldn't say. The weather forecast this coming week is for the high sixties and seventies--so that can't be it. How am I supposed to get back to being his favorite RA partner if he will not do things with me? Even things he love lose their appeal for him if they are associated with me.

Armymama or any of the army guys (or other guys)if your husband used porn heavily, how was it for him to quit? Did he have withdrawal? Guys, how long before your attention turned back to your partner?

Thanks

Any suggestions?

Bits,

First, leave the porn blocker on forever. There is no reason to take it off and even less reason to tell him that you are taking it off.

I don't think my H had withdrawal from porn. Before we retired, we had alot of time apart with schools, TDYs, deployments. H used porn when we were apart, but very little when we were together. H quit entirely after I found out he contacted his affair partner 16 months post d-day. H stated that he thought viewing porn was a precusor to adultery and he would never look at it again. That was more than three years ago.

I don't think your H is in withdrawal from the porn. He may be in withdrawal from an affair partner or in my view, is more likely in contact with an affair partner. I think that would explain his reluctance to do anything fun with you. As I said earlier, during his A, my H was very cranky. He would accompany the family on ski trips, trips to amusement parks, etc. But, he would wear his "gassy look" the entire time. He actually was having some fun in spite of himself, but refused to show it. I had no idea I was doing a plan A at the time, depositing into his love bank. Is there something you could get him to do on the spur of the moment?

Has your husband been depressed the entire time after his deployment? Does he have PTSD? My H had undiagnosed PTSD, a TBI and resulting memory and cognitive problems that went all the way back to his deployment in 2003. He didn't talk about any of it with me until the summer after I discovered his affair in 2008. Some of it was very disturbing, even to hear.

AM

Inviting him in a happy and upbeat way still deposits RC $LB units. Just in the same way that if a person is refraining from SF with an active wayward, they can still meet the SF EN by looking sexy, flirty touching, and outright telling their spouse what they have to look forward to during R.

It's impossible to meet a wayward's EN's fully during an active A. The important thing is to show that you're willing to meet those needs in the future, and to meet as many as they will allow you to do in the meantime.

You can even work in a little admiration into your invitations.

"Hey, sweetie, wanna go golfing with me tonight? You look amazing in those shorts..."

"You want to catch [fill in the name of a movie you both would like] later? I always have so much fun going out with you."

"Let's go to that baseball game. You can wear that pair of jeans that makes you look so hot."

Pretty much anything can be turned into a compliment.

Thanks everybody. Yes, my gut said to keep the constraints on the computer.

My husband just emailed me at work and asked me to go to the opera Saturday (one of my favorite things). Of course I said yes! It has been so long since he made any effort to do something together.

I am wondering though, wouldn't it be easier for me to make LB deposits doing something he really likes? I don't want him to resent me for partaking in my activities.

Thanks for all the suggestions so far.

Bits,

If he asked you to go, then go and have a good time. Maybe go to dinner before or after. With what you have been saying about his behavior, I think it is very positive that he took the initative to ask.

AM