Okay, well these lawsuits could take time... I cannot start plan B until these things are settled, ya? Also my lawyer advised me that my best chance of success with the lawsuits would be to wait until my wife serves me divorce papers, as it serves as official evidence of the alienation of my wife's affection - not that I don't have evidence, but it's what my lawyer suggested anyways.

One does not contemplate Plan B until all methods of pro-actively killing the affair have been exhausted.

Understood. For the NC letter that the book talked about, since mass exposure has now preceded the letter, should the contents of the letter be somewhat different than what the book says? Should it mention anything about the possible lawsuits, the exposure, or anything that resulted by the exposure?

No, there is no reason to change the letter.

So for those following this thread, I am going to post the "goodbye" letter my wife gave to me the day before she separated from me. I didn't post it earlier, because it's fairly long, and my original description of the situation I thought was already pretty long winded. But at this point I want to make sure you guys that are following this understand the context. When she gave me this letter, I believed it. While I may not have been meeting all of her emotional needs, I no longer believe the sincerity of this letter after learning about the affair. That same day she promised me she would remain faithful to me until we were divorced, even though she made it very clear that she was leaving for good. The next day she started having sex with the OM, before then - for the last 2 months before then - I am pretty sure the relationship was purely emotional, though I obviously can't say for sure. Keep in mind we were trying to have a baby weeks before she gave me this letter, and we JUST bought a second house. Here it is:

*First of all, I am so sorry that we have to go through all of this. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but I do know what it's like to feel like you are unwanted.

Before I say anything else, I just want to reiterate that I do care for you, it breaks my heart to see you cry, and to know that you are trying so hard. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you, but of course I knew that would be inevitable.

You keep talking about the 'seven-year itch', how you need to change to 'fix' this, and what you're going to do to try and make me happy again. Here is the bottom line - I have always had these feelings - it doesn't mean I didn't love you, or that I was never happy, you know that isn't the case - however, I need you to really understand that this is NOT new. Do you remember a couple of weeks after you came up to Alaska I told you I had considered breaking up with you? That is how far back this goes. I feel like you swooped in and rescued me from a terrible situation - you cared for me, you drove 3000 miles for me, it was hard not to love you when I married you. I had no intention of ever ending it, as I've said before, I've never acknowledged these feelings until recently. I tried to pretend that they weren't serious. I had my ups and downs, but it was always there in the back of my mind. I felt incredibly guilty for thinking the things I did. Because you are such a great guy. You are so loving, and so sweet, it makes this so much harder. You don't deserve this, and I can see from your perspective, and probably most outsiders, that there doesn't appear to be any good reason for me to leave. Again - that's why this has taken so long as it has.

I appreciate so much everything you have done or tried to do this past week, I know how much you love me. But I don't want you to change for me - I'm not going to change for you, or for anyone else. We all deserve to be loved for exactly who we are. You have done that for me, and again, I'm grateful, but you are who you are. These superficial changes don't mean anything. I fell like I've kind of just gone with the flow for my entire life, but at this point, I've decided that I need to start doing what's best for me. I deserve to be as happy as I can possibly be - I feel that there is someone out there that can make me happier. Someone that is who they are, because they have already chosen that, not for anybody else, but for themselves. Someone that has experienced life and knows what they want. I want to be very clear though - I am not leaving just to find a new husband - I want those experiences too. If I thought I was meant to be with you, I wouldn't feel this way, but I think it is so important for me to have the opportunity to get to know myself. I want to rent a [censored] little apartment, work hard, and make my own mistakes and decisions. I feel that I will regret it forever if I don't do this for myself now.

It's true that our relationship could have been better, but that doesn't mean I would not have eventually come to the same conclusion. I hope that you can see this from my point of view, as hard as it may be. Please try to understand, try to put yourself in my position.

I'm sorry that this happened now, I know that it was terrible timing. I believe we can come up with a solution that works for both of us. I hope that we can be friends, but I understand if you prefer not to.

BS - you are awesome! You can find someone that loves you like you deserve. Someone that will watch Game of Thrones with you over and over again, someone that plays all the video games you love with you. You can have fun, you can have sex, you can meet someone else - probably more than one.

I wish so bad that we could both be happy and get what we want, but that's not going to happen while we're together. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make me happy, trying to change into someone you are not, trying to figure out who I want you to be. If I don't know what I want, how can you? And meanwhile, I will wonder what could have been, I will end up bitter and resentful towards you for not letting me go. I will never be the best - happiest person I can be.

