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But on second thought... Never mind. My question won't get answered here. It's really tempting to focus on the OM's girlfriend's behavior and avoid a deeper understanding of your own. TAKER vs GIVER Go read the "Buyers Renters Freeloaders" discussion. There is a link in my sig line. That might help you understand your own decision making errors. Best of luck to you.
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I have already discussed my behavior with my bf. We have talked endlessly about what I did & why. Believe me, he is as good as you are at pointing out what I did wrong... He is willing to still be in a relationship with me & I thought that mattered, as long as I do what is necessary to make sure it doesn't happen again. Which I am...
The OM's gf finds out, I didn't tell her, 10 months after my bf does & now wants my relationship with my bf ended. All I wanted to know was how to handle it since when it happened to me 7 yrs ago, I was told not to have contact with the OP or her husband. That they would have to work out their own problems & I would have to work out mine with my ex.
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I truly thought that I could find some help here. When I was on here before, I saw waywards who posted, waywards who were truly sorry & were really making the effort to make their relationships work. I didn't see them being bashed unless they made comments that made it obvious they weren't trying to do what was right.
I've spent 10 months going over my own behavior. I know exactly why I did what I did & so does my bf. We are working to make sure both our LB's are filled daily. I wasn't getting what I needed, there was a breakdown in communication that we have since fixed, now we both get what we need. Is that so wrong that I don't deserve any help at all?????
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The major difference is that unless there is a legal marriage, there is not an adultery. Cheating, yes. Hurt and pain and devastation? Certainly. But not adultery.
When there is adultery in a marriage, Dr Harley recommends that the adultery be EXPOSED to everyone.
Was this done this time?
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There is no legal marriage between me & my bf or the OM & his gf.
I did not expose the cheating to his gf. I left that up to him. I only confessed to my bf what I had done when asked about it. And no, I didn't tell him & I know that was wrong. We've worked through all of that. I have no desire to ruin her relationship, they need to work things through on their own.
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I'm just telling you what Dr Harley advises in his SAA book.
Have you read it?
It's good.
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I truly thought that I could find some help here. When I was on here before, I saw waywards who posted, waywards who were truly sorry & were really making the effort to make their relationships work. I didn't see them being bashed unless they made comments that made it obvious they weren't trying to do what was right. I'm not bashing you. Just presenting facts. When the betrayed person in a dating relationship comes to MB, he/she is usually advised NOT to marry the person who betrayed them. If the marriage is brand new (under 2 years) and the adultery starts early in the marriage, the advice is often to divorce. Long term marriages have a better chance of real recovery than do dating relationships. Just a fact. If you and your BF decide to keep going together, I strongly advise you to adopt Dr Harley's basic concepts and work them into your daily life. Especially POJA. Without POJA, your relationship will not become a Buyer/Buyer system. His Needs/ Her Needs would help.
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I did not hurt 3 people I care about, only one. And I know he's throwing me under the bus so she won't kick him out. So your BF wasn't one of those you hurt? Only OM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have those books & info. We are doing all that now. We both want this to work.
My only problem at this point is the OM's gf. He will say anything to keep a roof over his head & she contacts my bf to tell him I'm lying about all of it. So far we are talking about it but I have no contact with either the OM or his gf & have not had for almost 2 yrs.
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No. My bf is the only one I care about that I hurt. The OM has been a non-issue for me for almost 2 yrs. His gf has never really been a friend of mine, just someone I knew from school.
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lostafter24,
because her bf won't tell her the whole truth.
Then for goodness sakes write out a timeline narrative of the affair for this GF so she knows the truth, it's the least you can do for this person you harmed. Please make amends. I would be very grateful if I received such an email or letter from OM.
God Bless
Gamma
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I have done as you suggested & emailed her an apology as well as answers to her questions. I don't know if it will help but at least I've tried.
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