Great advise guys. I'm really worried about the affair not ending, at least not for a long time. It seems in my situation exposure hasn't been too effective so far. I mean it pissed her off, she thinks I 'lied' to everyone, but that's about it. The OM doesn't seem to care at all about his divorce or leaving the church from what I gather.

I'm still a little iffy on whether or not I want to pursue lawsuits against the OM or the company they work for. I'm really afraid to pull the trigger on that one.

And why is this?

Well the first is financial reasons (cost of lawyer). But the other reason is from reading SAA. It seems the safer way is to let the affair die a natural death. It's just a huge commitment to file a lawsuit against a company or somebody. I mean I'm willing to do anything to save my marriage, but I catch myself wondering if the exposure I've done already plus moving back into the old house is already enough. I mean if the OM was willing to divorce his wife for my WS, and get ex-communicated from his church, would a lawsuit really do any good? He must really really like her, as big of a douche as he is.

I can understand about the cost, but you are seriously misinterpreting SAA if you have walked away with the notion that "dying a natural death" means doing nothing about the affair. It is quite the opposite. Dr Harley recommends causing as much havoc as possible in the affair. He has come out in favor of laws against adultery and advocates using any legal means possible against an affair.

Dr Harley says that many affairs end up dying a natural death. That is NOT NOT NOT the same as advocating complacence.

The advice we are giving you here is straight from the horse's mouth. We are NOT giving you any advice that would conflict with Dr Harleys advice. If you believe anyone is doing that, please click on "notify" so the moderators can remove that person from the forum and delete their post, ME INCLUDED. It is against the TOS to post non MB material here.

Dr Harley believes it should be illegal to have an affair. And he believes that people who have affairs with the spouse of deployed soldier should be imprisoned for 3 years!

Wow. I think when I look deep into my reasoning, it's ultimately because I'm afraid of my wife's wrath - but she's leaving me anyways, so why should I care? Ya, I need to do it, if I can afford it.

The more trouble you can cause in the affair the more likely it will be killed. See, OM are cowards and punks who don't want a fight. They just want an easy lay. They are not men of character, principle or stamina, so when trouble comes, they typically RUN. And when they do that, the affair is wrecked and your WW sees the OM for what he is. THAT allows you to step in and look like the knight in shining armor. Doesn't always come down like that, but you have a much greater chance of saving your marriage if you can unleash holy hell on the OM.

I am glad you realize this. You are a smart guy. Your marriage can survive her wrath, but it can't survive an ongoing affair.

Whoa, she just sent me a big text. What do you guys think of this...

"Sorry I haven't gotten back to you, I just haven't had a chance to sit down and write this. I understand why you are trying to blame this on the 'affair', I know it must be hard to accept this situation. Let me explain again, hopefully for the last time. The truth, whether or not you choose to believe it, is that OM had nothing to do with my leaving, I've been thinking about it literally for years. The absolute truth is that if he ended it with me today, I would not go running back to you. I wasn't the best person I could be with you, and I believe there is just a better fit out there for me. I believe there is a better fit for you, as well, someone who will love you for exactly who you are. That person is not me.

Don't tell me 'now it all makes sense.' I don't want to work on our marriage, because it's not about any problems we may have had, it's just about us as people. We were not meant to be husband and wife.

I'm sorry that I hurt you, I tried to tell you I was done, but you didn't want to hear it. It really sucks how this all went down, I did not plan it, cheating on you was never my intention. But BS, nothing has changed. I am filling out the paperwork, and hope to get it to you as quickly as possible. The best thing for us now is to finish the divorce and move on.

I can't blame you for reaching out to our friends, but you should know me well enough to be confident that no one can tell me what's best for me. I have to make my own decisions, (or mistakes, in your opinion), unfortunately, sometimes despite other people's feelings.

If you truly want me to be happy, you will let me move on, and you will do the same."

HOW SHOULD I REPLY?????

I was thinking I would say something like - "who said anything about you running back to me? I just want to take you out, have some fun, and just talk. I understand how hard it would be for you to leave OM, you love him! But it is the right decision, and you need to make it".

Bad? I'm such a noob.. Never gone through anything like this before.

I was thinking I should also say - "You may have been thinking about it for years, but you never mentioned any problems. And you couldn't have been thinking about it for too long, because it wasn't that long ago you were begging me to have a baby with you. Obviously I was not meeting some of your emotional needs, and I apologize for that, but I know I can be the husband, friend, and person you need to meet those needs."

Something like that? frak I dunno..

"WW, thanks for sending your thoughts. I am very worried about your future with this man. I am sure you know his family will never accept your affair and is dead set against it. Just know I do love you and will be here for you if you need me. love," OddJob123

Scrap all the other stuff I wanted to say?

yep! Don't walk into the tarpit by arguing with fogbabble. Just reframe the issue on your terms. you want to say something to SCARE her about her future with the OM. In a loving way, of course!

So basically don't legitimize anything she is saying because it is fog talk?

okay cool

And read the first post on this link....

you will recognize something posted on it about 6 or 7 phrases down on the post.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680


par for the course.......

You got it! And there is no point in arguing with a falling down drunk. All the stuff she is saying is her fogged out, drunken perspective. And you would never argue with a falling down drunk, would you?

wow..

Okay, she replied to that text Melody. she said:

"And why would you assume that? You don't know anything about him or his family. I'm not going to tell you not to worry about me, because I know you will anyway, but again, I'm making my own decisions, and I'm going to be fine."

Should I respond? If so, how?