I have been with my wife for 14 yrs. Not all of it has been perfect. And I sure haven't. I've made my mistakes along the way that has hurt her. We have shared many good times. Just recently (This Week), I found out she is having an affair. Mid week, she said she would be working late. She does that. She owns a law practice and puts in some major hours. Thats legitimate. I've stayed with her there until midnight a few times. Anyways, she never came home. Her excuse was she fell asleep there. I went by there at 1pm, 3pm, no car there. I confronted here and she got defensive and in denial. Then she said she stayed at a hotel. I asked for a receipt and she got mad. To this day, she won't tell me where she was. Then this friday, I went by there to take her out to dinner. She said she wasn't hungry. She said she was going for drinks with the girls and then would be home. She never came home and wouldn't respond to text or phone calls. Today is sunday. She still isn't home. She sent a text saturday stating not to worry, has to clear her head, and would be home sunday. Earlier this week, she kept telling me she loved me and wanted to work on our relationship. kiss me before she left for work, talked 4-5 times a day on the phone. Now she says she is confused. I have made some changes and promises to here to be a bettor man and treat her like my best friend and lover. Stop drinking (Attend AA meetings daily) and sober. Must admit, enjoying it. Controlling my andger, not yelling when i get mad or frustrated. Kinder and supportive. With all this going on, I have been pretty calm around her. Inside, I am a total wreck. I love her so much and want to save my marriage. She means the world to me. Beautiful. I read a few books. Most have the same approach. I realize I will have to confront people. I can find out who this is. Should I confront him and tell him to back off or end up 6 feet under? If he is married then confront his wife. Not sure if he is. This happened another time before we were married, but I told her to get out and do whatever she wanted. I regreted it. She came back. This time is rough. 4 out of 7 days this week being gone. She is definatly in a fantasy. I confronted about an affair, she denied it. When I ask where she was, she denied telling me. If sh comes home tonight, I am going to play it calmly and not jump on her or mention the affair. I will find proof soon. She is glued to her phone. Hard one there. Am I crazy for wanting to salvage this mess? I don't want to lose her.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

First off, it is very important that you calm down so you can follow a plan. We can help you if you have the ability to follow a strategy. This will give you the advantage in saving your marriage because your wife has no strategy.

The first you must do is STOP accusing her of having an affair and stop asking her. Instead HIRE a PI to tail her and get the goods. Find out who he is, his marital status, occupation, address and his background.

It shouldn't take more than a couple of days to get all this.

Once you get this, come back here and tell us what you find. We can help you with next steps.

Can you do this?

ARe you an alcoholic? If so, how long sober? Do you have an anger problem?

Yes, I can do that. I acyually bought a GPS tracker tonight to place in her vehicle.

Im an alcoholic in recovery. Sober for a week. I don't even feel the urge anymore. You would think with all this going on, I would reach for the bottle. I will stay sober. I get angry sometimes when we have heated conversations. Mostly from the drinking.

That is perfect! Can you hire a PI to tail her and get all the information you need?

Look into it tomorrow.

oh boy. Do you have a sponsor in AA?


hehee, only an alcoholic would think like that because drinking would make the problem worse, not better. How long has she been trying to get you to quit?

She has been trying for a few years. I was just making a point that I don't want to drink anymore. That's positive.

Ranger, do you know who the OM is? Is he married? Do they work together?

That's great. Just do what you have to do to find out who he is and get the evidence. The sooner you can do this, the faster we can help you develop a plan to bust up the affair.

But it is real important that you behave like James Bond and be strategic instead of reactionary. Your emotions can kill your chances here. So even when you get the evidence, you are going to have to keep it to yourself until we discuss a strategy to blow up the affair.

Alcoholics are notorious hotheads and you can't afford that in this situation. You have to control your temper and keep your cards close to your vest. I say this as a fellow recovering alcoholic. [28 years]

In the meantime, please go read through the first thread in this forum. The information in that thread will help you understand what you are dealing with and some of our tactics.

I don't. I'm pretty sure it is work related somehow and they have known each other for awhile. This isn't like her. We just got back from a week in St Martin 2 months ago. That's why I got a GPS to verify where she goes if the car isn't at the office when she is supposed to work and if she takes off again overnight. I'll just make a little drive in the wee hours and get the address. I can look up the owner. I have access to real estate software at home since she ia an attorney.

That's 10 yrs of military. I will be calm and cool. I will do what it takes to save this..... I appreciate the support

How long married?

Have either of you been married before?

Have either of you had an affair?

Any children?

Been togethor since 1999 and married in 2004. First marriage for both of us. No children, just 2 dogs

Me-44
Her 48

Here you go.
Private Investigators

I kinda had a flirt or email/text with an old friend before i met my wife. This was 3 yrs ago. When she found out, I stopped instantly. Dumb. Attention I guess. I never would have been physical or even seen her in person. She is still mad over it. I don't blame her. I am sorry for it.

Thanks for the info

Thanks for your answers. Another thing you might do is download Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, on kindle and read it. [if you don't have a kindle, you can download kindle for windows for free] It explains how affairs happen and the way to recover your marriage.