All your little "deal" achieved was:

1. gave the affairees more control over YOU - they can now safely resume their affair by going further underground and you have promised you won't "hurt" the OM

2. increase her resentment against you for "controlling" her

3. turn that POS $#%##@$#@# into an object of pity

See, the best scenario for their affair is for her to continue to live with you and carry on her affair. That way she has all the benefits of marriage and doesn't ruin her rep. She doesn't alienate herself from her family and friends.

All you have done is made it much easier to perpetuate their affair fantasy because she can remain hidden in her marriage.

OK. Read, thought, prayed some more.

Thanks again NG, Pepper, Wow, ML, all who are helping.

I called and have an appointment with the attorney for Tuesday--he says we have options and will get creative. he came recommended by a guy I trust.

I have tried who I think is the GF mom, but no answer yet.

I located the OMs son on FB, but I can only message him off my wife's acct--tried my kids and a friends FB--but all pics blocked. Friends list is blocked on WW acct, but not pics???

I promised I'd take my kids camping tonight so I have to go get ready--will have to do all the messaging on Monday...and wait for the eruption again. I'd like to confirm the name and number for the GF before all heck breaks out again.

Called sleazy friend husband--he knows--he just got busted in an affair--it is a mess--he says the 2 WW may move out together.

2 of my kids said they want to message the OM so I provided his info to them.

I have calls out for 2 places to store guns and knives...except a couple.

How long did the batteries last in your gps logger? Mine was dead in like 3 days.

I have not had luck syncing and extracting her iphone yet either--keeps crashing part way through the sync and I run out of time. I am intercepting plenty by just snooping on it already though.

Make sure you keep at least ONE around for self defense. You are dealing with a crackpot OM and people get killed. It is certainly not unheard of that a wacked out waytard murders a BS.

Let's simplify this:

Your WW shared with you that she is still carrying on the affair.

You are married to each other.

In a real marriage there is zero tolerance for an affair.

Either the marriage ends or you fight for it.

Fighting means taking control of the situation.

So yes, you are controlling.

It is noble to fight for your marriage.

But some in the world don't recognize nobility because their values are misplaced or they are conflict avoiders.

So much good advice on this thread. Take heed, Reverend.

So first Kill the affair or nothing else is possible. I had a bermuda grass infestation in my yard. I had to try many different tactics to eradicate it, and I had to bring in heavy equipment to remove it. It stayed around in pockets still. I finally found the right herbacide. And even then I had to use multiple applications for it to do its job. Finally, it is under control, but I still spray regularly in areas where it appears. So it is with an affair.

Best wishes.

Thanks again for the clarification ML and J3. I have had plenty of time to think things through and re-evaluate WWs actions.

I will get to work on your suggestions full steam on Monday.

Crazy thing, WW can tell I am up to something...she is scared for OM...she is trying to be so nice now. Reckon she has already learned in 6 short weeks that being warm and nice paralyzes me from action. Now it just encourages action:).

Old thread in the notables help bring things into perspective a little better.

WW went out drinking with 2 friends that want to leave their Hs last night and came home around 2am.

I told her I lover her, want to take care of her, and will wait on her to figure out the affair thing, but that she could not live at home and go partying--that I just could not worry about her at nights and support a party lifestyle.

She said fine she'd leave. I got a suitcase and started to help her pack.

When she realized I was not giving her the car, cell phone, guest bed--just a couple of suitcases, she started to back peddle.

I was kind of hoping she'd just go.

What now??? I fear if she stays today she will just make better preps to leave later. Encourage her to go or not?

VAR is running.

Any input appreciated.

Let her know your full plans to bring charges against the OM and to file lawsuits against him. Tell her you have changed your mind and will be seeing an attorney on Tuesday to move forward with this plan. The small window of opportunity to visit the OM's parents has passed. But if there is any contact again, I would drive over there with your kids and ask them to persuade their son to leave your wife alone. Go blow this up!

By doing this you will have called her bluff. I don't think she will really leave, but you need to tell her - when she chooses to stay - that she can't go running around like an alley cat in heat while living in the home of you and your children. That is disrespectful to you all.

ITA with everything ML said.

