I think I am frustrated and fed up with the manipulation. Suddenly he's very into texting me. And gets upset when I dont respond. For more than 6 weeks he has ignored me and cut me off. Now that I am going along with his program and being silent and scarce this too is a problem? He thinks he will lose me now and thinks a few well timed texts acting like it matters will bring me back to waiting indefinitely for him while he keeps telling me how it can never happen. Funny... it can never happen yet he won't let me go and move on. I woke up today thinking he will keep this going forever. All he is trying to do is regain HIS control over this situation and has no other intentions... surely he will not ever be coming back. He's made his choice clear by his actions... he swears that since he never 'said" them they don't count... but they do. He lives with her. Hello. Our marriage is over, we just didn't get a divorce yet.

Time for a plan B letter. Spell it out for him and then cut off all contact. Stop being manipulated, Loki.

Bump

Youve been repeatedly advised to Plan B.

For those who don't know my story, my husband left after giving me the ILYBNILWY speech in Sept 2011. In December 2011 the OW's H called me. It had been ongoing since April or earlier. He came back for a false recovery in Jan 2012 and moved back out in April 2012. In June and again in Sept he tried to "see how it goes" but never cut contact with OW who is now divorced. We are still separated. I am in Plan B and have breeched it a few times. OW has demanded he divorce me now. "its only fair" she says lmfao. And he has considered it. He goes from loving me to being angry at me. Silence helps this incredibly. I do not want a divorce. I do not know where we stand. Last we spoke he was confused and "thinking" about it. However, he has ended nothing with OW and it looks like they are going to give it a go...

So I have been all over the place emotionally. I've cried. I've yelled. I've coereced. I have tried it all and done it all. If I had found and used these forums sooner I wonder if it would have turned out differently.

I am probably getting a divorce. Not for lack of love but because he is still seeing her and I am healing without him. When I realize on some days it's been hours since I last thought of him I feel bad. I stood for my marriage and I fought with all I had to save it so when I realize I really am forgetting him and getting over him I don't know if I should feel relieved the worst seems to have passed or worried and scared that this really means we're not getting back together. I am not ready to divorce yet. Some small voice in the back of my mind keeps reminding me he is acting like an addict. And he truly is. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. The times I had to see him went one of two ways.. he was either worried I was losing hope and faith and was trying to suck me back in or (once I was sucked back in usually) he was being cold and distant and unsure of what he wanted from his life. The roller coaster has ended. But I still miss him and wish I could have done more or been successful at saving the relationship.

I have a lot to vent about. I am so glad I have a place to do it. I don't know what I want anymore. And I don't know if that scares me. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry and other times I am stunned I am where I am ...

I also lost my job this past Monday. And have not heard a peep from him. Not that I expected he would since he's got a new life.. but maybe some part of me still hopes he would try. Or want to try. He has said sometimes he wanted to and I know now that was false to keep me in "check" so he could keep playing around... but I still hoped I guess he'd want to know how I am...

So that's where I am. I began a new thread because it's not the start of Plan B anymore. I don't know what this is. But maybe other people feel like I do. its funny how you spend all this time and put all this effort into saving it and then when you let go... you wonder if you wasted all that time on nothing or if it made a difference you can't see. Maybe not in your marriage but to you.. to him... to a future relationship... know what I mean?

It's going to be a long day lol... I am heartbroken. And for the first time in a long time I am allowing myself to feel it. Not masking it. Not trying to find a way to fix it. But to feel it so I can heal.

I think maybe I want to know things. Not from a BW perspective because I think I am turning more into the XW now and trust me I get what a BW goes through and all the gaslighting a WH does... but what's the deal with the anger? What is he so angry at ME for? Isn't it ME who should be so angry?

In hindsight, since losing my job I've spent a lot of time in "Hindsight"... lol... but looking back I see he would be most angry when I tried to save us. Is this because he didn't want to? Because he was selfish and didn't want to give her up too and felt I was being "unfair" to demand it?

Then there are the times I see he did try and then abruptly flipped right back into fog world. Why do they do this? Second thoughts? Fight with OW and now they made up?

The anger gets me the most. WTH does he have to be angry at me for? And if he wants her so badly why even bother getting angry at me. I am suspecting the anger might come from him wanting me to stay "just in case" but putting pressure on him to let me go if he isn't coming back or willing to try.

He left me. He wanted this. So what is the anger about? Anyone?

Oh sweetie! Hugs to you. The only I'm gonna give ya is this: you should have gone into Plan B when we told you to. Then you would have moved on long ago.

Now make it happen. Get your Plan B airtight. Make today your new day, your new dawn and your new life

Stop,

I am sorry you are struggling so. You have been at this for a long, long time.

Your best solution is to make an airtight Plan b and stop talking to your H. You acknowledge yourself that you feel much better when you don't talk to him.

If he wants a divorce, he will file. If you don't want a divorce, don't file and drag it out as long as possible. Let him do the work. Many waywards talk about divorce, but don't take any action to make it happen. Meanwhile, it creates another stress in the affair with the OW nagging him to divorce and him dilly-dallying along.