Again - I am so, so, so sorry. I can't begin to fully imagine how you must feel, and I'm going to feel terrible for the doing this to you for a long time - maybe forever.

Please try to look on the bright side - think of the possibilities, and what you could have: A wife that adores you for exactly who you are! I still love you - I still care about you, I just want you to be happy.*

That is classic wayward fogbabble. Waywards rewrite history in order to justify their affair. Despite evidence to the contrary, they claim they were never in love or that they have not been in love for years. And you might have massive evidence to the contrary.

This is a classic letter from someone who is in an affair. And I don't believe she had sexual relations AFTER she moved out. It is very rare that women leave their husbands for only an emotional affair. She was very addicted when she wrote that letter.

The letter is about as significant as the rantings of a falling down drunk. Don't let it bother you.

Thanks, you are only making me more confident in my resolve. Every time I feel like she is fitting the cliche, the more determined I get.

Can we say fogbabble??

If you read the craziest things to come out of a Wayward's piehole, you will see some common things from common dumb waywards.

OJ, when you lock up the new house to return to your former one, in addition to locks, you might want to take some other actions to make it unlikely she'll re-relocate to it.

Turn off the heat and hot water; if you can manage it, turn off the water entirely. Depending on what security measures you might have operating, you might even throw "off" some circuit breakers, and put a padlock on the distribution panel. (Empty, unplug the refrigerator.)

I'm bumping this one last time for you. The letter she wrote you and the reason your M broke down can be directly addressed in my questions above.


Not sure why you don't want to answer these questions but that is your call.


This is the path that I took to win my FWW back. This is the path that Dr Harley recommends. If you have read most of SAA, this should be clear to you now what you need to do.


Your W does not understand that anyone can fall in love with anyone if their EN's are fulfilled. She has this vision that people are meant to be together and doesn't understand the LB theory. YOU DO. Powerful stuff.


Figure out what went wrong and change your behaviors accordingly. My FWW had VALID complaints about the M pre-A. I eliminated my LB's and focused on her EN's. Guess what happened? She fell back in love with me.

It took about 6mos for my W to fall back in love with me. Again, slow down. Take your time. Take calculated steps.

Oddjob, any luck on getting ahold of the OM's parents? Hopefully you can do this today. It would be very helpful for you to speak to them and exchange information. They can be an invaluable resource.

Yes, I have been thinking about this. Over the last year or so I do not think I made her feel like she was the most important thing in my life. After 7 years of marriage I became lazy with our relationship and kind of took it for granted. She always reassured me how committed she was and that she loved me, so I became a bit lazy. Also, in the last few years she has spent more and more time hanging out with other guy friends, while I would stay home and do other things. She always seemed okay with not spending as much time with me, and that it was no big deal - again she would reassure me she loved me and everything was fine. When we DID go out, conversations had become a little stale. We would spend time looking at our phones while sitting down to eat, not talking to each other. Before she left, one of the things she told me was - "I don't even feel like we're friends. I feel like if I met you today we wouldn't even be friends".

Also physically, our sex life was never horrible, but she had mentioned lately that she wished that I would be more spontaneous, so obviously something was lacking for her.

So yes, I am aware of what I need to do to meet her EN and her PN. The issue now is, she wants NOTHING to do with me. She is with this other person now, so unless I can end the affair and *somehow* get that stubborn, prideful woman to come home (it still seems like it would take a miracle), I am not sure how I can implement these new behaviors to show her I can meet her EN.

So I found their phone number and address. I wrote a very well thought out letter to both of his parents (I am much better at saying exactly what I want to say when I can write it). At the end of the letter I told them I would love to meet and talk in person, and gave them my phone #. If I don't hear back from them by Wednesday, I am going to call them, and see if they would be willing to visit.

Here is the letter I wrote to them:

Parents of OM -
My name is BS. I am the husband of WS. Your son has chosen to pursue my wife as a sexual partner, even while knowing her marital status. I don�t know what OM has told you about the whole situation, but I wanted to write you and tell you my side of the story in the hopes that you have some influence on the choices your son has made and continues to make.
First, please know that I love WS with all of my heart. I have been with her for the last ten years of my life, and she is the whole world to me. I would take a bullet for her, I would walk through hell for her, I would do anything for her. My love for her is truly unconditional at this point, even if she doesn�t deserve it right now. When I married her, it was the happiest day of my life, because I knew I had found the person I was going to spend all eternity with. I have always considered myself a great husband. I have provided for her, have loved her, been committed to her, shared everything with her. We were genuinely happy together. I would never do anything to hurt her.

