so she agreed and vowed to stop communicating with him. So far i believe that she has done that. but she is so mad at me for making her stop.

Am i spyin on her No Not really Im suspicious. but have know grounds to think she is still contacting him.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Iv done some investagating to discover who he is. I confronted her and told her I know who he is and where he lives the name of his children and of his exwife.

the wife does not want me to confront him either.

I dont know for sure he isn't still married but my wife said he was divorced.

You really need to expose the affair to his wife and everyone else. Your wife is enmeshed in a fantasy. If you expose the affair, you burst the fantasy. And if he is married, his wife will help you keep them apart.

Is she still talking to the OM?

I have exsposed the affair. she told me about it and then I found out who he is. I told her I can not go on with her still making contact with him, and the next day she confronted him and ended it. she said she ended it because her therapist said to not me. but she feels termendious guilt over it. as far as her still making contact with him, I dont know for sure but I dont think so.

I have confronted everyone in the family about the affair. she was not happy about that. anyway I mentioned to everyone because everyone has been so bad to her. Her oldest son Is a butthole to her completely disrespectfull and swears at her constantly. our daugetr will not show her any love what so ever in fact she goes out of her way to give it to me just for spite. Her sister has quite talking to her for the past 6 months and her parents were starting to alienate her. So i took it upon myself to confront each one of these people and explain what is happening to her and to be more Conscience of what they are all doing to her. Iv made my mistakes with her but everybody is down on her and she has no friends or family she can turn too. I think that that is the main reason we are where we are. if it were just me. I can fix me But what about everybody else raining on her parade!

Are they behaving like this because of her having an affair?

She is paying the consequences of her choices. You should not enable her, but let her deal with the consequences of her choices.

She should be the one whom apologizes to them.

no I havnt done anythng on the OM side.