|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4 |
I found his address and phone number. Should I just drive over there after work? I am thinking in person might be more effective than a phone call. I agree in person is better. Can your parents go with you? Unfortunately my parents are not supportive of what I'm doing. They want me to move on with my life, they think my wife is a lost cause. Are your parents LDS? Most LDS parents want the marriages to work out.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
I found his address and phone number. Should I just drive over there after work? I am thinking in person might be more effective than a phone call. I agree in person is better. Can your parents go with you? Unfortunately my parents are not supportive of what I'm doing. They want me to move on with my life, they think my wife is a lost cause. Are your parents LDS? Most LDS parents want the marriages to work out. Yes, they are LDS, but they are a different kind of LDS. I think if they saw some hope they would have a different opinion. But they just think my wife is just long gone. She very well may be.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
One thing my parents told me that seems to make sense, so let me know what you guys think about this, is that if I file a lawsuit against my wife's OM, that it will make me look like an enemy in her eyes. That it will only make her sympathize with the OM even more, and bring them closer together.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4 |
Were you and your wife sealed in the temple?
Have you gone to OM's Stake President? What about Your Bishop for your WW?
One thing about the LDS church is that adultery is a major no, no. Ex-communication.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
Me and my wife are not Mormon. I believe the OM has been or is in the process of being ex-communicated.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4 |
Me and my wife are not Mormon. I believe the OM has been or is in the process of being ex-communicated. Wow and that hasn't ended the affair from his side? I think you will get positive support when you go to OM's parents. One of my WH's OW was LDS and when I exposed I never saw quicker and swifter support to break up the affair then from her LDS parents. I'm in Utah also, but not LDS.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
Me and my wife are not Mormon. I believe the OM has been or is in the process of being ex-communicated. Wow and that hasn't ended the affair from his side? I think you will get positive support when you go to OM's parents. One of my WH's OW was LDS and when I exposed I never saw quicker and swifter support to break up the affair then from her LDS parents. I'm in Utah also, but not LDS. I hope so, but the OM's wife has told me that the parents are already heavily involved, in fact the OM's dad is a bishop, and brought the OM to disciplinary council where they decided to ex-communicate him.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
his ex-communication didn't end the affair because the OM does not give 2 sh**s about the church anymore.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
OJ,
They don't give a dam for now! However once the drug of the affair wears off and they find themselves cut off from their former lives it will be a very different story.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335 |
his ex-communication didn't end the affair because the OM does not give 2 sh**s about the church anymore. When the bishop dad starts getting heat from the Stake President, things may change. Go see the Stake President.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335 |
One thing my parents told me that seems to make sense, so let me know what you guys think about this, is that if I file a lawsuit against my wife's OM, that it will make me look like an enemy in her eyes. That it will only make her sympathize with the OM even more, and bring them closer together. Wrong. Initially while in the fog she will see you as the enemy trying to take her crack pipe away. After the fog clears she will see you as a husband who loved her enough to do anything to protect her from the scumbag she is with. Your wife is in affair addiction. Compare it to crack addiction. What do crack addicts initially do when you try and save them? What do they do after the crack is gone and the withdrawal has subsided?
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
I'm getting the locks changed on our new house on monday, and hopefully moving back into the old house on tuesday. She is going to be so pissed  .
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
One thing my parents told me that seems to make sense, so let me know what you guys think about this, is that if I file a lawsuit against my wife's OM, that it will make me look like an enemy in her eyes. That it will only make her sympathize with the OM even more, and bring them closer together. Wrong. Initially while in the fog she will see you as the enemy trying to take her crack pipe away. After the fog clears she will see you as a husband who loved her enough to do anything to protect her from the scumbag she is with. Your wife is in affair addiction. Compare it to crack addiction. What do crack addicts initially do when you try and save them? What do they do after the crack is gone and the withdrawal has subsided? I hope she can someday see him for a scumbag. He has a pretty bad track record. Apparently when his wife got cancer he would solicit sex on Craig's list, and he would also pay massage therapists for sex (Since his wife couldn't have sex anymore). My wife tells me "You don't know the whole story, he's been honest with me about some of those things". I'm just not sure she will ever see him for the scumbag that he is. Apparently he is very nice, and was very loving to his last wife before she got cancer. So he obviously knows how to play a woman. Even if I succeed in ending the affair (which honestly feels like a slim chance at this point), I'm not sure how she will ever see him as a scumbag. He has obviously sweet talked her into thinking he is this awesome guy, and that he was the victim of his marriage etc..