See, she is staying using the excuse that if she leaves you will file charges against the OM. That way she gets to stay AND blame you for controlling her. I want you to REMOVE that cover for her. Tell her you don't want her to leave but you aren't going to hold her there.

ML--done. She is thinking it all over.

She says OM will not even have her now anyway and that law suit will go nowhere.

She is calling cheating friend for a place to stay.

I keep telling her that if it is so bad at home, so controlling, I will remove all that and she can try being free on her own--but that i will only pay and support one household, not two.

That won't matter, though. What matters is if there WAS an affair. And since there was, you have grounds. She and the OM will be subpoenaed into court to give sworn testimony under oath about their adultery. The court will also subpoena all of their records, such as cell phone, emails, computer hard drives, etc.

Repeat this point every time WW tries to paint you as the controlling husband.

Roger that Pepper.

She did not leave. ML has been calling it.

I sat down next to her and talked gently but firmly, and she started to break.

It's like she is in a moment of reality--crying about hurting everyone, saying I'm going to have an affair now, everybody is going to hate her, why do I want her, etc.

She asked me what I want now and I said a dead affair. Write a letter together and a list of EP stuff. I think she is partially ready to comply / break things off.

I will proceed with bringing heat to the OM. Guns are out. Monies are moved.

I suspect she'll be mad and / or trying to comm with OM by Weds.

Ideas? Insights? Next steps?

Stick to your guns and don't back down on seeing the attorney about filing charges against the OM. That is GREAT if she calls the OM and tells him on Monday. I hope she does. I hope she scares him to death.

Be kind and give her a safe place to fall. And keep telling her you don't want to control her. Whatever you do, don't back down about the OM no matter what kind of deal she tries to drive. It will backfire on you.

You are doing great!!!

Ditto

Well, didn't quite make it to Weds on the anger. She's been acting sane all day. But just went on a walk together and she started pinning me down on the lawsuit and pressure of the OM.

I told her I'd do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I told her OM had 4-5 chances to stop comms and pursuit and did not. I told her the affair was still alive and well in my opinion. She pressed and pressed. So I told her I'd move ahead with "things" to help motivate the OM and her to really break off all comms and the affair. She started yelling at me to get away from her, so I walked home the other direction.

I see this prob here: in her mind the OM is out of the picture only because of my control. He is still wonderful and entirely desirable in her eyes. So since he won't comm with her now and since he says it is over she says she will just stay with me for the sake of the kids and him not being an option because of me. She still thinks he is the cats meow and wants to try the affair--part of me thinks trying the affair and OM hanging himself in it is the only cure for her.

Thoughts or ideas?

..in her mind the OM is out of the picture only because of my control....

Well, what she sees as the situation is actually very close to the actual problem definition, which would be to add to the above sentence, "...because WW cannot exercise independent moral and ethical control." What is skewing her reality is the "affair fog" that is only dispersed with time - time AWAY from her AP, and time WITH her spouse.

KILL THE AFFAIR. This has been the constant advice since you got here (actually, it was awaiting your arrival, as it awaits EVERY BS's first note).

Once the infection is removed from your marital system, healing can progress.

NO MERCY, REVEREND!

Kill the affair and the affair fog will fade. If the OM really cared about her nothing would run him off. Just remind her of that fact.

All the more reason to follow through with everything you've got. You have to make your wife too much trouble for the OM to pursue, so that No Contact for Life is a realistic outcome.


Dr. Harley pulls no punches and tells no lies when it comes to this. While it is possible OM may possibly do something just scummy enough to change her mind, it is likely that your WW won't end up with a negative LB$ with him, that she won't burn a negative image of him.

And that can still be overcome.

You push and let OM know without a doubt that you will make his life hell in any way you possibly can because you love your wife and will protect your marriage. You build and maintain a LB$ balance with her that dwarfs what he built in affair-land. And your build a brick wall topped with electrified razor wire around your marriage - including for yourself.


You hold the cards, brother. Call this weasel's bluff.

DBD,

I've got no advice, friend. The vets have laid out a solid plan, and you have excecuted well. Stay strong, and keep fighting the good fight.

God bless