I've only read " surviving an affair". My BS has a couple other books " LoveBusters" and " His needs, Her needs". Asked her to send me the " Kobo" link to the books last week. But She hasn't as yet. She just started a new job so I know she is busy. I'll probably just go ahead and order them at the end of the week.

What I meant was, some things, like exposure, do not seem logical at all. You dont have to fully understand them for them to right

It is just the opposite. When the reasons behind these tactics are explained, most people can see the logic in them. It is very irrational to not expose, since keeping an affair secret only serves to fuel it. One of the top reasons for not exposing is FEAR, which is an emotional reaction. Those who can't put their emotions aside and follow this program usually don't make it. The program is very logical and very counterintuitive.

I like it when someone asks for the reasons behind a suggestion because that means they are using their logic and reason. But concocting lame objections disguised as a question is not in the same category.

You need to get busy on the other books.

I'd recommend you start reading lovebusters ASAP and then read HNHN's immediately afterwards.

Over the next TWO weeks you should be able to have these read. Then it's time to do the re-read's and start incorporating the action steps outlined in each book.

Aggressive schedule, yes!
Doable, yes!
Even if you're a slow reader like me.
I did it, two weeks, while running my own business, scheduling/maintaining 20 hrs of UA time together & spending time with our kids.

Ask questions!

Much appreciated.Thanks for the encouragement. I will be pressing forward based on your suggestions.

Micalex,

Five days ago, I recommended that you read "Lovebusters". What does "pressing forward" mean? How will you ensure that you will never be physcially violent in the future?

BTW, flippancy and sarcasm from a recent wayward are not usually received well here. It causes people who have been here awhile to question your sincerity.

AM

Five days ago I asked my BS to forward me the "Kobo" link to the other books. pressing means that if the link isn't sent I'll just purchase it myself. The only way to ensure no angry outbursts or physical violence is to use the tools given and developed for me during my anger management/ emotional management courses.

Role of Husbands and Wives by Mortarman

Thanks for the link Mr. Wondering. On another note i got the links to the ebook versions of "Lovebusters" and "His needs,Her needs".

Maybe I shouldn't be posting here but it's 6 am and It's too early to call my personal counsellor and i guess I need a place to vent.

I received a call from my BS last night indicating that my youngest daughter was taken to hospital. She may have ingested something she shouldn't. Immediately i left the house and headed to the hospital. On arrival I was informed by my sister-in-law that my daughter had been in hospital since Monday night. My daughter is ok. My wife just wanted to take every precaution that she did not actually ingest anything but of course she had to be kept for observation.

However, my question (firstly to myself) became why was I told 24 hours after the fact. It's not like my BS and i did not speak during that time. In fact whenever we talk I always ask how are the kids. Her response during the time was that they were ok.

Now I understand that I am a WH and the extent of my wrongs requires me to probably be shot dead...but does that mean that I shouldn't be afforded the basic rights of a parent. When I asked my BS why she didn't say anything before she said because she felt embarrassed. Honestly, I think it may be that she felt fearful. Fearful that somehow I would have an AO. Which I did not because I've really been working hard on following my anger management plan.

But naturally I still continued to try and wrap my head around the issue. How can someone be so calm giving no indication that something is wrong? (something my wife has always been very good at). How can someone in one breath be encouraging me to follow Rules of Honesty and state that to them honesty and openness is their most important emotional need and in the other breath break that need to another?

I don't even know if or how I should say anything to her because I suspect that the first thing that would be said is that I abandoned her and by extension the children. In other words I am in no position to point any fingers. But this isn't about pointing fingers. Maybe I just don't get certain things.

Why can't she see though that in many ways it's this kind of behaviour that led me to become distant. Humans are still mostly instinctive and when confronted with a threat we either fight or flee? Most fights begin with a statement of displeasure and then however quickly descend into argument, rage and physical violence. Most "flights" start with being withdrawn and then descend into running away and in my historical case running to someone else...my OW. Who started off as a confidente in times like these.

All I can do is continue my own path to becoming a better person. Choosing neither to fight or to flee I would obey the Rules of Protection, Care, Time and Honesty and use the tools I now have to avoid any type of AO. I hope that some day my BS would see how much I love her however long it takes. Because things take time.

Maybe I should really ask her if she wants us to particpate in the Coaching Centre.

ANY advice though would be appreciated.

The child may have ingested something harmful on her watch. Embarrassment is very plausible.

You do have a right to be informed of such matters.

This would be a good opportunity to demonstrate that you can discuss a difficult issue while also keeping it safe. You explained the incident pretty calmly in your post, so keep your cool and explain your position to you W.

Keep it to three sentences! "I love you and DD. I would always want to know if there is a concern about her welfare. Please tell me when there is something important that I should know."

"Because things take time", seems like an appropriate answer.

Her actions seem appropriate to me given the full extent of what she has lived with these past few years.
You're not the primary care giver and since DD was only there for observation, there was no emergency. You did voluntarily give up your role when you left your family and as hard as it is to swallow, you're not entitled to have that role back just because you live nearby.

I'm very glad to hear you didn't have an AO. How'd you do with the other lovebusters? Any DJ's or SD's?

From one adulterer to another, you and I need to come to an agreement about this statement.

It was never, "by extension" that you abandoned your children.

You need to claim what you did if you want to help your children and your wife recover.

You abandoned your wife.

You abandoned your children.

I did the same thing! It was ugly!

Can you acknowledge this?

Thanks for the advice. I will use it. Not ready to discuss it with BS yet. I Will give it a few days. At the end of the day she did the right thing. Just sad that something like this is just another fallout of my poor actions

No DJ's or SD's. All I said to her was that there was no need to feel embarrassed. She did the right thing and that kids do stuff like this all the time.

You are right HerPapaBear. Changing my language is also something I'm working on.

I abandoned my wife.
I abandoned my children.

Good to hear!

I wanted to make sure you and I were on the same page.

Please keep us updated about your reading progress.

I will. Started reading already.

It's a short book so far I read it 15x. Good luck in your rebirth and don't hide from the truth of your actions embrace them and take steps not to repeat them.

I can certainly say that this is the first time I've ever seen the "fight or flight" response used in justification for adultery.


But, you didn't "run to OW" because of fight-or-flight. You ran to OW because you allowed yourself to have intimate conversation with a woman who was not your wife.

You had an affair because you allowed a woman who is not your wife to meet your emotional needs.

And, at any time you allow that to happen, an affair is the only possible outcome.

You had an affair because you have poor boundaries with women, and that is one of the things that Extraordinary Precautions come into place to protect against.


You see, affairs even happen in great marriages when one spouse or the other has poor boundaries with the opposite sex.




Secondly,


Flight isn't a great response as a husband. Fight is our role - but that doesn't mean arguing. It means temperance, compassion, and understanding. It means being the rock of the marriage and the rock of the family.

It doesn't mean taking Love Busters silently, but it does NOT mean returning Love Busters in kind.

Keep reading. Keep studying. It will start to make sense.