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/03/13 06:08 PM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
One thing my parents told me that seems to make sense, so let me know what you guys think about this, is that if I file a lawsuit against my wife's OM, that it will make me look like an enemy in her eyes. That it will only make her sympathize with the OM even more, and bring them closer together. You are the enemy NOW. You are the enemy. They are close NOW. Do you understand this? We would not be having this discussion if they were not having an affair. You don't get any closer than that. And if you want that to change, then you will run off the OM by pursuing any charges against him that you can. Keep in mind that your parents have no experience saving marriages. They mean well, but they don't know how to save marriages. WE DO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335 |
One thing my parents told me that seems to make sense, so let me know what you guys think about this, is that if I file a lawsuit against my wife's OM, that it will make me look like an enemy in her eyes. That it will only make her sympathize with the OM even more, and bring them closer together. Wrong. Initially while in the fog she will see you as the enemy trying to take her crack pipe away. After the fog clears she will see you as a husband who loved her enough to do anything to protect her from the scumbag she is with. Your wife is in affair addiction. Compare it to crack addiction. What do crack addicts initially do when you try and save them? What do they do after the crack is gone and the withdrawal has subsided? I hope she can someday see him for a scumbag. He has a pretty bad track record. Apparently when his wife got cancer he would solicit sex on Craig's list, and he would also pay massage therapists for sex (Since his wife couldn't have sex anymore). My wife tells me "You don't know the whole story, he's been honest with me about some of those things". I'm just not sure she will ever see him for the scumbag that he is. Apparently he is very nice, and was very loving to his last wife before she got cancer. So he obviously knows how to play a woman. Even if I succeed in ending the affair (which honestly feels like a slim chance at this point), I'm not sure how she will ever see him as a scumbag. He has obviously sweet talked her into thinking he is this awesome guy, and that he was the victim of his marriage etc.. Inevitably they WS comes to their senses about the scumbag/scumbagget. The actual question to ask is if you will be there still when it happens. Only 5% of marriages between affair partners last more than 2 years. They almost always fail. Its built on deception and filth. It has nothing to build on. If you have the fortitude (most men don't) to last the 2 or 3 years for it to naturally fizzle out than a lot of times the WS comes back. If you are like most men though you have a limited time to recover before you are so low on love bank that you give up. Its vital that you attack hard and fast. End this affair now so you have the love left to go through the recovery process.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. if you were my son I would want you to divorce her too. But even if this doesn't work out and you don't reconcile, you should run off that POS. That is the right thing to do regardless.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153 |
There are always reasons for an A never excuses.
What would your WW say were/are the reasons she felt compelled to look outside the M? What is she getting from him that she wasn't getting from you?
Do you have SAA and Love Busters? Are you aware of the EN's questionnaire?
Were you committing LB's?
Are you familiar with Plan A?
Besides exposure and running this POS off, these are the questions you need to address. This path may lead her back to you (hopefully).
Eliminating ALL LB�s from your behavior and focusing on meeting as many of her EN�s as you possibly can might move this in the right direction. It is your job to show her that there is hope for a brighter future with you. Ending the A is only 1 part of the war front. This is the other.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153 |
Please do yourself the biggest favor you will ever do for yourself and get SAA.
It outlines a plan to address the issues you are facing now and in the future.
My FWW was deep in the fog as yours is. This program saved my M.
If you don't deal with all the conditions that lead to the A (YOUR behaviors that made her lose her love for you), nothing is going to save your M even if you are able to end the A. She clearly has horrible boundaries around other men. You can't control that today.
You CAN change you to be the best person possible. She fell in love with you once, she can again if you take the right steps.
I am telling you..if she isn't convinced you can fulfill her needs and stop love busting her..she isn't going to come back.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/03/13 06:47 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
One thing my parents told me that seems to make sense, so let me know what you guys think about this, is that if I file a lawsuit against my wife's OM, that it will make me look like an enemy in her eyes. That it will only make her sympathize with the OM even more, and bring them closer together. Did they suggest a better idea? Perhaps suggesting that you welcome OM into your home?  OJ, this man has committed a CRIME against you! Your parents are not versed in saving marriages and are trying to help you. That's understandable. We appreciate that. But they are not in the business of saving marriages. Dr. Harley IS. Thank them for their concern and let them know that you are receiving counselling based on one of the best marriage-building counselors there is.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513 |
God you guys are awesome. After this is all over I think I will have to frequent this board.
I will get SAA - can I buy it online and read it online?
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
149
guests, and
88
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
