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If I do move back, how should I interact with her? How should the tone of my voice be? Should I avoid her? Should I talk like nothing is wrong? Just be really nice, but very firm. Don't act like nothing is wrong, that would be creepy. Tell her you are not going to allow her to live there while carrying on her affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I mean I think the OM has his own place of residence. Oh, I misunderstood. Still, locating his parents and speaking with his father should be your top priority. A bishop is not going to be happy that his son is messing around with a married woman. If OM is active at all in the church, this could very well mean excommunication for him. Do you know the OM's full name? If you can find out his last name, it should be very simple to find his father. There probably won't be too many bishops in the area with the same last name as the OM (unless his last name is Smith, lol). His father and mother already both know about the affair. He has already gone through disciplinary counsel, and I believe is being ex-communicated. Since this has happened, I am not sure what good I could do by meeting with his parents, but I guess it couldn't hurt. Put the fear of God into them more. Their scumbag sons actions affect them also. If I were you I would take this to the Stake President and ask him for assistance. He will then call the dad/bishop and then things get interesting. Bishops rely on good reputation. This could destroy his position in his ward. Make sure he understands this........ hint hint
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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His father and mother already both know about the affair. He has already gone through disciplinary counsel, and I believe is being ex-communicated. Since this has happened, I am not sure what good I could do by meeting with his parents, but I guess it couldn't hurt. You don't know what they do know and they don't know what YOU know. You need to speak to them and find out what they know.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OddJob,
Should I even go as far as to sleep in her room if I move into the old house?
Not until she is tested for STDs, and has a 3 month quarantine period, followed by another STD test.
God Bless
Gamma
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Should I even go as far as to sleep in her room if I move into the old house? Yes sleep in your common main bedroom. Why wouldn't you?
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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[
I mean I think the OM has his own place of residence. WHY does he have his own residence? Are you sure? That doesn't add up. There is something you don't know.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
His father and mother already both know about the affair. He has already gone through disciplinary counsel, and I believe is being ex-communicated. Since this has happened, I am not sure what good I could do by meeting with his parents, but I guess it couldn't hurt. I am sure what good it would do. You, as the beleaguered husband, can ask them to persuade their son to leave your wife alone. You can put pressure on them to do so and make sure they know the affair is still on. You need to be causing as much havoc as possible in the affair instead of dismissing our advice. Cool, I will do it.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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I found his address and phone number. Should I just drive over there after work? I am thinking in person might be more effective than a phone call.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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OddJob,
Should I even go as far as to sleep in her room if I move into the old house?
Not until she is tested for STDs, and has a 3 month quarantine period, followed by another STD test.
God Bless
Gamma Oh she won't be joining me in the room, I can assure you. She wants nowhere near me.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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[
I mean I think the OM has his own place of residence. WHY does he have his own residence? Are you sure? That doesn't add up. There is something you don't know. I am not clear on the OM's living arrangement at the moment. I think his wife who he is divorcing moved out (to her parents maybe?), and he is living in their original residence. I am really not sure though.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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There are always reasons for an A never excuses.
What would your WW say were/are the reasons she felt compelled to look outside the M? What is she getting from him that she wasn't getting from you?
Do you have SAA and Love Busters? Are you aware of the EN's questionnaire?
Were you committing LB's?
Are you familiar with Plan A?
Besides exposure and running this POS off, these are the questions you need to address. This path may lead her back to you (hopefully).
Eliminating ALL LB�s from your behavior and focusing on meeting as many of her EN�s as you possibly can might move this in the right direction. It is your job to show her that there is hope for a brighter future with you.
I can completely relate to where you are at friend. Sorry for your pain
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/03/13 01:17 PM.
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It is soooo hard to go down this path when ALL my friends and family are saying I just look desperate and am grasping at straws, that I just need to move on with my life, that I'm acting crazy, that there is nothing I can do to change her mind, that I'm just going to irritate her and chase her further away.. ARGGG. Right now this forum is the ONLY support I have for not giving up on my marriage.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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I am not clear on the OM's living arrangement at the moment. I think his wife who he is divorcing moved out (to her parents maybe?), and he is living in their original residence. I am really not sure though. Who are you getting this information from? If it's from your WW, don't believe anything she tells you. Waywards lie about this stuff all the time. You need to confirm all of this information. It's entirely possible they aren't even getting a divorce.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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It is soooo hard to go down this path when ALL my friends and family are saying I just look desperate and am grasping at straws, that I just need to move on with my life, that I'm acting crazy, that there is nothing I can do to change her mind, that I'm just going to irritate her and chase her further away.. ARGGG. Right now this forum is the ONLY support I have for not giving up on my marriage. Most people unfamiliar with MB (including myself in a prior life) view an A as the kiss of death. Until someone goes through the experience..it is impossible to predict how someone will react. Most marriages don't end after an A. MB will give you the BEST shot at recovery. My FWW and I are in our 15th month of R. It is brutally difficult but (not withstanding working through the A), our M has never been better! There is hope. However you can only control YOU. If you can focus on that, your path will be much easier.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/03/13 01:23 PM.
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Friend, SLOW down. You are going 100mph.
Take a deep breath and slow down. R is a Marathon not a race. This will not be healed in days/weeks. R is measured in years.
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Friend, SLOW down. You are going 100mph.
Take a deep breath and slow down. R is a Marathon not a race. This will not be healed in days/weeks. R is measured in years. Ya, I feel like I'm behind schedule though, because for about 3 weeks after I learned about the affair I was taking the NC approach. Right now I feel like if I can even get to the R stage that would take an absolute miracle. She wants nothing to do with me ever again at the moment.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Once I am ready to pursue a lawsuit against the OM, should I have my lawyer contact him and threaten the lawsuit unless he ends the affair? Or should I just file it?
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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I found his address and phone number. Should I just drive over there after work? I am thinking in person might be more effective than a phone call. I agree in person is better. Can your parents go with you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Once I am ready to pursue a lawsuit against the OM, should I have my lawyer contact him and threaten the lawsuit unless he ends the affair? Or should I just file it? Just have the lawyer contact him to threaten the lawsuit regardless of whether he ends the affair or not.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I found his address and phone number. Should I just drive over there after work? I am thinking in person might be more effective than a phone call. I agree in person is better. Can your parents go with you? Unfortunately my parents are not supportive of what I'm doing. They want me to move on with my life, they think my wife is a lost cause.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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