As a BS, one very difficult and challenging realization to come to grips with is that our old M is dead. Your WH is not the same person you married right now...he has become someone else. Your old H is buried in there somewhere but that is not who is today.

It is very common to want your WS back and to want him to just snap out of the Fog�come running back with open arms and everything is instantly skittles and rainbows. Unfortunately, that seldom happens.

Your dream is dead right now. He killed it.

Even if you do R at some point down the road, you would need to start fresh with a New Marriage. Ideally, both spouses being wiser than before. Starting with new rules and boundaries if you hope to have a successful M.

Letting go of the old dream/vision of who your spouse WAS is very difficult. Plan B will help you get time away from the drama�step back and see the entire situation for what it really is.

Post dday, tt was difficult for me to see the Forest because of the Trees.

Email this to your IM.

IM Training School

We breeched plan B about 5 weeks ago. Since then I've been in total darkness. It's getting to me now, but once I am over this hump I will be better. Not working right now is good and it's bad. Its helping me clear my head but it's also bringing up a lot of things I hadn't had any time to think about yet.

I stopped using MIL for IM. I am asking around for another one. I want it to be someone who either doesn't know or doesn't care about our situation. Someone who will be all business and not try to reunite us or further break us apart. Someone who will just call when business needs to be discussed and who will be a go between when he gives me money.

And in replaying conversations... OMG, does HE hear himself? In one of those conversations where he was furious at me (lord knows what I did since we don't speak or see each other) telling me I don't listen and I hear what I want to hear. I didn't think of it at the time but I should have said I am hearing what you're saying do YOU hear you?

Its all just sinking in now I think... but these are the things he says:

1) I still love you
2) if we were meant to be I never would have met her
3) I know what it would be like with you, now I want to see what it would be like with her
4) I never said I wasn't coming back, I think about it sometimes, but I was miserable all the time and it makes me not want to return
5) I know she's a basket case and you're wife material I don't know what's wrong with me

So MY translation of this and much more? I want to be a spoiled rotten pig. I want to see if I can have a marriage with her before I decide to end ours. I want to see how long you will wait for me and how long you will let me c*** all over you. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want a heartbroken wife causing me drama with her tears and I want to f*** the s*** out of my new soon to be wife. Then I will cheat on her since I am already an untrustworthy human being and she knows it I will be allowed to get away with it easier.

or said... we ARE in plan B... no communication.

This is the first time I've been totally alone with myself and my thoughts about this. A lot I didn't hear/see/deal with before are now coming to the surface...

I am in Plan B... we breeched but we're back in now. Have been for all of April and since the end of March.

I've been miserable in my M for a long time too. Yet... No affair. An affair is a decision, not a destiny.

2) if we were meant to be I never would have met her

Translation: I want to be a lazy as$ and not work at my M at all. in fact, if my job were meant to be, I wouldn't have to work at it either. maybe I'll quit that too. I'm entitled to a work free relationship dang-it. Dont you get that!!!! But I still love you honey. Can I have a cookie now!!!

Once upon a time ago I predicted to him that he would just let life happen until one day we just faded... that is now happening. I have bigger issues now and this is no longer a number 1 priority for me anymore.

1) find a job
2) contemplate moving before running out of money
3) getting my act back together for a new job/new home
4) piecing my life back together
5 then maybe he will be placed right about here... if nothing else comes up.

Is there any reason to commuicate with your WH at all? You don't have any children, right? It appears as though your finances are separate. Neither of you have filed for divorce. What things do you actually have to talk about?

Those things that your husband said to you are designed to hook you back in so that he has TWO women making him happy. Don't talk to him at all until he has left the OW and vowed to never see or speak with her again.

AM

Until July 31st he will be covered under my medical insurance. After that he won't be. He has to give me the money to pay for it. It's $750 a month and I can't afford that.

After July 31, we have no reason to communicate again. My resolve is to keep away from him unless she is gone and has been for some time. Not that they broke up yesterday but months ago or even last year... that is the ONLY way he will get me to trust they are over this time. I will never believe he won't contact her ever again. He does this. He gets sick of her then they kiss and make up and I am right back here. This is the LAST time he does it. So we will not be in communication ever again until we file for divorce and even then, I will go through my lawyer. He isn't giving her up. She could set his house on fire and there will be video to prove it but as long as she swears she didn't do it, he will believe her. ::eyeroll::

PS: I GOT THE CONTRACT JOB!

I will be employed at least a week to 5 months... more ducks in a row... more time to plan what to do next...

Congratualtions!!!

I need a place to just unload my head... no one wants to hear about him. They wrote him off a long time ago. They said he is showing me with his actions he will never be back. They don't want to discuss this anymore. I get it. But now things are coming to my mind... I was so stuck in my bad job situation and dealing with his shenanigans I never stopped to smell the BS.

Stop,

Great news about the job. I hope it turns into something longlasting and lucrative.

Marriage Builders is a great place to vent about wayward spouses. Everyone here understands. Your husband is a cake-eating liar, pretty much like all waywards. IF he ever changes, it MAY be worth thinking about him again. In the meantime, it is much better to celebrate your successes. We do that here. So, vent away. And tell us all your good news - like new jobs.

AM

In marriage counseling last year... he would latch on to all the "catch phrases" like cake eating and getting involved in something he can't get out of... he would twist these to suit his sitation and make it make sense for me and the counselor.. who knowingly nodded at the rapidly growing BS pile in the middle of the room the WH didn't even notice... HE believes what he's saying and if not, then at the very least he believes he has everyone else fooled.

An excellent synopsis of why marriage counselors are such a waste of time!

From your post on Atlanta's thread--

Is she posting here on MB? Is she just reading the web site & trying to apply the principles or has she read your thread?

as far as I know she just reads. I hope she posts. I would love to come across them or have her make a comment on one of mine.

I don't know if she knows I am here too or even what my name is on here. She might recognize the story if she came across it.

I overheard a friend in the drugstore discussing it. Again, I don't know if the friend was discussing it for my benefit or not. No one, not even my family knows I use this board.

Well if she is just reading here I hope she is also reading about the chances of a successful relationship that starts out as an affair!

If you ever get a clue that she is posting here or has discovered your thread, be sure to notify the moderators.

I love to sharpen my claws once in awhile. That's what active waywards are good for.

A sample of sharpened claws

I was going to ask the same as Nerlycrzy.

So do you know her posting name?