I know she has made a huge mistake by having this affair with OM. I have been talking with OM's wife, and while I�m sure I don�t know the whole story, I can�t fathom as to why OM would ever want to abandon such a sweet person. It sounds like their marriage will be coming to an end, but I am continuing to fight for my marriage in any way I know how. Sending you this letter is one way to show that I am not giving up. Should WS have a change of heart, I would be willing to spend the time and heart-ache to heal and rebuild our relationship. I know our marriage could be stronger than ever in the end if she was willing to put in the work as well. I have already forgiven her for what she has done in my heart, but forgiveness unfortunately is not always a two way street. As long as she is in this relationship with OM, she will never realize her mistake. Her judgment is clouded by infatuation. I believe OM's is as well.

It�s hard to ask favors from someone I have never met, but I please urge you to influence your son in any way that you can to end this affair. WS means the world to me, and it pains me to see her head down this path of destruction, that while temporarily it is making her feel good, in the long run I know it will cause her to be miserable.

I am a husband in pain. The most pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The pain will end one way or the other, either in someone else�s arms, or in the arms of WS, where I truly believe she belongs, and would be better off for. I truly hope for the latter, as slim as the chances may seem.

I would love to either talk on the phone or visit you in person if you would feel comfortable doing so. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please feel free to call with any questions, concerns, or information you think I should know. I would appreciate at least some verification that you received this letter.

Warmest regards,

BS

Is there a reason you can't just go there and speak to them? It would be much better if you could visit in person so they can see for themselves that you are a real, live, caring person. They can ask questions and exchange information with you.

And this is exactly why the main focus has to be busting up the affair. Unless the affair is killed, you won't have a CHANCE to meet her needs. Kill the affair FIRST while avoiding all lovebusters and making yourself an attractive alternative. She won't allow you to meet her needs while she is in an affair but you can present yourself as the best option.

BUT, as the affair begins to crumble from exposure, you will have a chance to present yourself as the best option.

Her letter was nothing more than fogbabble so you should not give it any meaning whatsoever. It is meaningless. What it sounds like to me is that you stopped spending time together and your wife allowed other people to meet her needs. It was her poor boundaries that led to the affair.

Here is the best summary of Plan A, IMO:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

The biggest love buster I committed was when I first learned about the affair. I called her some really bad names. I've since apologized multiple times. Other than that I think I've been pretty clean - unless you consider mass exposure a love buster .
I think the only thing that comes close to a love buster since then is I said this in a text:

"I wasn't sure why you didn't even want to try and work on our marriage, but it all makes sense now. You got bored with me, and wanted to try someone new".

Other than that though I've tried to be respectful. The only 'demands' I have made is that she end the affair.

Melody - my plan is to send the letter - move back into my old house next week, and when the drama of that is over - I will go visit the parents.

I am pretty sure when I move back into the old house, it is going to make her FURIOUS. Especially when I tell her OM is not allowed on the property. That if she is going to continue this affair, she has to do it elsewhere.

Should I insist that if she chooses to stay here that we sleep in the same room? Should I just settle into her room and let her move to another room if she wants?

edit: I guess what I am asking - is how can I move in without love-busting? How do I make her feel like I'm a good alternative to come back to while intruding into her current pattern?

When you move back in, don't lovebust. Dont' insist that you sleep in the same room, but do sleep in the master bedroom. Continue DEMANDING that she end her affair and let her know if the OM sets foot on your property, he will be escorted off the premises by an armed policeman and a restraining order filed. [and yes, you should do this]

As you continue to cause havoc, the affair will begin to crumble and you will have a chance to present yourself as an attractive alternative. The OM is a RAT and his true colors will start coming through.

Awesome. This is what I predict will happen when I move back in. She will probably see that my vehicle is there, and then she will probably drive off. She will come back later hoping I am gone, and probably drive off again. Eventually she will have to confront me, she will ask what I'm doing here - I'll tell her - and then she will probably immediately start gathering all of her stuff together, and most likely go move in with the OM. She will be very upset during all of this.