At least it is not scratching from fleas.

When posters arrive claiming to know about MB concepts but ask questions showing just the opposite ... I become

Maybe I wasn't clear in my communication, that is my fault, I did see these messages from last year and it was clear to me they never met. I did confront her and she did stop, to my knowledge there has been no communication since with the OM. She talks to one or two people she plays an online game with (I know these people from the same game). I get the comments about the talking and emotion, you guys are most likely right and I will address.

Obviously I want to save my marriage or I wouldn't be here, I think it is unfair to chastise someone you dont know, nor have any understanding about the steps I took last year when all of this went down. We are working on meeting each others needs, I certainly do not believe Im being complacent, maybe by allowing friendships over facebook I am enabling that is from a standpoint of not wanting to be a controlling or over bearing husband.

Th policy of honesty isnt something we never really did, and I think you are right on that.

NO SIR, it did not stop. You said in your first post:


It has not stopped.


We see that you have taken "steps" and none of them address the problem. You haven't even taken the first steps. She is STILL doing all the same things that led to her last affair.

If you are serious about recovering your marriage, then you will DEMAND that she end all opposite sex friendships, eliminate any social networking and stay off the computer. That is STEP ONE.

You KNOW this is destroying your marriage but you have not stopped it in all this time.

It is not "controlling" to demand that your wife stop making marriage wrecking decisions. It is ENABLING to allow this to go on. Like Dr Harley has said, "it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler."

"It's very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler"

here

Your marriage has no chance of recovery if you continue to allow her to seek constant admiration/validation from other men. For every man she flirts with, it takes a bit away from you. Women do not love more than one man at a time - we're not designed that way. We do not do the whole compartment thing.

Why do you think you have this sex issue?

Because she is not in love with you. She cannot be in love with you when she has other men in the picture. You may be good at paying the mortgage and keep the house together with the kids, but she cannot view you as a romantic partner if there are other men.

So, what will it be? If you do not demand she end any friendships with men, then we're all wasting our time here.

I will try not to "abuse" you, my friend. (But seriously, WW has abused you for years, and you seem to be resigned to THAT!)

A few weeks ago, a senior colleague here began a thread that seems to have been a precursor to your arrival. Access it here.

Do you recognize yourself as the prototype self-doubting, tremulous, feckless, and indecisive BH that was the subject of the thread?

Dude, your wife was electronically diddling herself with other men (while they undoubtedly masturbated to her participation), describing her dissatisfaction with your performance (on HOW many levels?) with them, and casually making plans to meet! At what point would you be able to say, "Wife, this WILL stop, and you WILL give me all details of what transpired, and you WILL commit to giving me access to all your electronic communication modes...or this marriage is FLAT OVER!"?

If your answer to the above question is, "I could NEVER do that!", then we have found the problem in your marriage, and it is YOU!

The beauty of MB basic concepts is that they are a 2-way street.
PORH applies to you as well.

Have you read what Dr Harley has to say about complaining in a marriage?



If you have a need to talk to your wife about her behavior that is disturbing to you , her feeling "uncomfortable" and shutting down the conversation is an invalid way for her to avoid the issue.

Your wife's duty as your "protector-in-chief" is to avoid doing things she knows will make you unhappy. In order for her to show you the proper care a wife owes her husband, she needs to listen to your complaints.

Your wife is OK with doing things that make you unhappy, and to further her disregard of you .... she wants you to shut-up about it.

You need to be brave enough to voice your complaints. If you do not, you are violating PORH yourself !!!!

Foray,

OK, lets reset,

You have an enormous amount of cheating you need to have the truth about, have your WW sit down and write out a diary of what happened and when. Write down a comprehensive list of your own questions, ask your WW to answer your questions.

Then schedule a polygraph for your WW, the polygraph operator will ask if her diary and answers to your questions are true.

BTW every man on the internet claims to be abused, unloved and unmarried. Even if your WW believes what they told her it is likely untrue.

Almost every wayward spouse minimizes what they did too, two times is more like two hundred etc.

God Bless
Gamma

This is because your WW has never given up her secret second life.

Look:

The answer here isn't how to get her to tell you what she does in her secret second life (online relationships with men). It's that she stop leading it.

How do you know these men are single? Because she told you? She's a liar.

Most OM are married or at least in relationships - most single men are not going to waste their time with some internet fling, let alone one that requires travel time, why? When he can just go out and meet any girl he wants, nothing is stopping him.

Unless you knocked on their door and and inspected the apartment for obvious bachelor chow food, then these guys are almost certainly not single.

Why in the world would it would be "overbearing" to give up her online relationships with men when she has crossed the line many times now? Most married couples I know don't allow their spouses to do this without having been affected by an affair.

This makes me think you have tried to discuss this with her and she has gaslighted you. Overbearing and controlling are words that waywards use to gaslight their BSs.

Not only will she have to stop trolling the internet for men, but like others have said, she probably won't be able to use the computer ever again without getting herself into trouble. It's very clear she doesn't have self-control in this area. She will need to be closely monitored for a long time, if not indefinitely.

Do you have a keylogger on the computer/s? Her phone if she has internet access on it? (Sorry if this was already asked)