Found this post on the private forum by Dr Harley:


*The reasons are that the wayward will typically spin the truth and/or blame the victims.

OK. I am going to speak to my husband tonight. He is very stubborn, I really don't think he will want to interfere with OMM's marriage. As I said he doesn't give a S-it about them, her included. He knows that we've been seeing each other the past year, we nearly had sex once but stopped after some touching and making out.

At any rate. I will do what I can to convince H to get more involved. We don't have much family here. My sister and My husbands dad are the only people who live close by. I have no problem letting anyone know the deal. I just want to get my own heart and mind prepared for the withdrawal. It's going to hurt so badly. I won't be able to focus on my M until I get this over with. And I'm sick and scared.

I have no reason to blame OMM's wife for anything. I can't blame BH either. I did what I did. There are holes in my marriage, obviously, but I know we are both responsible and I am hoping that we will be able to fill them and save what we have.

Does he give a sh** about his own marriage? That is the main issue here. If he gives a sh** about you, we need him to take charge here and help you out. Does he care at all about you?


I understand you are scared. But to make this happen you are going to take certain steps. Bring the body and the mind will follow. It is like quitting smoking, only worse. You stop smoking and the cravings go away.

But we need your husband. And maybe he doesn't give a sh** about your other victim, but we need her help in keeping you away from the OM.

Remove the OM from your life and you have a chance at having a great marriage. Unless you do that, this is hopeless.

WE are not asking him to "interfere" with anything. We are asking him to help you and to help the OMW. And to keep the OM away from his marriage.

I am really unsettled at your husband's shocking complacence about his own marriage. How do you explain that?

Take antidepressants.

I think it's been asked, and I don't think I've seen an answer, but does your husband even want to save this marriage?

Friend, a few more pieces of information may help:

1) What are the ages of the key players - you, BH, POSOM ?

2) Is this the first marriage for you and BH?

3) Any chronic emotional/physical issues (alcoholism/drug dependency/diagnosed depression)?

4) Do you and BH have any active sexual life together?

5) Any outstanding family-of-origin (FOO) issues - bitter divorces, ongoing infidelity?

Your BH's complacent laissez-faire attitude toward the assault on his marriage is so far out of line with the normal BH reaction (usually rage, or crushing sadness) as to raise the possibility that he might have something going on the side. Does he have someone in his life - male OR female - that you might say, "Why didn't I think of that?"

My guess...PTSD. He's a high performer and if he allows himself to put faith and help his wife AGAIN it'll hurt all over again AND effect his job performance.

His job is more reliable and trustworthy [at meeting his needs] than his wife.


Either that .... or this is the poster 2longs wife but the ages don't match up. But in 2longs situation it went on so long he just convinced himself that as long as she stayed married to him and in the house that was good enough to call it a mature loving marital relationship and he respected his wife enough to turn a blind eye to her continued contact with OM if that is what she wanted or needed from time to time. As long as she didn't leave or throw it in his face he wasn't going to allow his life to be controlled by jealously or any childish need to have puppy/romantic love with his wife. He loves her enough to allow her the freedom to choose and since she keeps coming back to the marriage it must be real love. To me it's basically giving up and embracing the role of serf in your marriage.

There's also the added bonus that 2long and perhaps this BH's has in that "They win". By staying married...they keep possession of their ww's and the OM's never get the "prize". Part of the end game is punishing and beating OM.

Mr. W

H gets involved to save his marriage. Period. Exposure is HIS best tool to make YOU stop betraying HIM.

And listen, my WW claimed she used a condom EVERY TIME too. She ended up pregnant from POSOM and I'm still paying HIS medical bills for her miscarriage. get yourself tested for STDs and show your husband the report when it comes back. It's his health that matters too, not just yours.

Your H is inattentive to you. He has no reason to be, yet. MB will help you give him incentive to be attentive towards you and build a happy, healthy, affair free marriage.

You are in a fog. Listen to the vets here. You do not know what they know. They know how to fix these things. You do not. That is another reason that your H needs to come here. He is not in the same fog as you are and withdrawal wont affect him like it will you. He will have the clearer head.

You have come here and I am glad. You are sick and scared. Been there. You are addicted to the attention the OM gives you. He is a drug to you and you are high as a kite. Been there.

You said yourself that he is not a man you would be interested in dating "normal" circumstances. You (someone's wife) have been carrying on with this man (someone's husband) for 10 years. You know that what he is doing is the equivalent of spitting in your face, right ? For 10 years.

Please stop this right now. Go tell your husband everything. Answer his questions. Let him expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse.

It is not surprising that you(someone's wife) have a lousy marriage, when you have been affairing with this man (someone's husband) for 10 years, off and on.

I am not here to be mean to you. I am here to help you, as a former wayward wife. You can stop this madness.

Sorry I didn't answer anything since last night. I fell asleep and have been at work from 8:00am and not leaving for another hour. I will read everything and answer appropriately.

Thanks.

[tj]

Interesting clip. It does raise a challenging possibility, however!

The Harleys tell Brittany to end her affair and tell her husband about it, accepting whatever comes thereafter. They also explain they are going to send Surviving An Affair to help them.

I HOPE she would have taken their advice already, if the BH is the one who opens that package!

[/tj]

Interesting, indeed. It usually takes 10-14 days to receive the books. Hmmmm.