Thanks, AM.

The POSOM is a total loser...single, never married, no kids, scumball.

I know nothing really of the consequences for him -- if any -- and would have to actively search or snoop for information. Effectively make OM a topic again, which, 2 years on, is probably not recommended. If it truly is left to God, I do hope He has/will administer justice to such an evil person.

Unless information drops into my lap, I'll know nothing about justice being done, or consequences being applied, to the POS. I think sometimes I am just so angry becasue my W and I, while building a great marriage, are left with one big clusterxxxx to clean up....seems like sometimes the OPs get off scot-free, while we're left to clean up the damage.

That angers me, but the alternative in seeking things out is probably me just "borrowing trouble" and I should let it alone.

Help,

Yep. No need to borrow trouble. Good decision to let it alone.

I agree there is much to clean up. Certainly, many things in our life changed too. H retired early, losing something like $250,000 in income, losing even more in future pension. H was two weeks away from graduating from the Army War College with a master's degree when he was disenrolled for his misconduct. I no longer have a relationship with H's mother and most of his siblings. Our children lost respect for their father. H also lost the respect of his co-workers. I compare it to survival from cancer. You still have your life, but it takes alot out of you.

On the plus side, we are still in love with each other. Neither of us would rather be at any other place with any other person. We talk openly about our recovery and our children have a realistic view of marriage and what is needed to have a good marriage. We are better informed now. Our life is good and we have so many blessings.

If you keep following the MB principles, you will get to the "plus side" and the cluster will bother you less.

AM

Wow, AM.

Your comparison is amazing...I was having a bad day the other day and stated to my W: "some days I feel like I just am, just being."

I guess feeling like getting myself up to be "okay" is some days a stretch.

Your analogy of being "alive" hits home...still alive, but so much lost.

thank you!

It's the old question of whether "punishment" is fair when the starting point of the lifestyles is so different. Would Donald Trump being incarcerated for thirty days not be more onerous than incarcerating Joe Wino for thirty days? Ignoring wearing the darling orange jumpsuit, Don would be foregoing thirty days of gourmet food, oak-casked single-malt whiskey, and daily massages. Joe would be foregoing dumpster-diving, two-buck rot-gut, and daily beatings from the local tough-guy.

In our local youth sports association I am the guy who decides on suspensions for misbehavior (I'll bet that comes as no surprise to folks here!). In the second to last game in the Fall, two players got into a fight, for which I assessed them each two-game suspensions. They each served one game in the Fall schedule, and during the Winter, one player quit the sport. The father of the other player demanded that his son's punishment be reduced since his sanction now exceeded that of the departed player's!

So, to your case, HFD, POSOM has NOTHING of value to be further "damaged" by his actions. (But recall you DID get him removed from his job!) I would suggest, then, that rather than bemoan not being able to reduce his existence, you exult in the fact that his existence is so pitiful to start with!

NG,

You make a very valid point, as usual, backed by an appropriate anecdote.

I will admit that it angers me to keep 'score' -- so I just should stop, I know, because it seems so one-sided:

W - lost job, salary loss by 1/2, loss of friends, damaged marriage, remorse/regret/guilt for a lifetime, self-esteem shot, damaged spouse, effect on children, etc.

POS - fired from job.


It seems to me one aspect of the issue is feeling that, since BH was "replaced" by POSOM for a time being by WS during an affair, that any BS, myself included, could feel that we both "started" on equal footing in the eyes of the WS (self-confidence being one other casualty of an A).

After the pain and trauma, during recovery, a new paradigm needs to be accepted: that the very existence/character/personhood of the AP could never, would never rise to the level of BS's...and probably never will.

Thanks for listening to my vent today...your input means a great deal, my friend!

What? WHAT? I am SHOCKED !!!

NG forgot to mention The Donald's excessively beautiful wife and the duties she performs in his daily life.

Life ain't fair. If it was, I would look like Mrs Trump (the current one).

...The Donald's excessively beautiful wife...

But, then again, you never met Mrs. Wino!

Help,

The biggest blessing after all this mess is the change in my H. He was lost, morally bankrupt, a disgusting liar and miserable. After all this stuggle, he is an improved version of himself, honest, empathetic, and happy.

Many years ago, I had a patient with oral cancer. He had a hole the size of a quarter from his mouth to his cheek. He smelled of necrotic tissue and death. I never forgot the smell. A short time after D-day, I smelled that same odor on my husband's breath. I think he was close to hell then. Now, he just smells minty.

May your marriage rise from the ashes and be better than ever!

AM

AM, someday I hope we can meet up and talk odors.
LOL

Would love to as long as I don't smell that death smell on my H ever again. I am guessing it was the result of some sort of stress hormone OR satan.

AM

Yeah. Ditto.
When Mr Pep was "in the soup" he walked like he was a one-hundred-year-old-man. All stooped over and always looking at the ground. Joyless.

H had lifeless eyes - like a shark.

The physical transformation was remarkable.

AM

Isn't that incredible!

I agree. My H was totally changed. I remember the shark eyes vividly.

As for OW - I actually have no idea what consequences she suffered. I guess since I got to give her a piece of my mind I guess I got a bit of closure in that way.

Took a part time job recently and it came out one the guys who is single has been seeing a married woman in his building. About 2 weeks ago her husband found her cell and the texts and dozens of calls. And, she was pregnant with my coworker's kid. She got the abortion.

Her husband is apparently a large guy and even though I sort of like this guy, Im anxious for him to get beat up.

Out of curiosity yesterday i had to ask how things were going and he mentioned that woman came down for a round of action with my coworker that morning.

I hate this world.

Time to point out MB to this BH and that the affair is still on.

Mike,

It's funny how MB changes your perspective, you don't see the BH as a laughing stock which is a common perspective anymore.

Even old memories I have, I have a new view of. I remember when I was about 15 the BH owner of a local store just sitting on a curb absolutely dejected, his WW was the "pass around girl" at the local fire department.

Yes please give the BH a heads up and send him here.

God Bless
Gamma

I hate this world.

I can't go there. There remain too many folks doing the right thing every day to condemn the world entire.

I agree, NG. There is a lot of bad out there but there's a lot of good left too. It's like that quote from Mr. Rogers - from his mom - about "looking for the helpers" in bad situations.

I get discouraged too though - so I know what Mike means. You just can't let yourself focus on that stuff.