I am sorry to hear about your job. Are you in a field where you can find another job soon?

It would be better if this thread were combined with your other thread. Then, people can read your entire story. Click notify at the bottom of the post and the mods will combine the threads.

AM

Ooh-Ooh-Ooh- pick me pick me pick me !!!!

He's not happy and it's your fault.
It's called having an external locus of control.
LINK to "Other Topics"

Your WH is head-down in concrete that he poured - and it's starting to 'set'. But it's not his fault. He's just a victim.

I know this is off topic but what is a definition of a victim?

vic�tim
noun
1.a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.

2.a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.

3.a person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed: war victims.

4.a living creature sacrificed in religious rites.

Other things he gets angry at me for that leaves me baffled:

1) he says I never listen and I hear what I want to hear. he has said he wants to see where it goes with her because he already knows what its like with me (are you rolling your eyes?). he said he was mostly unhappy married. he then proceeded to be angry as he** at me when I "assumed" we were broken up for good. Um...

2) he says he just needs more time. what does this even mean? more time for what? to screw around? to figure it out? to keep me from living my life? more time to what? and then why be mad that 64 weeks after the first 2 weeks were requested I no longer see this as a "temporary" situation?

And look, he got what he wanted didn't he? He doesn't hear from me. He can carry on as if he's not married. Why be mad?

Oh and I heard months ago all they do is fight about me. That he has not divorced me yet is a big topic - or was anyway. So I do see he will most likely be doing this soon... he has to keep her happy after all. She is a psycho.

"2) he says he just needs more time. what does this even mean? more time for what? to screw around? to figure it out? to keep me from living my life? more time to what? and then why be mad that 64 weeks after the first 2 weeks were requested I no longer see this as a "temporary" situation? "

More time to continue to screw around while keeping you as an option. If you really went into Plan B or seriously moved on, he would panic. But this way, he has 2 women on the string and in many ways, you serve to propup his affair.

Dr Harley says to give it 2 years and if the affair has not ended by then you should just move on because it is hopeless. I would suggest you are already at that place and are wasting your time with him.

Waywards are doubleminded!

There really is not much of a mystery when it comes to waywards.


They say whatever they can to make their spouse do all the hard labor.
They almost always expect their spouse to file for the D because they don't want to look like a bad person. Really! They don't think an affair makes them look bad.
They tell so many lies that when the truth does come out, it's so distorted that you can't believe them anyway.
They get angry when you can't read their mind and do what they expect. They expect you to divorce them. They can't believe you really meant it when you said for better or for worse.

Until the affair ends completely, the fog babble, anger and ridiculously cruel comments will continue. That's why Dr. Harley created Plan B for the betrayed spouses....

You cannot rationalize with a falling down drunk. You can't calm a drug addict down when he needs his fix.
Your H is no different than a drunk or an addict.

Get away from him and get into PlanB!!

I am accepting my marriage is over. I don't want that but it is what it is. I tried. I made some mistakes, but I fought for my marriage. He was stubborn and refused to budge or practice any MB principles while he was on the fence. During the times he "tried" it was less than a quarter of an effort I see now but it was so much more than I was getting I let myself believe without demanding proof. Maybe I waited too long to enforce boundaries. Maybe he was never going to come back no matter what. But it still hurts. I keep telling myself it's making me stronger for next time. And for the divorce. I am not filing anything. If he wants one he has to do it.

There are so many questions I have of him. A whole lot of Why questions... unfortunately every one of his responses is "I don't know"...

I have an interview for a 6 months contract job this afternoon. Since losing my job I am finding myself dwelling less on fixing it and more on accepting it. I feel a real change inside. I NEED a job to live.. I do not NEED a husband to live, I just want mine back.

Oh and he's going away to figure out what he wants.

This far into the game? it's pretty clear to everyone what he wants now. HE seems to be the only one who doesn't get he DID make a choice.

This time when I gave him the Plan B letter? Back in Dec/Jan? He went right into a relationship with her. Said I wasn't patient. LMAO. Patient? I sat by while he tore my heart to shreds and I smiled and Plan A'd... While inside I was dying. But I wasn't PATIENT? Sorry but I have an issue being my husband's OW. I grew tired of waiting for MY husband to leave his OW. And he will leave her. That's what really gets me. He will open his eyes one day when no one is pressuring him to leave her anymore and see her for what she really is and leave her for it. And he will also realize she was the one who sent me the letter.. she is the one who kept us apart with lies.. she is the one who was "toxic" not me. And I will be moved on and not worried about this anymore when that day comes. THAT is what made me hang on so long I think... that I KNOW he will wake up and wonder WTF he did... but for now.. I am all about me. After today's interview I plan to come home and read some trash books or maybe watch some tv while I nap. It's been a long time since I wasn't worried about work or my marriage... today is the first day of the rest of my NEW life...